Archive for the ‘beginnings’ Category

in 10 days, it will be safe for sparky to make her appearance as a home-birthed baby. granted, i am fairly confident she will hold out for another few weeks at least, but still. looking at the ever-shortening countdown to her arrival is…overwhelming.

there is so much that i’ve wanted to write about, to process, but the past couple weeks have found my energy sapped. i think about the things i’m thinking about, consider writing them down, and then promptly fall asleep. it’s hard to believe i’ve been on maternity leave for 4 weeks now. i remember the first week or so pretty well. i did a lot of cleaning. and then i lost my ability to sleep at night. i guess this is practice for what my sleeplife is about to become, but sparky does not let me sleep for more than 4-5 hours at a time at best. my hips burn and ache, and the pain radiates down my legs. tylenol doesn’t do shit for this. i’ve been using rescue sleep spray, which doesn’t help much. and my tolerance for benadryl is simply embarrassing anymore.

i get up with h at 5 every morning, and after seeing her off to school, i try to get some sleep. i fall asleep by 9, and usually wake up about 1. if i am lucky, i will have enough energy to do some dishes or leave the house to run an errand, but mostly i lounge. and then h comes home, we head off to bed ridiculously early, and my turbulent night of hip pain begins again.

so this is why i haven’t been writing, or even remotely processing my feelings about sparky’s imminent birth.

i actually slept not-too-fitfully last night, and so, before i fall asleep again, i want to put some thoughts down. wow, i’m tired.

the other day, we received our copy of the adoption petition from our lawyer. sparky is not yet named on it; she is simply “child to be born june 15”. (petition will be amended once she’s born.) naturally, i am named as the biological mother. and even though it is painfully obvious to anyone with eyes that i am very pregnant, seeing those words on paper was a sobering moment for me.

because i don’t feel like a mother yet. (whatever that is supposed to mean.) even now, as she kicks me vigorously, i’m still in a bit of denial that she is a real person in there. and that she is about to come out. of me. soon. and my life as a solitary individual is over. i am forever a mother. there is no undoing this. i’ve had moments like this all along during my pregnancy. after the initial yayayayayayay when i first saw the double pink lines, a wave of panic washed over me. what did i just do? the moment passed. i’m a procrastinator, after all, and had a good 8 months to put off dealing with thoughts like that.

but here i am now, with a nearly ripe, real baby rolling around inside me. and for the first time, i’m actually considering the hard existential question: can i be a mother and be myself too? will i ever awaken from this zombie state of utter exhaustion and recognize the me i’ve always been?

i know i will learn to adjust. i have always adapted to life-shifts, and kept a sense of who i am in the midst of everything. i’ve just never deliberately chosen something THIS big before, this irreversible. i’ve never brought a new human being into existence before.

when i was 3 or 4, i remember watching the big kids walk to school and thinking, “i’ll never be able to go to kindergarten.” and then i somehow did it. when i was 14, i thought, “i’ll never be able to actually get my drivers license. i’ll never learn how to drive.” and i did it. later, i worried about how i’d go to college, live on my own, etc etc. and the heretofore biggest insurmountable obstacle: i’ll never be able to be openly gay, or be in an actual relationship with a woman. impossible. and yet…

when the time is right for me, i simply push past the paralyzing fear, and do what is needed to be done. at this particular moment in my life, i feel myself on that threshold again. only, this is my ultimate fear: i’ll never be a mother. i’ll never get through childbirth. i’ll never be able to raise an actual child. my daughter is about to prove me wrong again. ready or not, she is coming, unstoppable force that she is. (sometimes, her fiery energy is so strong in my belly, that i nearly step aside and confess that i am just the conduit for her to get here.)

there is so much more emotion and fear and excitement churning around in my brain, but my eyes are heavy. more later. if you have read this far, thank you for bearing with my incoherent ramblings. i had to get out of my own head a bit. maybe i will rest better…


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first time.

i have sperm inside me for the first time.

right now.

i’m propped. right now.

h and the coach are sharing a cigarette in mutual celebration.

this is probably early. opk’s are still a little light. but, i have: ewcm. spotting. constipation. open, soft cervix.
so.  the coach donated early.  after i’m done laying here, we’ll play some canasta and call it a night.


we did it.  with a little help from preseed and pornotube.
we are officially ttc.

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hey coach,

i realllllly don’t want to get in the way of your “personal time”, but i think i may be ovulating a little sooner than i thought. would you mind abstaining today and tomorrow? monday may be the day…

if anything changes, i’ll let you know it’s safe to resume.

oh, and can i buy you a beer tonight? 🙂

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midwife without a nickname thus far has impressed me quite a bit…so much so that i would really love to work with her.
and so i immediately emailed her my concerns, because i’d hate to be officially rejected because she hates the gays or something.

my email:
I know we are in Austin, but I am still nervous about any potential awkwardness with my pregnancy situation. I am a lesbian with a  partner, and I am using a known donor. If we work together, would this make you uncomfortable at all?

her reply:
I can’t think of any of  the other lesbian couples I have worked with  feeling anything but joy and a deep friendship, so no . I would be honored to have a slumber party at your house with the guest of honor arriving wet and naked. Give me a call…    Soon, Midwife w/o a nickname.

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being the research monster i’ve become, i emailed every midwife in town about the insurance issue, and here are the responses i got:

“You should be able to apply for a gap exception
because there are no in network midwives or birth
centers. I have a client who just did this.
But if you decide to choose the self pay option we
would set up monthly payments for you.”

“I do give an early payment discount and I will consider trade/barter. Also,
a payment plan that works for both of us can be arranged. We have been suprised often by insurance
companies that will pay when they see my license information. Billing is always worth a try.”

“We have had luck getting waivers with some insurance company EPO plans.
Since there are no certified nurse-midwives available in network in Austin,
you can request a waiver. We have not tried it with United but it is worth a
shot…The need for labs and ultrasounds vary and are not included in the general fee.We would have both
labs and ultrasounds done at “in-network” locations for you and rarely cost
you anything.”

“United does pay me , or has in the past depending on your contract. I will be happy to fill out the necessary paperwork to be in network with them .So don’t give up completely on the insurance …….I can call and find out when the time comes .”

so there you have it. for now, i’m going to work with the ob/gyn i found for the preconception testing, since i am covered.

yesterday, h. and i both saw our GP for treatment of our sinus infections/mystery virus. we like to call her dr. glamorshots, since her business cards feature just that: bouffant do, sultry smile, and stethoscope around her neck, just so we know what she does. anyway, i told dr glamorshots that we were going to begin trying soon. she grinned, and immediately spread the word to her nurses, who we adore. we all had a nice giggle about it, and h. said she felt like she should be passing around cigars.

i also told dr glamorshots that i have all but quit smoking. as a former 2packer, she has hounded me for two years about my need to quit. she shook my hand in congratulations.

when my pulse was taken, by the way, it was 70bpm, down from the typical 80-85 it has been for the past 10 years. coincidence? hmmm.

in other news, h and i are really enjoying the codeine cough medicine. a lot. it goes especially well with a nice red wine. particularly when watching the lesbian drama reality show, workout, on bravo. nothing like living it up before becoming a teetotaler. we sat stoned on meds and vino all evening, gazing stupidly into each other’s eyes, confessing our loveloveLOVE for each other, and just how excited and scared we are to start our family.

i love my unwedded wife.
we are making plans to have a legal ceremony, sooner than later…

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insurance question!

does anyone have advice about dealing with insurance and midwives? my plan allows me to use in-network providers, and none of the birthing centers in austin, texas are in that network.

i’ve been in contact with a midwife who recommends i apply for a “gap exception”, and i am utterly confused about the process. my insurance company, of course, is not helpful at all, especially since my questions are hypothetical at this point.

also, if i have to pay out of pocket, what is a fair fee? in my research, i’ve come across a rather broad range of charges.

digression: all this birthing/insurance research is totally getting my mind off the countdown to insemination. funny, that.

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sick sick sucks.

h. got sick on easter.

the prenatal vitamins kept me strong for a whole week.

now i’m sick.

together, we go to the doctor today, with high hopes for relief. it’s only been 3 days, and i’m already a whiny, stoned-on-Vicks fool. meh.

my chart is bizarre with the sickness. my temp dipped for 4 days in a row, down to the low 96’s. this morning it spiked a degree. 97 degree fever? strange.

as of today, i have a standing appt w/ my pcp, as well as a new obgyn for my preconception appt. i also have a call in to a great midwife i found. if she can work with my insurance company, i am dropping the drs. she is the only midwife at the only birthing center i could find that referred to “birthing mom and partner” as opposed to husband. and she has a mobile birthing pool! 🙂

today is last day of period. let the countdown to the big o begin.

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