photo fri–er–sunday.

following the official theme this week: changing the world.

meet charley.

as you can tell from the header, we have four dogs. charley was my first dog as a grownup. i’d owned a cat and a horse, but due to the constant shift in living and economic situations, i had to give them both away. the cat went to a friend. the horse lives with my sister.

i met charley in 2004. h. and i had been dating long distance for a year. i was in nashville, she in texas. i was still in the thick of being a more public lesbian who happened to work in the christian music industry. (cue eventual meltdown.) i was renting a room from friends who did not want pets. and yet i spent every day looking at the rescue dogs on petfinder. you know: hypothetical dogs for when h. and i lived a life together.

i happened upon charley’s picture one day and fell in love. i arranged to meet her, knowing full well i did not have the money or home with which to adopt her. she was nearly two years old. she’d been dumped by the parents of her former owners. her first years were spent tied to a pole, bullied by local kids with sticks, and birthing two litters of pups.

by the time i met her, she was wary of everyone. very snarly and fearful/aggressive. i don’t know why, but she fell for me immediately, and climbed into my lap. her foster mom was shocked at charley’s affection for me, and said she would approve the adoption right away. i fessed up. i couldn’t adopt her yet. i simply had to meet her.

charley’s foster mom did the unthinkable: she promised to foster charley until i could adopt her. in the meantime, i had unlimited visitation rights. she gave me a key to her house, so that i could come get charley anytime, day or night. four months later, i moved in with another friend for my last few months in nashville, and he was totally fine with charley living in his apartment.

i won’t go into the story of my meltdown, the hospitalization, the horrible season that it was. i will say that charley spooned me every night when my beloved h. was 857 miles away. she never left my side. she slowly learned how to be a stable dog, as i slowly learned how to be a stable human.

…and we packed up my car on december 18, 2004, and traveled together to austin. to h. to home.

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sparky.

h. is more convinced, with every passing day of nausea, that i am pregnant.

whenever i get pregnant, our nickname for the bean will be sparky. sparky the sparkplug.
this morning, she drew me this:

he is wearing a sombrero and fancy belt. and as a disclaimer, h. says: “i know he looks like a dressed up tampon, but i was drawing w/ your finger pad on your lappy, so it isn’t the best rendition of the sparkster.”

i love my lady.

edit: ah, she’s made a new one. note the cloth diaper:

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psychosomatical?

nausea? check.
…for the past 3 days, i feel piqued, like my finger is placed just next to my gag reflex. i had a random craving for fried chicken yesterday, and had to throw it away after one bite. wtf?
the nausea comes and goes in waves. i feel it as i type.

fatigue? check.
i have slept until noon every day this week. i could sleep later; it’s just that i work at 1.
i feel like sleeping to stave off the nausea.

i’m tripping myself out here. without the assurance of the opk surge, i don’t even know if i could be pregnant. if i am pregnant, i’m no more than one week along. is it too early to experience these symptoms???

and still, ewcm persists. and so i’m still peeing on sticks, wondering if the surge simply hasn’t happened yet. we’re going to insem again for my sanity.

thankfully, in response to another donation, the coach responded: “you got it. mi esperma es su esperma.” how bilingually kind of him.

any thoughts on my state of being?? or the kind of cm one experiences in the first week of pregnancy? would it be of the stretchy variety?

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not sure.

my chart is beyond bizarre this month, and i really don’t know how to interpret it. thank you to alayna for her reassurance that trusting your own body is sometimes more accurate than trusting an opk. we insemmed a total of 3 times so far, and are now waiting and seeing. i know that it is too early for symptoms, and that i am getting over a sickness. despite logic, i can’t help but be hopeful about feeling nauseous yesterday, as well as utterly fatigued today. (i stayed in bed until FOUR today.) i had a little pink spotting yesterday, and have no idea how–or if–to interpret that.

yesterday was my first appointment with my new ob/gyn, dr. c. i made the appt with her based on nothing but availability. and i actually lucked out. she is knowledgable and funny and 100% comfortable with the circumstances of my quest for conception. she speaks in terms of when and not if, and was very friendly with h. she was happy to have h in the room as she performed all the fun tests. it was very difficult not to giggle as she performed my breast exam with h looking on. it was hot, let me tell you.

dr. c said that she definitely saw cm while doing my exam, but that it didn’t look like the fertile kind. “maybe ovulation has happened recently,” she said. or maybe it hasn’t happened yet. she recommended continuous opk tests for the next week or so, just to be sure.

the good news is that my blood pressure is the lowest it’s ever been–105/something low that i can’t remember–and pee test was fine. i’m borderline anemic, unfortunately, so even more iron for me. h is making me steak tonight. actually, she’s making it for the baby, she says. fine with me. as long as i get to eat it.

i really don’t know how to feel right now. i hate not knowing if i really, truly ovulated. i hate that the coach’s swimteam may have had nothing to do up there. but i have to be hopeful, right? i trusted my body, and maybe that’s enough.

we shall see soon enough.

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timing is everything.

i thought i had my cycle figured out.
ha.

this sluggish sickness is taking its toll on my chart. and i am utterly confused.
we insemmed again last night, even though i had a very faint line on the opk. it’s been light for the past two days, after a dark-but-still-lighter-than-baseline reading on friday. my rationale is that i had peaked before i did the test, since my cervix is wide open and ready for business. it’s h’s job to check cervical position–which i enjoy, btw :)–and yesterday she said “wow” as she poked around. she’d never felt me so open. so. then there is the spotting and ewcm on saturday. yesterday it was watery. and the ovulation crampiness yesterday as well.

does that not sound like i’m ovulating? my body tells me i am. ff is hesitant to agree.
so frustrating. the good news is that the coach is totally laid back about the whole thing, and if we end up needing him next week, he’s fine with that. he says he has found the meaning of his life: masturbating for the good of others.

last night, after the deed was done, i lay propped up on the floor, fighting off dogs who just wanted to lick my face. h and the coach relaxed on the couch, and we all watched the most edifying tv ever: celebreality on vh1. how i love it. as we giggled at the antics of dustin diamond on celebrity fit club, the coach asked, “so how are my boys doing up there?”

he is the most bestest man ever.

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first time.

i have sperm inside me for the first time.

right now.

i’m propped. right now.

h and the coach are sharing a cigarette in mutual celebration.

this is probably early. opk’s are still a little light. but, i have: ewcm. spotting. constipation. open, soft cervix.
so.  the coach donated early.  after i’m done laying here, we’ll play some canasta and call it a night.

whoa.

we did it.  with a little help from preseed and pornotube.
we are officially ttc.

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another tactful email to the coach.

hey coach,

i realllllly don’t want to get in the way of your “personal time”, but i think i may be ovulating a little sooner than i thought. would you mind abstaining today and tomorrow? monday may be the day…

if anything changes, i’ll let you know it’s safe to resume.

oh, and can i buy you a beer tonight? 🙂

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photo friday: tattoo.

here is a self portrait of my three tattoos:

i got the left blue star done first in november 2003. i was profoundly depressed and wrestling with the all-too-familiar issue of being a christian (in the bible belt) and being a lesbian. i needed evidence of a god who would never leave nor forsake. what is more constant and permanent than stars? i called that star “hope”. several months later, h. held my hand as i had the 2nd blue star tattooed into my right shoulder. that one is “joy”.

for my 27th birthday in 2005, i had the big bird done. she is love bird. heart-holder surrounded by stars. she hurt like a bitch. but i am proud of her beauty. an amazing man named carlos created her for me. i will go to him for my next tattoo, whatever it may be…

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she had me at wet and naked.

midwife without a nickname thus far has impressed me quite a bit…so much so that i would really love to work with her.
and so i immediately emailed her my concerns, because i’d hate to be officially rejected because she hates the gays or something.

my email:
I know we are in Austin, but I am still nervous about any potential awkwardness with my pregnancy situation. I am a lesbian with a  partner, and I am using a known donor. If we work together, would this make you uncomfortable at all?

her reply:
I can’t think of any of  the other lesbian couples I have worked with  feeling anything but joy and a deep friendship, so no . I would be honored to have a slumber party at your house with the guest of honor arriving wet and naked. Give me a call…    Soon, Midwife w/o a nickname.

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insurance answer, sort of.

being the research monster i’ve become, i emailed every midwife in town about the insurance issue, and here are the responses i got:

“You should be able to apply for a gap exception
because there are no in network midwives or birth
centers. I have a client who just did this.
But if you decide to choose the self pay option we
would set up monthly payments for you.”

“I do give an early payment discount and I will consider trade/barter. Also,
a payment plan that works for both of us can be arranged. We have been suprised often by insurance
companies that will pay when they see my license information. Billing is always worth a try.”

“We have had luck getting waivers with some insurance company EPO plans.
Since there are no certified nurse-midwives available in network in Austin,
you can request a waiver. We have not tried it with United but it is worth a
shot…The need for labs and ultrasounds vary and are not included in the general fee.We would have both
labs and ultrasounds done at “in-network” locations for you and rarely cost
you anything.”

“United does pay me , or has in the past depending on your contract. I will be happy to fill out the necessary paperwork to be in network with them .So don’t give up completely on the insurance …….I can call and find out when the time comes .”

so there you have it. for now, i’m going to work with the ob/gyn i found for the preconception testing, since i am covered.

yesterday, h. and i both saw our GP for treatment of our sinus infections/mystery virus. we like to call her dr. glamorshots, since her business cards feature just that: bouffant do, sultry smile, and stethoscope around her neck, just so we know what she does. anyway, i told dr glamorshots that we were going to begin trying soon. she grinned, and immediately spread the word to her nurses, who we adore. we all had a nice giggle about it, and h. said she felt like she should be passing around cigars.

i also told dr glamorshots that i have all but quit smoking. as a former 2packer, she has hounded me for two years about my need to quit. she shook my hand in congratulations.

when my pulse was taken, by the way, it was 70bpm, down from the typical 80-85 it has been for the past 10 years. coincidence? hmmm.

in other news, h and i are really enjoying the codeine cough medicine. a lot. it goes especially well with a nice red wine. particularly when watching the lesbian drama reality show, workout, on bravo. nothing like living it up before becoming a teetotaler. we sat stoned on meds and vino all evening, gazing stupidly into each other’s eyes, confessing our loveloveLOVE for each other, and just how excited and scared we are to start our family.

i love my unwedded wife.
we are making plans to have a legal ceremony, sooner than later…

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