snow day.

on tuesday, it snowed a bit in austin. i may have been on bedrest, but i sure as hell wasn’t going to miss jude’s first moments experiencing february flakes for herself. so i hobbled outside, took some pictures, and hobbled back inside.
first time touching snow:

mama shows j how to taste the flakes:

my snowbaby:

snowhat:

[someday, jude will experience the “real” snow of my childhood. and she will learn to sled like a pro. someday.]

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short story.

today was midwife appt day, and a biggie at that. today was ziggy: first contact day, ie first time hearing z’s heartbeat.

at 10.5 weeks, my uterus is measuring 11 cm. stellar blood pressure. pulse was normal. i’ve lost 5 lbs in the past month.

anyway, as i was saying, today was all about the heartbeat. uncle g even came along, and ended up being jude-wrangler. so. i gingerly lay on my back with the least pressure on my tailbone as possible. midwife michele listened with the doppler. nothing. more goop. nothing. a different doppler. still nothing. a third doppler. nothing. nothing but my own heartbeat and static that michele calls “the ocean”. everything’s fine, she said. maybe you’re not as far along as you think, she said. maybe you ovulated later. she was doing her best calm voice, the same one i remember her using right before she tore my perineum to get jude out.

she ran through other scenarios as she continued to press the doppler all over my belly and pubic area. my uterus hasn’t likely fallen forward yet. maybe the fall made it tip back a bit more. she could hear the placenta. perhaps ziggy was hiding behind. maybe we should order an hcg test. or maybe we could have an earlier ultrasound. are you worried? i asked, trying not to sound worried myself in front of jude, who was asking for “more” every time the doppler stopped making noise. i’m not worried, she said. then she told me to get on my hands and knees for a bit, to push my uterus, and ziggy, forward.

michele put the doppler underneath me and tried again, as i remained in that position, propped up on pillows, to no avail. she then asked me to roll over on my back quickly, so she could give it one last shot, with ziggy most likely out front. and then there it was. not the charging locomotive of jude’s heartbeat, but a quiet, shy, rapid swishswishswish of a beat. 156 bpm. ziggy. alive. we all cried. jude asked for more. more baby. more baby.

relief.

also of note: new midwife meg asked if i’d felt any movement yet. i’m not even 11 weeks, so i was hesitant to say i had. but i have felt bubbles, much like i remember with jude, light and airy and rhythmic. she smiled and said i really am likely feeling ziggy. and when she pushed down hard on the top of my uterus to get a measurement, she felt the jump of a wee fetus herself. so not only is ziggy alive, with a strong heartbeat, z is also quite the mover.

in other news, i found the bruise from my fall. it took awhile to discover, as it is located in a place i don’t usually think to observe. and here comes tmi: when h saw it, she said, “you have a black asshole!” and tomorrow, it will likely be green. my tailbone? i’m pretty confident it’s broken indeed.

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update

• so so sore.
• no spotting.
• still in bed.

that is all.

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best laid plans

i fell down the stairs this morning, holding jude. i tripped over a stubborn cat, lost my legs, and landed hard smack on my tailbone. i screamed from the immediate crack of sharpsharp pain. i did not lose my grip on jude. she didn’t even cry, though my screams scared her. she’s spent the rest of the morning giving me reassuring bear hugs, while saying “awwww”.

i think i’m okay. i may have out-dooced dooce with a possible broken tailbone. i immediately called my midwife. she recommended i skip the doctor at this point; even if it is broken, there’s not much that can be done other than give it time to heal. i really don’t want an xray while pregnant. i’m worried enough about ziggy as it is.

michele reassured me that this fall was likely not even felt by ziggy, and the impact wasn’t enough to cause harm. yes, i am cramping. it’s pretty mild, but definitely present. she told me not to be afraid if i spot a bit from this. and to treat myself as if i’m newly postpartum for the next 3 days. i.e. i need to stay down and let my uterus quiet itself.

so that is what i’m doing right now: lying on my side in bed, icepack on my ass, and trying to shake the shakiness of dissipating shock. my whole body hurts. and i’m holding out all the hope i have that my midwife is right, that ziggy is okay. i already have an appt on weds to hear ziggy’s heartbeat. she’s willing to see me sooner if the worry consumes me. i’m so grateful for her availability and care.

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am fine.

so. this morning, in austin, and on my drive to work, there was a plane crash. it’s a terrible story.

at the time of the crash, while driving north on 183, i was paying attention to a plume of smoke to my right, which turned out to be the pilot’s house on fire. a moment later, my eyes began to burn and water and i could not keep them open. my music was playing loud. i heard nothing. but i was 1/4 mile from the crash site. eyes still watery, i found out what had happened about 10 minutes later.

i’m telling all this for friends and family who wonder if i’m ok, if i saw anything, if i work near the site.

i’m slackjawed, in shock, and sad, but i am fine, as is everyone else i know.

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9w1d

good lord, my belly is expanding at an alarming rate. here is proof:

here i am, 9 weeks pregnant with jude. same outfit. same weight:

eesh. i’m not sure how i feel about showing so much so soon. last time, i loved having a big, hard, round belly. however, right now, i’m just a jelly-bellied girl, who feels like she’s been drinking too many beers. on the other hand, i’m grateful to have such reassurance that ziggy is in there, healthy and growing. so, basically, i’m going to stop whining, and take a nap.

happy sunday!

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on potties.

so, we’ve had a potty waiting in the wings for awhile. jude enjoys its presence, and finds it especially useful for the hiding of toys under the lid. as for proper pottying activities, she is not interested. at all.

that’s fine. she’s only 19 months old.

imagine my surprise when jude picked out this book at the library. and imagine my further surprise when she began demanding that the book be read to her many times in a row, several times a day.

the other night, we were snuggling in the night-night chair, reading the potty book. a (particularly poetic) passage from the book went like this:

but what do you do with a potty? does a potty go on your head?
jude: no.
can you wear potties on your feet?
jude: no.
(a page later…) can you go peepee?
jude: yeah.
can you poop?
jude: *grunt*
me: jude, did you just poop?
jude: yeah.
me: can i check your diaper to make sure?
jude: yeah. *plops down from my lap and assumes the slightly bent over position of diaper-check resignation
me: yep, you definitely pooped. can we change your diaper?
jude: yeah. *immediately lays down on her diaper mat, without any further prompting.

since that amazing night, jude has been a lot more aware of her body’s evacuation process. she’s sat on the potty more than once (while perusing her potty book), and lets us know when her diaper is no longer dry. she grabs her crotch and grunts a bit. and then she (usually) consents to a diaper change.

she is wearing pullups at night now (because they were cheaper than overnight diapers), and we call them her big girl princess panties. [sidenote: princesses? seriously? lame. i can’t believe i let her wear them.] she loves wearing them. thanks to h’s diligence, jude is usually in cloth all day, and not the fancy kind either. i’m talking prefolds and a cover. so, she is very aware of what’s going on in her pants. from a mom perspective, it’s a wonder to behold my little girl putting together the pieces that will ultimately lead to her bathroom independence.

and so we begin. jude has commenced her formal studies in potty training. i’m so proud.

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for your wednesday

listen to this.

all i gots is wow. and teary-eyed wonderful. peter gabriel is magic. that is all.

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ugh and such.

wow, it’s been awhile. how are you all?

me? it’s been more of the same. as it turns out, i had a sinus infection for awhile, and the pressure in my head, behind my ears especially, made my nausea hella worse. after a week on antibiotics, i am, on the morning sickness scale (which, you may remember goes from one to pregnant-with-jude), about a solid 7. i’ve only missed one day of work, and i am able to push past the funk and be a productive chicken every day.

thanks be to God.

i really must take a belly shot soon. because my bump is pushing forward with much enthusiasm. my clothes fit funkily, and i’m wearing even baggier hoodies and comfy pants than usual. i am frumplestiltskin. also, have i mentioned that i haven’t had a haircut since AUGUST? unacceptable. time for some sassy maternity wear (target, don’t fail me now) and an effing haircut already. i feel like a modest, but nice house that has gone to shit. my theory is that i’ll feel less nauseated with a proverbial fresh coat.

let’s see, what else is happening in my little world of pregnancy and toddlerhood?

two weeks from tomorrow, we’ll get to hear ziggy’s heartbeat for the first time. also, i scheduled a 12 week ultrasound on 8 march. i’m still not convinced there is only one ziggy in my belly. it’ll be such a relief to simply know.

i am getting boy vibes from this baby. not as strong as jude’s girl-vibes were, but definitely present. i’m not committing to anything here, but if i give birth to a boy, i won’t be surprised. that’s all.

my judechild is still calling me daddy. sometimes h gets it, and uncle g as well. but mostly me. some of you asked in the comments of my last post whether i’m okay with that. the answer? totally okay. it’s hilarious to me. we’ve never introduced the word daddy to her vocabulary, so it is something she has picked up for herself. i’m not sure if it has anything to do with the lack of someone named daddy in our home, or if it’s just a term she likes. in any case, it’s damn cute.

incidentally, my official name is ‘mommy’, and sometimes she’ll say it when prompted. that’s the thing: she usually has to be prompted to call h and me by any name whatsoever. until she started calling me daddy, she didn’t address me at all. she usually gets my attention by suddenly appearing in my lap, between my legs, or by grabbing my boobs. so. being called by any name at all is a delicious sort of experience.

so that’s all really. i apologize if you’re bored by this post. i want to tell you stories, but all i’ve got are sporadic sentences. maybe trimester two. in the meantime, keep your eyes peeled for a belly shot, or maybe even a grainy video soon.

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watch this

this trailer makes me all blubbery. babies + beautiful cinematography + sufjan stevens = weepy chicken. i can’t wait to see this movie on the big screen.

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