i want my money back.

yesterday, h and i went to the county fair with the coach and our friend dee. it was a day of petting baby chicks and goats and alpacas, riding the ferris wheel, and the best people watching ever.

and so, when i saw the “palm readings $5” tent, i thought, “fun!” i’d never had my palm read before.

there were 2 psychics in the tent, very young, serious girls. h and i both sat down for simultaneous readings. i include this bit of information because it makes me feel a little more skeptical about the whole encounted that followed.

immediately after the vague, “you come from a loving family…you will live a long, healthy life” spiel, the psychic honed in on the bottom of my right palm and started drawing circles. “children,” she said.

now we all know why i walked into that tent. i wanted to be mystically encouraged in my fertility and possible pregnancy. but i was mum about why i was there. promising never to tell bad news, she proceeded to kick me in the gut. “i see children in your life in the coming few years. but they will not be birthed from you. no, you will not give birth. you will adopt children. i see one of them with a problem like autism, but don’t worry. it’ll be all good.”

at the end of the reading, the psychic asked if i had further questions. and so i asked specifically about giving birth. she again looked at the bottom of my right palm and said, “no. i don’t see you giving birth, but you will adopt.”

(h’s psychic told her that she’d have 3 children around her, two of which would be like her own…)

whiskey
tango
foxtrot

i know that a lot of psychics are of the miss cleo school of authenticity, and so i am trying not to put much stock in what happened yesterday. and my psychic may have seen me and h and thought, lesbians? clearly they can’t birth children. i’ll placate her with predictions of adoption.

however, i’d be lying if i didn’t admit my fear that she’s right.

maybe my palms were too sweaty. maybe i was swindled. maybe maybe maybe. 7dpo, and there is no way to know much beyond hope.

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the finger.

rejoining the land of photo friday. i immediately thought of this photo when calliope suggested this week’s topic. it’s my sister remembering the alamo on the riverwalk in san antonio last week.

also, this photo features fingers, right? it is my mother and me, on her first trip to austin, where she stayed w/ h and me. very very big development in family relations, that was. in this particular shot, we are in tiny, tx, visiting h’s mum. they got along really, really well. and h and i were so excited about the meeting of the mother-out-laws after 4 1/2 years.

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reasons why i will be pregnant this cycle:

1. my friend chris is bringing me a fertility stone. he is all about the crystals and energy healing, and i see him as a beautiful mystic.

2. september is a proven fertile time for my family: my sister, aunt and uncle (siblings) are all geminis.

3. we insemmed on the autumnal equinox.

4. full moon on september 26, which is the 10 year anniversary of my father’s death. surely he has some pull?

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dr c. versus ff

this morning, i took my temperature like a good little girl. as i expected, it was up for the 3rd day in a row, therefore graduating me officially into my luteal phase. i was surprised and a little crestfallen to see that fertility friend estimated my ovulation day as saturday…the only day i got a +opk, and the day before we insemmed.

my chart and i had a clomid check appointment with dr c this morning. i explained my concern about our timing. she took one look at my chart and said, “no way you ovulated saturday. it happened on sunday. your timing couldn’t have been more perfect.” my ovaries look good and healthy, and she’s mostly happy with my cd18 ovulation. “if we need to prescribe clomid next month, we’ll keep the dose the same,” she said. “however, i fully expect a call letting me know that you got a positive test in 2 weeks.”

trying not to get my hopes up, but when your doctor is so positive, it’s hard not to. i will be a hopeful girl, and try not to wander over into obsessive land.

question: for those of you who use ff, does it always estimate your ovulation that doesn’t gibe with what your body is telling you?

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well.

we are officially in the 2ww. so strange to only have to pester the coach once. i know our chances are lower than they could be. i got a +opk saturday afternoon, and my temp was up yesterday. we insemmed about 7:30 am, and after an intimate 20 minutes propped up on the yoga ball, i whisked myself away to a super busy day at work. opk was decidedly negative yesterday evening, and i had mad crampiness all day yesterday.

we did the best we could with the timing we had, and i’m just hoping my little ms eggness is/was holding her own until the swimmers could get to her…

and now back to the busyness at work.

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update.

thanks so much for the helpful comments!

in the end we decided against inseminating tonight.  i have to take my mom and sister to the airport at 7 am tomorrow, and h will drive over to the coach’s house for an early morning pickup.  we’ll insem before i go to work in the morning.  and we’ll probably do it again tomorrow night.

hopefully the timing will work…

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wwyd?

hello friends.  so sorry it’s been so long since my last post.  insanity has been the keyword around here, with work and health and my mother’s visit being some of the factors.

anyway.  it’s cd17 and i got a positive opk this morning.  tonight is my mother’s last night in town.  i know i won’t ovulate till tomorrow.  if you were in my position (i.e. sneaking around to somehow get inseminated under your mother’s nose), would you chance it tonight and guarantee maximum nervousness/uncomfortableness?  or would you wait until tomorrow?

i’m leaning toward the latter, for peace of mind, but the earliest we could do it tomorrow is 6 o’clock pm.

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help? [edit]

hola ladies,

i was wondering if any of you have a recent discount code for earlypregnancytests.com? i’m about to purchase this month’s stash, and can’t find the email they sent out…

thanks!

[edit: i got it. supplies are ordered!]

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of lodestars and hearts.

first, thank you to everyone who left such encouraging comments on my last post. they have bolstered me as i’ve bled with vengeful cramps. i haven’t had a period this intense in a long, long time.

[oh! reminder! must call in clomid prescription…]

anyway, i knew i wasn’t pregnant on h’s birthday, and decided to treat that knowledge as a blessing to be a little more reckless. we had coffee and beer and cigarettes oh my! it was a good day. we played pool at our favorite bar, and even had an irish car bomb at 4pm. good times.

a few minutes into our first pool game, h knew what she wanted to get for her birthday: a new tattoo. she has been talking about this for a long time, wanting a tattoo that binds her to me.

i wear a constellation of stars and a bird on my back. stars have always been the great symbol of my life. they are constancy, like God, like prayer, like heartbeats. in the seasons of my life when i cannot pray, i draw stars on my hands. over and over like a mantra. the star on my left shoulder blade is hope. the one on my right is joy. (h held my hand as i got that one.)

and so, h decided to have a star tattooed over her heart for me. and i decided to have a lodestar–a north star–tattooed on my neck for her. in downtown austin, there are tattoo parlors on every corner. so, we left the bar, walked across the street, and after five minutes of inking, we were done.

here we are:

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the verdict.

i’m out.

really bad cramps.

temperature dip to just above my coverline.

spotting.

negative test.

so long, hope for a may baby.  hello junebug.

i think i’m okay.  i still had a little hope yesterday, but last night brought the unmistakable cramps.  if nothing else, i know i ovulated this month, which relieved a lot of fear.  i knew this month was funky, and felt as emotionally prepared as i could be. i don’t feel like crying.  i don’t know if i will.

september insems are going to be awkward at best, if i ovulate cd14-15.  my mother is coming to visit.  she arrives 14 days from today.  (maybe the stress of that will delay my ovulation again…) more on her visit later…

it’s my beloved h’s 30th birthday. i am going to put on a pot of strong coffee and deliver breakfast in bed.  she’s snoring beside me at the moment…hopefully, i will be able to rouse her.

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