Archive for October, 2007

i am hungry all the time.

today i brought to work: a tupper of homemade broccoli cheese soup (thank you h!), yogurt, and a big chicken breast–also in a tupper. it’s dinner time: chicken time. i open the tupper and voila! that’s not chicken. that is a big root of ginger.


now i am forced to eat a wendy’s sandwich instead…but i have to wait an hour before i can do that.

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week 6.

this morning, we awoke to early morning showers. the house was dark and cozy, and we’d left the windows open last night. and so we snuggled and listened to the rain, before h got the ingenius idea to make pancakes. really, a perfect morning. after pancakes, we napped until noon, when i had to reluctantly get ready for work.

this afternoon, my eyes are sandy with sleepiness, and nausea is a subtle blanket over my belly. it’s not enough to say, “oh i’m so sick. *vomit*”, but it’s enough to sap my energy. of course, this is reassuring…

my whole family officially knows about my pregnancy now. i can’t believe i haven’t written about that before now! basically, my mother (who, if you remember, knew we were trying) is excited and simultaneously confused. when i had the blood scare last week, she called me right away after i left a message and had sweet, reassuring things to say. and then she shared her stories of nausea and cravings while she was pregnant with me. it was a really sweet moment, and i am so grateful that my mom has a bigger heart than theology.

my oldest sister, p, was surprised and happy (and confused too, i’m sure). she immediately offered her tips on keeping morning sickness in check, along with anecdotes about her pregnancy w/ my niece and nephew. i’m still not sure how we’ll tell niece and nephew, or if my sister would rather tell them herself, but i look forward to them knowing about their cousin!

meanwhile, my sister e, who will be the godmother, is excited for us. it’s a little bittersweet when we talk, however. she is 38 and divorced, and is coming to terms with the fact that she has a limited amount of time to get pregnant. all of her sisters now are mothers. she doesn’t say these things out loud, but i hear wistfulness when we talk. she is dating a lovely guy now, so maybe this will lead to fambly? for her, i hope.

anyway. i broke down and called my estranged sister, c. she is veryveryvery conservative–especially in the last couple of years–and when we do talk, she refuses to acknowledge my relationship at all. but i still didn’t want her to hear the news from someone who is not me.

to sum up the conversation: awkward! it took her a good 5 minutes to understand that i can be both a lesbian and pregnant. i started off by saying i was having a baby, but when she didn’t get it–after i explained donor, contracts, etc–i had to say slowly: i.am.pregnant. i.have.a.due.date. with no feeling in her voice, she responded with “well i’m glad you’re happy.” and she told me to take care of the baby. and she promised to accept the baby (whatever that means). i gave her an open door for questions, but i doubt she’ll bring up the topic ever again, at least until sparky is born.

i’m okay with how the conversation went. i feel like i did the right thing by telling c myself. i wonder if she’ll ever even meet sparky, considering i have seen her once in 3 years, and it took a funeral for that to happen.

so i had my first pregnancy dream last night. i was in london with my friend jude, and i tried to buy a pack of cigarettes from a vending machine. instead, i got a big can of rolling tobacco. somehow, i took the tobacco and made it into a lovely pasta, which tasted divine. and i wondered to myself as i chowed down, “i wonder if tobacco pasta is okay for the baby”.

guess who is still missing her smokes?

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a post not about pregnancy.

nicked from i’m a mommy too.

Bold what you have read, italicize those you started but couldn’t finish, and strike through what you couldn’t stand. Add an asterisk to those you’ve read more than once. Underline those on your to-read list. ? for can’t remember if I ever tried to read it or not.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi: a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre

A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad

The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran: a Memoir in Books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian: A Novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault’s Pendulum
The Count of Monte Cristo
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath

The Poisonwood Bible: A Novel
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility ??
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver’s Travels

Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes: A Memoir
The God of Small Things
A People’s History of the United States : 1492-present
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
The Scarlet Letter

Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake: a novel
Collapse : How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road

The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics : a Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an Inquiry into Values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Hobbit
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

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good morning friends. over at my sorely neglected other blog, i wrote an entry about national coming out day, where i outed myself as pregnant for the first time. give it a read if you’re interested.

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4th beta result.

today’s beta is 2132.  doubling time from wednesday =2.16 days.

dr c is fine with it being just over 48 hour doubling time.  it was about 46 hours between tests anyway.

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today, we went to the dr for my first ultrasound. h wore a tshirt that says ‘i love mom’. for all the months of clomid checks and other proddings, we’ve always been in small, ultrasoundless rooms. today, that all changed. pregnancy has graduated me into the baby room. seriously. this vast exam room was filled with hundreds of baby’s pictures, mostly featuring my doctor in various stages of bad hairdos.

dr c walked in, sat down and said, ‘so i hear we’re having a baby!’ and the room was all smiles.

before inserting the lovely dildocam, she advised that because of sparky’s small size, we may not see him/her yet…and not to be freaked out.

however, immediately upon insertion, the sparky sac was clear and evident and the perfect size, right around 6-10mm if i remember correctly. and look, only one! sparky. relief. i don’t know how we’d afford multiple sparkies. and sparky is implanted in just the right spot. thank god. initial worries = alleviated.

i had another beta done today, and i’ll find out the numbers later today, i think. 2nd ultrasound is scheduled for 10.26, which happens to be my 29th birthday.

without further ado, may i present: sparky the sparkplug.sfp2.jpg

fyi, i’m measuring myself at 4wk 5d, based on when i ovulated.  dr c, naturally, is measuring me by my last period: hence 5wk 1 d.  at least we’re only 2 days off, instead a week, right?

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oh nausea…

i’ve never been so happy to experience you.

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you are all so wonderful with your encouragement and reassurance.  i want to buy you all a drink. (adult or virgin is your choice.)

it’s the next day, and i’m still crampy in the uterus vicinity, as well as my lower back.  NO BLOOD this morning, though i had nightmares about it all night.  and i had my first pregnancy meltdown last night…i don’t think h is speaking to me right now.

dr appt is tomorrow at 9 am. i don’t know if she’s going to attempt an ultrasound so early.  if not, i think she wants to see me again at 8 weeks, which is in 3 weeks.

i want to make tshirts that say viva la sparky.

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just got off the phone w/ the nurse.  my hcg levels today are 1125.  doubling time from monday = 1.67 days.

i still have cramping, but no more blood.  dr c says that i am not out of the woods, but that the numbers are perfect.

i’ve been a (resting) wreck all day.  i’ve worried h with my emotions.  i could definitely use some reassurance from you all, friends.

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this morning: blood.

not a lot, but red. and cramping.  it only happened on one trip to the bathroom.  i’ve wiped feverishly since then, and nothing.

i’m awaiting the results of beta #3, which has been called in stat from my doctor.

i am scared.

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