i made a vow to myself that i would find the energy to post today. it felt very important to do so. but i slept the day away after a fitful night previous, and woke up in the evening feeling antsy and weepy, and generally hormonal. so i grabbed the car keys and decided to make what is likely a final trip to a favorite coffee shop by myself before sparky is born. i simply needed some time to be a solitary me before everything changes. and i wanted to spend that solitary time considering what it means to be a mother, a partner–a fambly.
last year, i wrote this in my first contribution to the blogging for lgbt families day:
i am beginning my own family now, which is more than just another branch on a well-established tree. h and i are planting our own tree, firmly rooted in hope and love and an insane bravery to bring a child into such an unstable world. i am eternally grateful for my sister, e, who will be the most intimate connection to my side of the family. h’s mum is already calling herself grandmother.
the coach’s family is waiting in the wings to love our child and support us as parents. what more do we need?
this year, we are living the insane bravery in so much more of a right-in-front-of-us way. i have a fully-formed baby, utterly squashed now in my belly, waiting for the perfect moment to make her grand appearance. and i know that our family has already begun, but the clock is still ticking until i feel like a full-fledged mother, beginning this journey of parenthood with h. i’m growing sparky now, but in hours? days? weeks? we will begin raising her.
last year, beginning our family was a choice and a dream; this year it is an inevitability. the weight of that reality, coupled with the dramatic threshold between now and the not-yet, is clearly contributing to my weepy, antsy disposition. obviously, i am unspeakably grateful for the blessing of getting to be sparky’s family, and as i trace the outline of a familiar nose from her ultrasound photo, i long to pull my little girl close to my chest and never let her go. simultaneously, i am scared shitless of this mantle i have so willingly taken on.
but this is the stuff of every new mother, every new family–not an lgbt issue. and this is the point that has rung so true today, as i’ve read the beautiful essays of other lgbt families. save the extra penis or vagina of one of the parents, our families are remarkably the same as any other. the biggest difference i can point out today is that my already keenly developed mamabear sense is already on high alert to protect my daughter from those who hate my family–who would gladly nullify our validity as family at all because h is not a biological parent.
outwardly, i am hoping that our existence as a freakishly normal family will educate the skeptics and the fearful. inwardly, i roar at every strange stare and curled lip that h and i encounter, walking hand in hand in public with my belly leading the way.
tonight, as i sit in a noisy coffee shop by myself, with a sleeping baby still inside me, i am grateful for the grace of community. thank you so much to dana at mombian for creating this space and opportunity to reflect. as we step into this new world of parenthood, i hope that our insane bravery will be a ripple in the pond of change. all of our sparkies deserve nothing less.
That is gorgeous, and so very true. It is love and worry and hope that connects all families – it has nothing to do with the sex of the parents. It’s unfortunate that not everyone realizes that.
I wish you a feeling of calm and Sparky a feeling of “get me out of here!”
So beautifully written. Thank you.
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what a lovely post, thanks for finding the energy to write it.
heres to trips to coffee shops with tiny small babies for company.
what a beautiful family you will be.
This was lovely. The protective mamabear feeling is just so powerful & INNATE. I can’t wait until Sparky makes her appearance; what a lucky girl to have two loving mamas.
Awesome post lady. Here thinking of you and wishing for the best for your whole beautiful fambly.
I loved this post, and I’m so glad you wrote it. You capture what is tre for families everywhere, and you show how very normal we are as parents. Beautifully done.
Just wanted to say that there are those of us straight-folk growing babies who are grateful for the bravery of men and women in the gay community for planting their trees and making the world a more tolerant and beautiful place.
Love and happiness to you in this amazing time of any-minute-now.
let’s hope that by the time miss sparky is of mamabear age, and is starting her own family ~ with a girl, a boy or as a strong single-mama ~ that those snarly stares and hatefulness directed towards “different” families like hers will just be Old War Stories she tells her kids and grandkids ~ who like children today, cannot imagine life without an ipod.
sending you and h and the little spark lots of love today and always…
I am happy for you. And excited to take part in your story. If only for the lovely internet. Thanks for sharing.
[…] 1, 2010 by ohchicken i took part in the second and third blogging for lgbt families day, with great joy and trepidation. in the former entry, i mused […]
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