accounted for.

yes, i saw the tumbleweed dramatically blow by this blog too. i know i’ve been neglecting you all. i do apologize for that. but i have an excuse. i’ve been spending a whole lot of time staring at this face:

this smiley mister is a month old today, which blows my overtired mind. there are, as ever, so many stories i want to tell about this past month, and i’d be happy to even bullet point a few key ideas, but i’m still finding the balance of managing two kids, and haven’t quite gotten there. do follow me on twitter if you’d like to watch the chaos in 140 characters or less, though.

so yes, posting will resume soon. soon soon soon.

but for now, i gotsta go! my mom is flying in from pa tonight, and i’ve got to get in the headspace to spend a week listening to a 72 year old woman wax poetic about her most recent discovery of (and subsequent obsession with) doctor who, as well as her super crush on david tennant. this is the woman who has been a rather exuberant fan of the star trek family since its inception. but that’s another story.

ta!

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injury, meet insult.

[warning: gross talk ahead.]

last night should have been awesome. mister zig slept from 10:30pm-3am in his bassinet, which meant that i was able to change positions in bed.
he also slept from 3:30ish-8ish snuggled up to me. for all intents and purposes, he slept through the night! and oy, my boobies are worse for the wear too. rocks, i tell you!

so yeah, banner night in newbornland. only, i didn’t feel good at 3 am. i felt immense pressure in my bum vicinity, like a super squeezed sphincter under great gas pressure. i got up to pee, and the moment i sat down on the toilet, i passed the biggest, scariest clot i could have imagined. the experts tell us postpartum women to watch out for clots bigger than golf balls. this thing was the size of a frog, and definitely all tissue.

thus commenced operation freak the fuck out at 3 am, while sleep deprived already. visions of bleeding out, of ambulances, of separation from my family, of a d&c, of maternal death–they all danced through my head as i tried to get in touch with my midwife. she answered on my second attempt, and sprang from groggy to present immediately as i explained what i’d passed. and then she told me not to worry. the crampy pressure i’d felt was my cervix dilating (again so soon!) to pass the tissue, and i should expect a bit of heavier bleeding as a result. my uterus was doing its job, and getting rid of leftover placenta or lining. she told me to become concerned if i started hemorrhaging, became lightheaded, had a racing pulse, or a sudden fever. she also told me be concerned if i continue to pass more large clots.

i was relieved that i hadn’t passed some plug that held in my whole body’s blood supply, but i was still freaked out and sleep deprived. i had a small panic attack once back in bed, because i was afraid that if i moved at all, i’d start to hemorrhage, or i’d pass something again. and then every bum pressure (ahem, still working out the postpartum constipation here) felt like the contractions i’d just experienced. what if i wasn’t constipated? what if it was more tissue, or my uterus itself? i cried a lot. h held the baby and my hand. and then i finally fell asleep, at which point i had some crazy, sweaty nightmares about dying of this.

it’s daylight now, nearly 10:30 am. i’ve had some breakfast and coffee. h is taking care of both the kids while i lie in bed and rest. i’m staying in bed all day as a matter of fact. definitely bleeding like the beginning of a period, but the blood isn’t falling out of me like i’m about to die, so that’s good. i feel a little more stable overall, less traumatized. now it’s the damned hemorrhoids that are kicking my ass. pun intended.

i’m so ready to have my netherlands back to some semblance of normal.
but good god i’m glad i didn’t die last night.

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even more bullets.

the following are things i have no time on which to elaborate, though i very much want to:

• my son smells like honey.
• he also has actual hair.
• i love to smell his hairy, honey head.
• recovery from a birth without tearing is (surprise!) much easier than a birth a torn perineum.  i actually look mostly “normal” in the netherlands, and can properly sit on my ass without pain.  i never knew this was possible.
• on account of the faster recovery, i can actually hold my boy, change diapers, and nurse sitting up.  i couldn’t do any of these things with jude till she was at least 3 weeks old.
• still not used to wiping balls.
• have only been properly peed on once, though.
• whiskey tastes better than i remember.
• sometimes i feel absolutely delirious from lack of sleep.
• my milk came in on day two of ziggy’s life on the outside.  not a moment too soon, either.  he’d spent the rest of the night previous screaming for 8 hours straight because colostrum was for suckers.  also, he loves my milk.
• he loves my milk so much that last night i ate for dinner two helpings of:  porkchops, steamed spinach, and cornbread.  and i still had room for ice cream.
• did i mention that i’m exhausted?
• even though he sleeps for 3-4 hour stretches at night?
• now i forgot what i was even going to say.
• here, have some pictures from the iphone.  [i’ve been too tired to upload and edit from my big girl camera.]

[oh that big sister jude. how i long to be able to properly interact with her again. it breaks my heart multiple times a day to NOT be the one to comfort her, feed her, even discipline her. i hate being the inert mommy. i cry a lot about this. oh yeah, that was my last bullet point: holy hell these post partum hormones are kicking my arse. i weep many times a day, feel lost in a sea of emotion, and have to remind myself over and over that this will most definitely pass. at some point. here, have a little whiskey, darling self.]

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