calling all internets.

hello friends,

i need your stories. we are struggling through some of the changes that my pregnancy has brought. changes include:

1. holy shit we’re having a baby. now what?
2. i am now a hormonal sick lump, whose sole purpose in life is to incubate. (aka, where did h’s partner go?)
3. h feeling very separate and alone in this journey. as the non-bio mom, at this point she feels pretty detached from the whole process. the baby doesn’t feel like it’s her child yet, but she already feels the obligation part.
a. the obligation to take care of both me and sparky.
b. the scary obligation of being responsible.
c. the fear that her life will now be 100% pre-decided.

is this making sense? we are simply dealing with the freakout of change. and that’s where you come in.

can you tell me stories of your own freakouts, and how you navigated the scary waters? non-bio moms, how did you deal with your partner’s pregnancy–or anticipation of your partner’s pregnancy?

[edit: we have read confessions of the other mother, and maybe we should crack it again. from what i remember, it didn’t really deal with the freak out issue all that much.]

i want to give these stories to my beloved h, to show her that she is not alone.

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a few things.

i’ve been meaning to post for the past few days, but have been so tired, and so sick, and i didn’t want to write a whinefest. so, let me get it over with quickly: i feel crappier every day, pretty much. when i am not sleeping, all i can think about is sleeping. also, potato chips are awesome. the saltier, the better. mmmmm.

/whining.

my birthday was so. much. fun. we had a fire in our backyard, and friends came over for s’mores and chocolate cake. i made some hot mulled cider as well. there was very little alcohol (just a wee nip of whiskey for a few folks), which is unheard of with our group of friends. and yet, we were all tipsy as we warmed ourselves against the fire. and we watched the full moon rise over our house.  i was even blessed with an evening-long reprieve from the morning sickness.  i was so very grateful.

my friends were very generous with their love and gifts. i was given a signed madeleine l’engle book, prenatal vitamins, gorgeous barrettes, a pink bat tshirt, and one must not forget the st otto–patron saint of parking–air freshener. sweet h got me mama bee belly butter and a baby book. just this evening, i received a card from her mum. along with her generous gift, she signed her card, “granny b”. she is so excited about sparky.

my doctor appointment on friday. i haven’t really talked much about it other than the amazing ultrasound, because i’m still processing everything. it was a routine first prenatal appointment for the most part. they gave me lots of free literature about pregnancy and baby care. my dr was happy with the growth of my uterus. everything was puppies and kittens until we said the m word. yep. midwife. when we brought up the possibility of the midwife, dr c’s eyes narrowed and she said: “i don’t recommend it. this is your first baby, and it is simply unsafe. what the midwives won’t tell you is how many of their messes are brought into the hospital where i deliver. i don’t recommend the midwife, but i’m not going to talk you out of it.”

now i know that to some extent, dr c has to say that. however, it was a side to her i’ve never seen. she has been so wonderful and respectful up until now. maybe she is taking it personally that we would rather have a midwife deliver than her. it’s not about her at all. it’s about hospitals and interventions and bullying. on friday, i felt bullied. i felt like my wishes were naive.

when i paid my copay, the receptionist gave me the rundown on how they’d be billing from here on out–from the next appointment until sparky’s birth–and it freaked me out a bit. my next appointment is 11/21. i need to make a decision about a midwife before then, before the insurance ball gets rolling.

you may remember my email exchange with this midwife back in april. well, i got in touch with her, and we have our free consult on thursday at 2 pm. she lives less than 10 minutes away from us, and just a block away from the coach, which is entertaining. from all the stories i’ve read about her, as well as her credentials, i think she may be a perfect fit. seriously, she’s done seminars with ina may gaskin…

i confess that i feel like i’m cheating on my doctor by leaving her for a midwife. i feel guilty! after all, she played a huge role in getting me pregnant. and now i’m saying thanks, but no thanks. i’ll get over it, but she seemed genuinely upset on friday. sigh. is this scenario familiar to anyone?

ok. enough of my ramblings tonight. i leave you with belly picture, round one! 7 weeks, 1 day.

and here i am in a hormonal moment, as i’m already feeling fat and frumpy:

i am no skinny girl, but most of that paunch is baby. already. as h patted my belly this morning, she said, “oh my god, honey. you’re going to be huge!” um. wow.

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best. birthday gift. ever.

we just got home from the doctor’s office. today was the first big prenatal appointment. lot of bloodgiving and peeing in cups. a surprise pap.

nurse: you’re not due till april. i’m sure we can give you the annual after you give birth in june.
dr: i’m not going to say anything. i’ll let you figure it out as i clamp the speculum and start swabbing.
me: woo! that’s cold! i’m getting a pap right now?

when it was finally time for the ultrasound, my bladder was full and my suzy hurt inside and out. however, dr c quickly found the one! sac, and a sparky snuggled within it, complete with a strong flickering heartbeat. h squeezed my hand.

sparky is measuring 6w4d, which is maybe a day behind, but fine. today, i am healthy. the baby is healthy. there is no better birthday gift.

without further ado, here is sparky.

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today.

sick sick sick. still no puking, but wondering if it would be better if i just stuck my finger down my throat. sea-bands worked wonders in the middle of the night, when i tossed and turned with nausea and sore sciatic nerve. now? not so much.

thank the good lord that my intermittent fmla leave kicked in today. this means i can miss a day of work when morning sickness kicks my ass and not be penalized. (i work in a department where one incurs incidents for absences, even when allotted sick time is used.)

and so i am taking half a day off today, and i’ve been sleeping and whining when awake. sweet h obliged my “craving” (ie idea for food that didn’t make me want to gag) by driving over to p.apa jo.hns for a pepperoni pizza. of course: 2 bites then nausea. i can’t win.

oh, and h wanted me to post this because she predicted it from the moment i said i wanted to get pregnant: i am off the chicken.

i cannot express the weight of that statement. i am a chickenphile of the highest order. i adore chicken. and sweet h the vegetarian does wonders with chicken preparation for me. yesterday, i packed a lunch of a perfectly seasoned chicken breast and rice w/ peas. i could barely get through half of the chicken before my gag reflex started making noises. basically, i feasted on rice.

so now, our freezer is full of what was meant to be my chicken lunches, along with the homemade chicken soup.

sparkling water with lemon is still my savior, so i am going to sip away and then nap before i have to drag my ass into the office.

pee ess two days until:
a. our 2nd ultrasound
b. my birthday!

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dear sparky.

dear little sparky, blueberry of my womb,

one month ago today, i dropped your grandmother off at the airport, along with your aunt e. it was 7 am, and your mommy h frantically drove over to uncle coach’s house for what we liked to call a driveby. we arrived home in a rush: there wasn’t much time! i had to go to work! this was our one shot! soon, i was propped up on the new yoga ball in bed, and i stared at the ceiling, hoping and wondering–could this be the time it works? two days later, i stared at the full moon, grieving over the loss of your grandfather 10 years ago that day, and i held my belly with hope. all the while, you were already there, conceived.

happy one month conception, little one. grow, grow.

i thanked the ever-waxing moon for you tonight.

love,
mama

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tmi.

so. morning sickness = byebye sex life. i haven’t had the energy or desire to get all freaky lately. this makes me sad. and i’ve been working it all out in my dreams, i think. last night i had a sexish dream that even featured a nice O. and immediately after, i cramped and cramped, and told myself to wake up. upon waking, the cramps were real and painful. i rushed to bathroom, but thankfully, no blood. i returned to bed, and a sleepy h rubbed my lower back until i fell back asleep.

i’ve read that O’s can cause cramping, but holy moly, it was intense.

and this morning my belly was bigger. i guess my muscles are doing some super stretches.

it must be time to start taking belly shots.

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week seven.

week seven dawned with my internal alarm clock beeping loudly: morning sickness attack!!

before i even got out of bed i was defeated. somehow i got myself showered and breakfasted and out the door to work, and now, i’m surrounded by saltines and ginger ale and crackers and peppermint gum and and and. no.

meh.

so, sparky the blueberry must be growing and growing, or else i wouldn’t feel so shitty. this puts a small smile on my piqued face. 🙂

one thing: tootsie rolls are nectar of the gods. glory be.

mahjong night was a success–i made it through with very little nausea. and it was very sweet to sit around the table, all of drinking ginger ale instead of champagne as is custom. (of course, i still had the hangover this morning.)

now to attempt a bit of productivity…right after i pee.

pee ess, new fun symptom: chapped chapped lips.

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all about the ginger.

it is a gorgeous saturday afternoon. the light streaming through the windows is autumn. the window are open and the world smells so. good. 4:30 pm. and i’ve been in bed all day.

morning sickness is not what i thought it would be. i was convinced i’d probably have it all day long, what with the puking and relief, puking and relief. as a girl who had an ulcer a few years ago, that’s doable. as long as there is relief.

no such luck, unfortunately. so far, there has been no puking, just nausea like a clammy blanket on my skin. i wake up feeling alright and hungry. and i eat, and then it comes. and stays. ginger snaps and/or ginger ale have become staples, as have the crackers and water. still not a lot of relief.

i’m frustrated that i’m missing the day. i really want to go outside and play. but getting up is so tiring. ha. i’m such a whiner.

i will be getting out of the house later today. our friend dee is moving back to houston this week, after a year in austin. the coach and h and i will gather at his house one last time to play mahjong. and i will try not to vomit.

pee ess, my belly feels like i’ve been doing situps. my abs are sore and tired. such a weird sensation. tomorrow begins week 7. woot woot.

dig the disheveled look, y’all.

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i have big beasts. with an r.

check these babies out! i’ve surpassed grapefruit and am now in the realm of honeydew, says h.

*please excuse the old cigarette butts that are hanging out on my front porch, where i took this photo. i am most definitely not smoking.

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i love to sleep.

i have not fallen into deep sleep so quickly since passing out from too much wine. holy moly. every night i am exhausted. after 10 hours of sleep, it’s still difficult to get out of bed. no nausea upon waking just yet, but 1/2 hour after i eat, the nausea and sleepiness sweep over me. unfortunately, this happens just as i sit down to begin working…

also, after a few days’ reprieve from the curse the punched boobies, the big ache is back. and the girls are bursting forth.

pregnancy is simply weird.

here’s to productivity.

pee ess: it has been one week since the blood scare. (wait. six days, but still…) no more blood whatsoever. panties and tp have both been gorgeous.

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