Archive for February, 2008

oh the dreams.

apologies for lack of posting this week. long work days. and the sick that won’t leave. most likely viral. meh.

the good news is that sparky doesn’t seem to mind any of this. at my 24 week midwife appt yesterday, she measured in at 27 weeks (maintaining her 3 week lead over other 24 week old fetuses). she was also very active during the appointment. she kicked the shit out of the doppler but gave a strong heartbeat. we also got to hear the pulse of the placenta. way cool.

michele found sparky’s head up high and her “bony boy ass” (her words) sitting on my pelvic floor. she showed h how to feel our daughter’s hard little head, and even moved sparky from the right side of my belly to the left. sparky felt confused.

my little girl is now pushing 2 lbs. meanwhile, i continue to not gain weight. i am still 2 lbs under where i was when i got pregnant. i’ve gained nothing in the last 4 weeks. shrug. i’m eating. i’m taking my vitamins and minerals. sparky is taking all the extra padding i had before, i guess.

i’ve had a lot of baby dreams recently. some of them include a miraculously pain-free labor, and me pushing out this chubby-cheeked little girl with squinty blue eyes. she always pops out looking just like the coach. and i’ve had a couple dreams where we get to look inside a belly window to see how sparky is growing. we get to pull her out of the oven for a moment, snuggle her tight, and then put her back.

and then there’s the dream where i forget i have a baby for, like, 5 weeks, and then have an oh shit! moment, and run frantically into her bedroom, where she is sleeping soundly.

last night i dreamt that i had to go get my wee spark from someone else’s house. no birth. just a pick-up. she looked just like me (except with the coach’s squinty blue eyes again). i immediately put her to my breast, and she was a fantastic little eater. h sat next to me, and we couldn’t believe our daughter was finally here, snuggled against me. i loved her fiercely. and felt, for the first time, like a mother.

i woke up this morning with the image of this baby fresh in my mind. i feel like this was really my daughter i met last night. my breasts feel swollen and achy in anticipation. and just under my rib cage, sparky is hiccuping.

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photo friday: tranquility.

this photo was taken by h at h.ippie h.ollow (austin’s nuuuuude beach) last march, when we spent the day basking like seals on the glorious rocks above the water. she swam that day, and froze her arse off, but was she ever invigorated. here i am, nekked as a jaybird, admiring the duckles fambly.

contemplating naked duckles.

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le sigh.

ichat with h:

me: i brought an orange to work, and it’s moldy!
h: did you cry?
me: nearly.

what i forgot to mention: i bought some m&ms to make up for the loss.

[i still crave oranges like nobody’s bidness. i eat them every single day. since december i think. mmmm oranges.]

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sorry for the silence around here. i’ve been faithfully reading all of you, but i’ve been a bit wordless.

i’m having a rough week. i’ve been pretty balanced throughout my pregnancy. i’m still off all my bipolar medication. i’ve not touched the liquor, either. i’ve kept up with my therapy. and i’ve been pretty well at the end of the day. hell, i even bought a house.

but. i haven’t been sleeping well lately. some of it is growing physical discomfort–sitting at work all day makes my tailbone throb to the point of tears–but mostly, i can’t shut my brain off. the manic side of me wakes up at about 3 am every.effing.day. all the worry, all the baggage, all the anxiety whizzes around my head like swarming bees.

the lack of sleep and growing anxiety are catching up with me, i think. this past weekend, i started feeling crappy, like i was fending off a cold or flu. i stayed home from work two days in a row. i slept a lot (thanks benadryl). and though i’m beginning to feel better physically, i am the proverbial basketcase in the emotions department.

i am weepy. so very very weepy. i can’t stop it. i can’t name it either. it’s just there. waterworks. poor, poor h. she worries. she frets. she can’t fix it.

and i’m frustrated. [cue more weepiness.] our beloved pets are driving me crazy. transition is rough for them, naturally, and since we moved in to our new place on saturday, we’ve had both kitty and puppy accidents. mostly on the stained concrete. easy cleanup. no big deal. oh but the cats are hell bent on escaping through open windows, and are already attempting to claw through the screens. and our little shit doxiepoo is working out his anxiety by digging holes in our brand new yard with the brand new sod.

we’re working with the dogs to get them adjusted and comfortable. longer walks, runs through open pastures in our new hood, etc. and the normal me would be able to take this transition in stride. but this crazy, hormonal, anxious me is harboring so much anger toward my dogs! and cats! i don’t want them to snuggle against me in bed. they make me feel claustrophobic.

i am experiencing so much guilt over this. when we decided to adopt our pets, we made a commitment to be responsible for them. i’m not planning to get rid of them or anything. but, as i told h the other day–while weeping and driving–would it kill them to respect our home? our stuff? ha. i know. i am insane. and pregnant. i know i know.

have any of you who have gone down the pregnancy path experienced such weird anxiety?

(i guess i have plenty to discuss with my therapist tomorrow.)

meanwhile, sparky continues to grow. here’s today’s belly shot at 23w4d. new bathroom, new mirror. crappy photo. sorry.


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et cetera.

slow work day. i’m sitting here staring blankly, thinking about how to score a quarter, so i’d have enough change to maybe procure some donuts from the vending machine. and sparky starts kicking. i’m getting fairly used to her dance moves, low in my belly, usually on top of my bladder. i’m beginning to discern hiccups from karate practice, and her jabs and rolls have become a constant comfort for me.

today, she is kicking and jabbing a good 2-3 inches above my belly button. this is a brand new, never-before felt sensation. i’ve had this image of my belly in two stories: below belly button = downstairs. above belly button = upstairs. sparky has never ventured upstairs before today. before right this minute: 22w5d, at noon. and it’s surreal and nearly uncomfortable and so very cool.

have i mentioned how excited i am to meet this little spark?

and have i also mentioned that i have brand new keys to my brand new house, and a brand new bed will be delivered there tomorrow? my aching hips and tailbone rejoice!

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photo friday, thursday edition.

i took this last year, during the whole month i attempted to take a photo every day.

post valentine's day special.

the original caption: a half priced conversation heart sits atop a half priced box of chocolates. i love valentines month.

i’m sad to say i have not yet purchased or received any conversation hearts this year. i am a necco wafer fiend, so this is very unusual. hopefully, i will find myself near a walgreens tomorrow, so i can stock up. mmmm… must introduce sparky to the wonderful world of necco…

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so yeah.

after nearly two months of constant paperwork and papertrails and the sad death of trees in the process, we are closing on our house today. 4 pm.

the dogs are excited, and become ridiculously waggily as we ask, “do you want to move to the country? where you’ll have a doggie door? and grass in the backyard?”

and sparky does a victory dance at the thought of her own room, brand new with a big closet.

finally. we win.

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my post meme

** Post about the meme and link back to the person that tagged you.
i’ve been tagged by lagliv for this meme. because this blog is primarily about one thing (ie, project sparky), i’m linking to my other blog to appear more well-rounded. or something similar.

** Go back to your archives and link to your five favorite posts.

Link One: must be about family
Link Two: must be about friends
Link Three: must be about yourself
Link Four: must be about something you love
Link Five: can be anything you choose

** Tag five other people (at least two must be new acquaintances so that you can get to know them better).

alright. link one. scroll down to 9.26.06. i wrote about my father. and even included an incriminating photograph from when i was 14.

link two. talk about the things we do for friends.

link three. scroll to 1.2.04. i wrestled a long, long time with what it meant to be a christian and a lesbian. this entry is a snapshot of that time in my life. i am so grateful for how far i’ve come, how i no longer struggle, and how much peace i’ve found with who i am.

link four. scroll to 5.22.05. all about my h and how i almost lost her once.

link five. on celebration of fambly.

i am tagging baybeasts, calliope, two girls and one boy, in repair, and mommy too.

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so, i think my first ticker died. because i’ve been 19w5d pregnant for two weeks now. amazing. meanwhile, sparky continues to grow and communicate through constant somersaulting.

i love it. i love feeling her rhythm as i lay on the couch watching mindless tv. i love her protests when i change position in the middle of the night. and i love how she goes from silent sleeper to wide awake upon hearing h’s voice. last night, h read us a nigerian folk tale. sparky rolled and poked the whole time.

tonight, sparky will attend her first concert, as h and i are going to see over the rhine, a longtime favorite band of mine. it’s an intimate show in a tiny venue, and i am just so excited to go, to introduce sparky to the wonderful world of live music. as otr says themselves, “quiet music should be played loud”.

here is a belly shot, wearing my comfiest maternity jeans. sparky is moving on up to the 2nd floor of my belly, it looks like.


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pregnant intimacy.

heat of the moment. hottness! yay!
and what do i say, without fail? “don’t move. i really have to pee. i’ll be right back.”

and amazingly enough, the mood is not ruined!

le sigh.

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