“are you sure?”

ETA: i stand corrected. jude is 34 1/2 inches tall. jebus.

in my head, i’m currently writing jude’s 15 month letter. soon it will be on virtual paper as well.

but guess what? on weds, we laid jude on the scale at the ped’s office, her head touching the edge so her height could be measured. the nurse paused as she calculated. “are you sure her head is touching?” she asked. “because she is 34″ tall.” yes, friends, at 1 year, 3 months old, my daughter is almost tall enough to ride a roller coaster. at 12 months, btw, she was 33 inches. she is on track to be 3 feet tall by age 2, which, anecdotally, means that i should start investing in the longest of long pants now, because holy hell she’s going to be 6 feet tall.

(incidentally, she also weighs 30 lbs.)

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new masthead!

a million starry thanks to cali for creating such a kick ass masthead. i’m honored.

x

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the thing with feathers.

first, a hearty, soulful, grateful, oh so happy congratulations to ms farmer femme on her poetic bfp! friend, i am teary mess of joy over here.

second, i have an appt with a new, midwife-friendly ob/gyn, and will hopefully have a clomidified next cycle. last time i experimented with the drug, we got ourselves a baby on our 2nd attempt. here’s to history repeating.

and third, that there baby seems to be waking up from a nap. time to tell her about her new agrarian ivp cousin!

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ttc q of the day.

dear ttc-ers,

am i the only one gains weight while ttc? wtf?

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flowers.

the news about my empty womb came down at the beginning of my work day. to soften the blow a bit, h & j came to visit me for lunch.

upon arriving, jude saw me from 100 feet away, and for the first time ever, ran to me. with arms precariously raised and screams of absolute joy she ran and ran until she reached me. i scooped her up, spun her around, and she hugged me over and over while planting my face with loud wet kisses.

we walked to a nearby playground, and on our way, jude noticed some perfectly-planted-in-a-business-park-way lantana. “flowers” we said. “flowers” she said, in such a matter of fact way that it sounded just like she’d been rolling the word around in her mouth for weeks.

we slid down slides. she gave me pebble after pebble, one of which is now sitting on my desk. we snuggled and sweated. and i returned to work remembering that we are so very complete and lucky. and blessed.

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well, at least i can have liquor.

12dpo. temp is not really rallying. negative test (the digital not pregnant kind). cramps like a mofo. and now? spotting.

i know when i’m licked. i am not pregnant this month. onward. and a smooth irish whiskey awaiting me tonight.

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dippity denial.

big dip this morning. back ache. i know what is coming, but i’m going to live in denial for a few more redless days. for now, i’m going to call it a late, but possible, implantation dip.

pee ess, existential question of the day: is there a difference between hope and denial?

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10.

today’s chart:

negative today. persistent symptoms include:

intense need to sleep
weepiness. lots and lots of weepiness.
sore nips. nursing = ow.
did i mention exhaustion?
intermittent nausea.
the bloat. meh.

this 2ww is a lot harder than i anticipated. i’m trying so hard to keep my head. i focus on jude, on how happy and complete a family we already are. but my need to know is overwhelming. i feel pregnant. i don’t want to be wrong.

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thumb twiddler.

shamelessly begging for entertaining distractions tonight. got any?

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psycho…

…somatic, much?

nausea and sugar lows and nausea and cramping. and nausea.

meanwhile, my actual child is way into pens and toilet paper rolls today, especially dropping the former through the hole of the latter.

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