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update.

so, i am home sick for a second day, as i try to rid myself of the green goo residing in my head. jude had her mmr shots yesterday, and is seconds away from cutting her bottom molars. this combination has resulted in a cranky, contrary, tantrum-y toddler, who has taken to biting my nips in frustration. last night, she even bit one through my shirt. oh, my little angel.

while it makes my heart ache to think she is not feeling well, it is also hilarious to hear her swear to herself in that unintelligible pre-english language of hers. she is yosemite sam in a diaper.

chart update: temp is still up. insemmed last night. i got another +opk this morning. yesterday’s was an immediate 2 dark lines. today’s took about a minute, but it is definitely positive. so, we will do it again tonight, for good measure. i’m pretty sure my egg was waiting for the swimmers last night, twiddling her thumbs, and staring at her egg timer.

in the unromantic moment of the insem, i tried to imagine all this clinical stuff resulting in an actual person. a daughter or son. jude’s sister or brother. and h sang the yo gabba gabba song “think happy thoughts” quietly to herself as she did the deed. afterward, we watched an episode of modern family on hulu.

i’m going to take a nap now, but here is my new favorite pic of j, taken by rachel.

DSC_0168

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[note: for those readers who have no desire to know about charting cycles, you may want to skip this post entirely. it will be very boring for you.]

so.  yesterday.  cd12.  i had a significant temp shift.  i did temp at 5 am, instead of the usual 7:30ish. opk was negative. i chalked it up to being sick, and crappy sleep. today is (natch) cd13, and temp is up for a 2nd day. opk was ridiculously positive. test line was twice as dark as the control. obviously, we are going to insem tonight.

my question lies with yesterday’s temp. i have never had a temp shift before a +opk. i usually ovulate the day after my first +. oh charting masters, when do you think O day will be? today? tomorrow? how would you plan insems if you were in my ovaries shoes?

here is a visual:

Picture 1

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of note

today begins clomid challenge 2009! whee!

i have a new ob/gyn who was recommended by my midwife as being “midwife-friendly”. i don’t know that she is especially friendly towards them, as much as less hostile. she reiterated the party line about taking my unborn child’s life into my own hands by choosing to work with a midwife, etc. i nodded and said i understood.

the thing about this new doctor is that she seems to be a rather crunchy, braid-to-her-butt type. she held eye contact with me for a long time. her eyes are deeply green. after quizzing my knowledge of my own reproduction system and its issues, she agreed with me that if i want to have a child sooner than later, clomid is a good idea. after an ultrasound, which i had. aside from some follicular cysts, all looks well in there. i’m having a big ass blood panel done whenever i finish procrastinating, which will include a test for toxoplasmosis. anyone listen to radiolab? after the episode about the genius of parasites, i have a whole new respect and mortal fear of toxo.

back to the un-nicknamed doctor, at the end of our visit, she advised that, should i have an emergency transport when it comes time for me to give birth again, she would not be willing to be the doctor on call. fair enough. however, and at this point she gave me the green-eyed stare again, she did say that if my pregnancy ended up high risk for whatever reason, she would be happy to be my doctor. well okay then.

all this to say, i’m ambivalent about my new ob/gyn, but my gut says to trust her. so she will remain my ob/gyn for the foreseeable future.

let the challenge begin!

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the thing with feathers.

first, a hearty, soulful, grateful, oh so happy congratulations to ms farmer femme on her poetic bfp! friend, i am teary mess of joy over here.

second, i have an appt with a new, midwife-friendly ob/gyn, and will hopefully have a clomidified next cycle. last time i experimented with the drug, we got ourselves a baby on our 2nd attempt. here’s to history repeating.

and third, that there baby seems to be waking up from a nap. time to tell her about her new agrarian ivp cousin!

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ttc q of the day.

dear ttc-ers,

am i the only one gains weight while ttc? wtf?

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clarification.

sorry to have pulled the old uterus switcheroo on all of you!

here is an explanation as to why a blastocyst may or may not be implanting in my uterus right about…now:

our discussion about who will carry has continued to go back and forth since the last time i wrote about it. we decided to take turns trying (and not in a way that could lead to us both being simultaneously pregnant). i actually did try in july, but we kept it really quiet. obviously, i didn’t get pregnant. when h’s turn rolled around, timing circumstances prevented an attempt.

meanwhile, my body is doing this weird thing where i have a 15 day, anovulatory cycle, followed by a 28ish day, ovulatory one. this month? tada! picture perfect chart.

underneath this egalitarian approach to conception, however, i’ve struggled. we are ready to expand our family. h does want to try to get pregnant. i want to try to get pregnant. and i think i really want it more. i experience a whole lot of grief when i think about not being the one to carry this time. we have talked about it honestly. and i’ve talked about it with my therapist, trying to get to the bottom of my sadness. here is what i’ve come up with:

i continue to be the working mom in our family. mostly, i am okay with this. i miss being intimately involved in jude’s daily schedule, but i make the absolute most of our time together. i try to protect every minute from distraction. overall, i’m happy with my job, and the balance i have with family life. and yet. i cannot deny how hard it is to be separated from the experience of raising my daughter every day.

if h gets pregnant, i am afraid of the feeling further left out. i will not be able to be intimately involved with the pregnancy. i won’t be able to support h when she is unable to balance a fetus and a toddler. and when the baby comes, i will have two weeks off. i worry about this.

and then there is the simple fact that–despite my kvetching here–i loved being pregnant. my whole body aches to be the one to carry our next child.

am i being selfish? i’d venture a “yes”. but. BUT. despite all of the above, i DO still support h’s desire to carry. however, she continues to waver about it. the reality of pregnancy (especially while also being responsible for a precocious toddler) sobers her curiosity about what it would be like to have a biological child.

so. as of now, we’re trucking along, negotiating possibilities, and maybe i’m pregnant. and, as convoluted as this whole conversation sounds, there is no tension in our household about kid 2.0. we’re on the same page. and as i sit here–lotus, in an office chair on a lunch hour–i feel like remarkably peaceful about the whole process.

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1000 words, give or take:

Picture 6

ahem, that would be my chart.

choo choo.

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bullets.

  • we have taken alllll your amazing words to heart, re: kid 2.0, and may have reached a verdict.  thank you for participating so graciously in such weighty decisions.  you are all my favorites.
  • we’ve both been peeing on ovulation sticks, to keep track of our cycles.  we even share the same pee cup.  (ah, intimacy.)  the other day, h got a very positive opk, and a little while later, i tested, and got a near positive.  two hours after that, however, i started bleeding, at which point i asked h if she’d rinsed the pee cup after testing positive.  she blushed and shook her head no.  yes, friends, i tested positive for h’s ovulation.  and then promptly started my period…14 days after i’d started my last period. (a 2nd opk with only one line proved this.)
  • did i mention that the shared pee cup is an empty prozac bottle?
  • in other news, my toddler defies logic by continuing to get cuter, every single day.  and curls?  my former baldy gots curls!

Photo 423

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on timing.

we’ve hit a good stride in our home recently, with a toddler on a predictable-ish schedule, who is happy and growing and adored. h loves being the homemaker (in every sense of the word) mama, and i’m plugging along at work, hoping to move onward and upward. in a word, we are content.

and yet, we are in more and more serious talks about another baby. soon. well, realistically, it may not be soon. we could start trying tomorrow, and maybe we’ll have a harder time getting pregnant. but. we could (heh) conceivably have a child within a year. a whole new life. a whole new member of the fambly. are we up for this?

my uterus is going to sit this round out. h is ready to try, i.e. the subtle tick tock is crescendoing into jungle drums. familiar much? uncle g is onboard for another round. i can hear his parents squealing at the prospect of more grandchildren to spoil. it feels like we’re revving up toward ttc again…

are we insane to be considering the possibility of two kids in diapers? probably. does that mean we should wait until jude is a little older to try for another? i don’t know. it didn’t make sense for me to get pregnant when i did, and yet, here is jude. everything is in its right place.

midwife michele reminded us recently that there is never an ideal time to grow a fambly, and that if the world waited for it, we humans be an extinct species. she is probably right. (she may be trying to drum up repeat business, however…)

i waffle back and forth between these three thoughts:

we are messing with a perfect family dynamic.
the family dynamic will only become more perfect with any additional kiddos.
we don’t want jude to be alone, should anything happen to us.

i realize this entry is disjointed. sorry for that. but. i would love to hear your thoughts on:
a. deciding to have just one child
b. having kids close together vs
c. waiting to have more children

in the meantime, it’s so very inappropriate, but equally funny. may i present, babies havin’ babies….

babies havin' babies.

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so, on 29 march, wearefambly became a whole year old.  amazing how quickly the year has passed.  to celebrate, i promptly got sick.

so here i am two days later, just having finished a steaming cup of hot spiced tea made lovingly by my beautiful h, and i’ve got this immense pressure in my chest, an unproductive cough, and fluorescent yellow phlegm slowly making its way out of my lungs.  mmmm.  i feel like i’ve been chainsmoking.  for the record, there has been no chainsmoking.  or non-chain smoking for that matter.  i’m dizzy and whiny and want my mom.  i think i may drag my sorry ass to the doctor today, in hopes for pregnancy-safe medication that will help me kick this whateveritis before it gets worse.  because robitussin? benadryl?  you are not doing your jobs effectively.  and i am afraid that this is the beginning of bronchitis.

sparky, meanwhile, seems pretty oblivious to my pathetic condition.  she is a busy fetus, working on her moves to the chicken dance.  seriously.  if i lean in close to what used to be my belly button, i can hear the faint sounds of the infamous polka (clap clap clap clap).  she especially loves the shake your wings part of the dance (clap clap clap clap).  shaking her tail feathers is a close second, however.

so yes. this little blog is a year old now, begun a mere three weeks before we dove into the mindfuck that is ttc.  i had no idea what a toll the process would take on my relationship with h–this really deserves a whole post of its own.  perhaps soon.–or if it would actually result in a real live pregnancy, followed by a real live baby.  and yet, here we are.  29 weeks pregnant.  miraculous.  still does.not.compute sometimes.

we have been blessed.  our ttc journey was comparatively short: five months, four tries, the realization that i was only ovulating on one side, a little clomid, a yoga ball and a fertility stone, and we made it to phase two.   as a woman who was diagnosed with endometriosis 9 years ago and was told not to get my hopes up for ever getting pregnant, our “easy” ttc road was a shock, really.  i am in awe of my body’s ability to prove doctors wrong.  i am in awe of sparky, finding her way to us despite the odds.

and to my friends still on the ttc path, i hold out so much hope for you.  i ache when you experience loss, and i rejoice in your hardwon victories.  i only hope that i can be as present for you as you have been for me along the way.

you are my sisters, and part of my story.  our story.
thank you.

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