sometimes.

i lose the balance
fall backwards
in fear
i can’t do this i can’t do this
i’m so tired
stretched so thin
i understand every cliche of motherhood
this is not a poem
i’m too exhausted for that sort of thing

so i pass off the baby
take a klonopin and a sip of whiskey
and hope for sleep
so tomorrow will be new

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all new baby.

i told my friend shannon yesterday that it feels like we have just abruptly encountered the beginning of the end of jude’s babydom. she replied, “everything is the beginning of the end when they’re in this stage. and by ‘this stage’ i mean all of childhood”.

right.
childhood.

so. this weekend was an explosion of milestones in our household, not the least of which was jude beginning an actual forward crawl. she can also pull herself up to standing, and is seriously contemplating the risks and benefits of cruising. and she is getting hang of moving from crawl stance to sitting up. yeah, all of this happened in the same hour, as i watched, slackjawed and drooling.

in that same fateful hour, jude sat happily playing with the aforementioned creepy talking puppy. she loves the creepy talking puppy, especially when it offers nonsequitur statements like “it’s learning time” or “yellow foot” or, most frightening, “that tickles”. anyway, puppy randomly said “bye bye”, and immediately jude replied, “bye bye”. and then i crapped my pants.

so we’ve got wawa, mama, and now, byebye. words. words communicated through my child.

so much change. it’s not subtle at all. it’s saying goodnight to a baby, and saying good morning to this…burgeoning kid. i’m overwhelmed by jude’s developmental momentum. i’m excited and i’m achy with present tense nostalgia. i’m not ready to let go of my baby.

speaking of saying goodnight, we have begun to implement a better (ie more consistent) bedtime routine. our baby is a night owl. she also loves to sleep in. she’s more of a college student than baby, honestly. last night, she actually fell asleep for the night by 10 pm. this development is brilliant. she slept all the way through until 4 am, when she joined us in bed for snuggling and an early breakfast. if we can keep this schedule going, i will be a happy, satisfied mama. h and i will have a bed to ourselves for most of the night again, and i’ll also get some good snuggle time with jude every morning before i go to work.

i’m going to end this post prematurely, as i’m a little too scattered to flesh out my thoughts on cry it out and jude. hopefully tomorrow. for now, have a photo i just received of my baby trying to type:

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7 months

dear jude,

once again, my letter to you is belated. what can i say? we are all a bunch of sickies at our house. beginning a week ago–not coincidentally, three days after visiting your pediatrician–all of our throats became a telltale kind of scratchy, and it’s all gone downhill from there. all three of our noses are snotty, but your moms have the benefit of understanding the concept of nose-blowing. you, sadly, have become well-acquainted with the bulbous aspirator of doom.

our collective sickness this week has not been all bad. we stayed home together and watched a powerpuff girls marathon, for example. i know that this statement will mean nothing to you by the time you’re old enough to read these letters, but trust me: six hours of the powerpuff girls are hours well spent. also, we were able to watch the inauguration of barack obama together as a fambly. i nursed you, bulbed you, and snuggled you on my lap as we watched the festivities and made snarky comments about the evil lord cheney in his wheelchair. bliss.

anyway, back to your month. you grew up so much this month, my love. i don’t even know where to begin. your auntie kris says of her baby that she is waking up and up and up. that perfectly describes this month with you. without further ado, here, have some bullet points:

• you are very nearly crawling.  until yesterday, you simply didn’t have the bravery to lift one arm up off the ground.  now, you’re showing off with your one-handedness.  don’t forget: trying to crawl with no hands is not possible.  face plants and crying ensue.
• you wave.  you aren’t quite sure what to do with your fingers when waving, so it kind of looks like your playing castanets, or doing the backwards italian “ciao” .  in any case, it’s adorable.
• you continue to be huge.  at your most recent dr appt, you weighed in at 24 lbs, 15 oz.  you were 29 1/4″ long as well.  and your head was large as well, though i can’t remember the measurements.  the dr says i have blue bell ice cream in my boobs.  i suppose that’s a compliment? needless to say, your size remains in the 98th percentile.
• you talk.  maybe we’re crazy, but you say “mama” and mean it.  you usually say it when you need comfort.  and just yesterday, you sized up your sippy cup said “wawa”.  
• you know the names of all the pets.  “where’s claira?” i’ll ask, and you stare at claira.  “where’s sal?” and you shift your gaze to sal.  
• you now have two teeth, with more in hot pursuit.

so that is a snapshot of your developmental month, my girl.  the other day, i told mama h that engaging with you anymore is more like engaging a person than a baby.  (does that sound mean?  i surely mean no offense to babies.) what i mean is that you understand so much, communicate so much, that i forget you are a dependent baby. and then you leave a log in your pants, and calmly articulate that your diaper isn’t going to change itself, thanks.

i love you, my darling daughter. every day with you is joy.

love,
mama

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the sick.

all three of us are sick, simultaneously. i am back at work today, after two days at home with my girls, and i feel wave two of the sick taking me over. and these cough drops are shite.

the redeeming part of the whole experience? getting to be home to watch the inauguration with a snotty baby on my lap. snuggling for dear life with my girls, as we all drift off into the relief of sleep. feeling for the first time that ultimate selflessness of momhood: i care more about my baby feeling better than myself. and i care on a deeper, more primal level than i can express without roaring.

i’d roar if i could.

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have i mentioned?

have i mentioned that i really miss having time to thoughtfully post here? tomorrow is jude’s 7 month birthday, and i am hoping for a block of time to sit down and write her a letter. h, however, is under the weather. j seems to be close behind, with loads of congested crankiness. and don’t get me started about the teeth. right now, she is hanging out in her pack – n – play/cage, playing with her overstimulation, bright lights, creepily “i love you” saying puppy. and she’s actually NOT whining. win.

anyway. that’s all.
the whining has commenced once again.

but have a photo that i really like:

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new trick!

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all things new.

hello there, all. i must thank you a bazillion times over for the wonderfully kind words you sent my way after my last post. the commiseration and encouragement have carried me a long way.

after a full on panic attack on new years eve, i filled my prescriptions. i’m taking a very low dose of prozac (10 mg every other day), and have only needed the klonopin once. hormonally, i’ve felt a little more balanced. and my overwhelming love for my child is feeling more…palpable these days. already, i feel able to savor emotion a little longer, before it takes off in another direction entirely.

i apologize for the dearth of posts around here over the holidays. we have traveled every weekend (to dallas and tiny, texas respectively), and my work days have been longish and draining. i just accepted a lateral sort of promotion, which will hopefully mean more professional visibility, and i’m spending my days now learning the ropes. and pumping, of course. in fact, i should probably go do that now.

but here, have a blurry happy photo of my judelet, who now waves at me as i leave for work.

pee ess, i just remembered it’s that delurking time of year. care to reveal yourselves, hordes of lurkers? (all 1 of you.)
i’d love to wave hello to you specifically!

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