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Archive for April, 2007

photo fri–er–sunday.

following the official theme this week: changing the world.

meet charley.
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as you can tell from the header, we have four dogs. charley was my first dog as a grownup. i’d owned a cat and a horse, but due to the constant shift in living and economic situations, i had to give them both away. the cat went to a friend. the horse lives with my sister.

i met charley in 2004. h. and i had been dating long distance for a year. i was in nashville, she in texas. i was still in the thick of being a more public lesbian who happened to work in the christian music industry. (cue eventual meltdown.) i was renting a room from friends who did not want pets. and yet i spent every day looking at the rescue dogs on petfinder. you know: hypothetical dogs for when h. and i lived a life together.

i happened upon charley’s picture one day and fell in love. i arranged to meet her, knowing full well i did not have the money or home with which to adopt her. she was nearly two years old. she’d been dumped by the parents of her former owners. her first years were spent tied to a pole, bullied by local kids with sticks, and birthing two litters of pups.

by the time i met her, she was wary of everyone. very snarly and fearful/aggressive. i don’t know why, but she fell for me immediately, and climbed into my lap. her foster mom was shocked at charley’s affection for me, and said she would approve the adoption right away. i fessed up. i couldn’t adopt her yet. i simply had to meet her.

charley’s foster mom did the unthinkable: she promised to foster charley until i could adopt her. in the meantime, i had unlimited visitation rights. she gave me a key to her house, so that i could come get charley anytime, day or night. four months later, i moved in with another friend for my last few months in nashville, and he was totally fine with charley living in his apartment.

i won’t go into the story of my meltdown, the hospitalization, the horrible season that it was. i will say that charley spooned me every night when my beloved h. was 857 miles away. she never left my side. she slowly learned how to be a stable dog, as i slowly learned how to be a stable human.

…and we packed up my car on december 18, 2004, and traveled together to austin. to h. to home.

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sparky.

h. is more convinced, with every passing day of nausea, that i am pregnant.

whenever i get pregnant, our nickname for the bean will be sparky. sparky the sparkplug.
this morning, she drew me this:

sparky.jpg

he is wearing a sombrero and fancy belt. and as a disclaimer, h. says: “i know he looks like a dressed up tampon, but i was drawing w/ your finger pad on your lappy, so it isn’t the best rendition of the sparkster.”

i love my lady.

edit: ah, she’s made a new one. note the cloth diaper:

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psychosomatical?

nausea? check.
…for the past 3 days, i feel piqued, like my finger is placed just next to my gag reflex. i had a random craving for fried chicken yesterday, and had to throw it away after one bite. wtf?
the nausea comes and goes in waves. i feel it as i type.

fatigue? check.
i have slept until noon every day this week. i could sleep later; it’s just that i work at 1.
i feel like sleeping to stave off the nausea.

i’m tripping myself out here. without the assurance of the opk surge, i don’t even know if i could be pregnant. if i am pregnant, i’m no more than one week along. is it too early to experience these symptoms???

and still, ewcm persists. and so i’m still peeing on sticks, wondering if the surge simply hasn’t happened yet. we’re going to insem again for my sanity.

thankfully, in response to another donation, the coach responded: “you got it. mi esperma es su esperma.” how bilingually kind of him.

any thoughts on my state of being?? or the kind of cm one experiences in the first week of pregnancy? would it be of the stretchy variety?

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not sure.

my chart is beyond bizarre this month, and i really don’t know how to interpret it. thank you to alayna for her reassurance that trusting your own body is sometimes more accurate than trusting an opk. we insemmed a total of 3 times so far, and are now waiting and seeing. i know that it is too early for symptoms, and that i am getting over a sickness. despite logic, i can’t help but be hopeful about feeling nauseous yesterday, as well as utterly fatigued today. (i stayed in bed until FOUR today.) i had a little pink spotting yesterday, and have no idea how–or if–to interpret that.

yesterday was my first appointment with my new ob/gyn, dr. c. i made the appt with her based on nothing but availability. and i actually lucked out. she is knowledgable and funny and 100% comfortable with the circumstances of my quest for conception. she speaks in terms of when and not if, and was very friendly with h. she was happy to have h in the room as she performed all the fun tests. it was very difficult not to giggle as she performed my breast exam with h looking on. it was hot, let me tell you.

dr. c said that she definitely saw cm while doing my exam, but that it didn’t look like the fertile kind. “maybe ovulation has happened recently,” she said. or maybe it hasn’t happened yet. she recommended continuous opk tests for the next week or so, just to be sure.

the good news is that my blood pressure is the lowest it’s ever been–105/something low that i can’t remember–and pee test was fine. i’m borderline anemic, unfortunately, so even more iron for me. h is making me steak tonight. actually, she’s making it for the baby, she says. fine with me. as long as i get to eat it.

i really don’t know how to feel right now. i hate not knowing if i really, truly ovulated. i hate that the coach’s swimteam may have had nothing to do up there. but i have to be hopeful, right? i trusted my body, and maybe that’s enough.

we shall see soon enough.

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timing is everything.

i thought i had my cycle figured out.
ha.

this sluggish sickness is taking its toll on my chart. and i am utterly confused.
we insemmed again last night, even though i had a very faint line on the opk. it’s been light for the past two days, after a dark-but-still-lighter-than-baseline reading on friday. my rationale is that i had peaked before i did the test, since my cervix is wide open and ready for business. it’s h’s job to check cervical position–which i enjoy, btw :)–and yesterday she said “wow” as she poked around. she’d never felt me so open. so. then there is the spotting and ewcm on saturday. yesterday it was watery. and the ovulation crampiness yesterday as well.

does that not sound like i’m ovulating? my body tells me i am. ff is hesitant to agree.
so frustrating. the good news is that the coach is totally laid back about the whole thing, and if we end up needing him next week, he’s fine with that. he says he has found the meaning of his life: masturbating for the good of others.

last night, after the deed was done, i lay propped up on the floor, fighting off dogs who just wanted to lick my face. h and the coach relaxed on the couch, and we all watched the most edifying tv ever: celebreality on vh1. how i love it. as we giggled at the antics of dustin diamond on celebrity fit club, the coach asked, “so how are my boys doing up there?”

he is the most bestest man ever.

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first time.

i have sperm inside me for the first time.

right now.

i’m propped. right now.

h and the coach are sharing a cigarette in mutual celebration.

this is probably early. opk’s are still a little light. but, i have: ewcm. spotting. constipation. open, soft cervix.
so.  the coach donated early.  after i’m done laying here, we’ll play some canasta and call it a night.

whoa.

we did it.  with a little help from preseed and pornotube.
we are officially ttc.

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hey coach,

i realllllly don’t want to get in the way of your “personal time”, but i think i may be ovulating a little sooner than i thought. would you mind abstaining today and tomorrow? monday may be the day…

if anything changes, i’ll let you know it’s safe to resume.

oh, and can i buy you a beer tonight? 🙂

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