god rest you, del martin. you lived an amazingly brave life. and peace be with you, phyllis lyon. i can only imagine the magnitude of your loss. and my heart aches for you.
Archive for August, 2008
11:30 pm. i should be asleep. laptop battery is about to die and power cord is on another floor of the house–in the room with the precariously sleeping baby.
this is a hard week. jude is perfect, as is my h. anxiety is thick, despite. anxious about anxiety. hoping therapy will help tomorrow. needing a respite. somehow.
you are napping quite lightly beside me, after a filling milk lunch. you’re stirring a lot, which makes me wonder how far i will actually get in writing this letter to you.
ah, the monthly letter. made popular by uber-blogger dooce, these letters are all the rage amongst mamas who blog about their beloved babies. i happen to think it’s a lovely idea: a time of reflection for all your constant monthly growings, and hopefully something of value for you when you become a grown jude, should you be curious about your beginnings.
so. my love. let me start with this: you are huge. i mean this in a good way. at 8 weeks old, you weighed 14 lbs 2 oz, which is apparently off the charts. your midwives giggled with wonder, and my jaw dropped. your perfect chubbiness is the best validation a breastfeeding mother could ever have.
jude, you are a very good baby. seriously. you’ve begun to sleep through the night, which is to say you sleep from about midnight to 5 am every night. our days are lazy, with both me and your other mama still at home. we watch a lot of bad tv as you nurse, hang out in your swing, or squeal at the animals on your playmat. you take a lot of short naps during the day (like now), and you wake up with a smile on your face most of the time. honestly, you are only cranky in the evenings and when you’re gassy. gripe water has been a godsend for your gassiness, and my god, you love the stuff.
on the day you turned 9 weeks old, you surprised us. in front of mama h, uncle g, and me, you effortlessly rolled over from your belly to your back. surely this was a fluke, we thought, so i put you back on your belly, and you immediately rolled over again. you did it again yesterday, and i can tell you are thinking hard about how to accomplish the more difficult back-to-belly roll. we are over the moon and a little nervous about this way ahead of schedule accomplishment. what else do you have up your sleeve, little chicken? you are already an over-achiever, and you make me proud. however, i hope you never feel pressure from us to go at anything more than your own pace. you are so obviously your own woman already, and our goal as parents is to endlessly support your self-discovery and confidence. that, and to gush at everything you ever accomplish. like humongous blowout poo. jude, you are amazing with those.
both your moms are so very much in love with you. every night lately, mama h reads a chapter from the narnia book as i nurse you off to sleep. and then, as your eyes flutter and we get ready to put you in your bassinet for the night, we simply stop and stare. and stare some more. for you are a wonder, and you own our hearts. we both get weepy, and sappy, and we’d kiss you all over right then, but you’d grunt and wake up angry. so we leave you be and kiss you endlessly when you’re awake.
speaking of which, you are waking up now. so i leave you with this: in those moments of quiet concentration and slow smiles, when you stare into my eyes with recognition, i tell you you are my life. i tell you that i love you more than i knew i could love. and it is my hope that i am passing lovenotes under the door of your subconscious; that some part of you will remember how fiercely and wholly you are loved.
mama or mommy or ma or whatever you end up calling me.
yesterday, i dug out my old digital camera that records video, and put it in front of jude’s face. i haven’t the time or patience to edit these days, so here is all two minutes of jude being shy and cute. also features lucy the dog. and my annoying voice.
on the day jude turned 9 weeks old, she ROLLED OVER, with purpose and gusto. twice.
first, thank you to everyone who left such kind comments on my last post. it makes all the difference. really. today is a better day all around, and i’m sitting here in my backyard sipping a glass of wine in celebration of small victories.
so, today was jude’s and my 6 week appointment with our midwife, appropriately occurring 8 weeks after jude’s birth. i confess that the delay is mostly due to my own procrastination. i simply wasn’t ready at 6 weeks postpartum to have a speculum all up in my suzy. two weeks later, it was more tolerable.
the good news for me is that my wounds are healing “beautifully”. there’s nothing quite like two women staring at your lady parts with huge grins on their faces, as you hold your legs apart on a bed.
the good news for jude is that holy shit she’s thriving. the moment we walked in the door, midwife michele began to laugh. jude is a chunk, there’s no mistaking it. but we weren’t quite sure just how chunky she is. and so michele laid her on the scale. and…wait for it…our little judelet weighs in at 14 lbs 2 oz!! for serious. she has gained 6 lbs in 8 weeks. michele swears that i feed jude milkshakes. more like recycled hot pockets and hamburgers.
it was so good to see michele and midwife kristen. they are a part of our fambly now, and we love them. jude knew their voices immediately, and was happy to be snuggled in their arms. we promised to stop by for lunch in the near future, and left michele’s house with lots of kisses and hugs.
it was a good day.
and now for photo goodness, complete with our gigantic baby:
pee ess, a note on nappies: at home, we keep jude diapered in bum genius or prefolds with wool soakers. on the go, we put her in disposables. we heart 7th generation, but ironically, it’s the p.ampers swaddlers that help with diaper rashes. go figure. so yeah, that’s all.