Archive for February 21st, 2008

le sigh.

ichat with h:

me: i brought an orange to work, and it’s moldy!
h: did you cry?
me: nearly.

what i forgot to mention: i bought some m&ms to make up for the loss.

[i still crave oranges like nobody’s bidness. i eat them every single day. since december i think. mmmm oranges.]

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sorry for the silence around here. i’ve been faithfully reading all of you, but i’ve been a bit wordless.

i’m having a rough week. i’ve been pretty balanced throughout my pregnancy. i’m still off all my bipolar medication. i’ve not touched the liquor, either. i’ve kept up with my therapy. and i’ve been pretty well at the end of the day. hell, i even bought a house.

but. i haven’t been sleeping well lately. some of it is growing physical discomfort–sitting at work all day makes my tailbone throb to the point of tears–but mostly, i can’t shut my brain off. the manic side of me wakes up at about 3 am every.effing.day. all the worry, all the baggage, all the anxiety whizzes around my head like swarming bees.

the lack of sleep and growing anxiety are catching up with me, i think. this past weekend, i started feeling crappy, like i was fending off a cold or flu. i stayed home from work two days in a row. i slept a lot (thanks benadryl). and though i’m beginning to feel better physically, i am the proverbial basketcase in the emotions department.

i am weepy. so very very weepy. i can’t stop it. i can’t name it either. it’s just there. waterworks. poor, poor h. she worries. she frets. she can’t fix it.

and i’m frustrated. [cue more weepiness.] our beloved pets are driving me crazy. transition is rough for them, naturally, and since we moved in to our new place on saturday, we’ve had both kitty and puppy accidents. mostly on the stained concrete. easy cleanup. no big deal. oh but the cats are hell bent on escaping through open windows, and are already attempting to claw through the screens. and our little shit doxiepoo is working out his anxiety by digging holes in our brand new yard with the brand new sod.

we’re working with the dogs to get them adjusted and comfortable. longer walks, runs through open pastures in our new hood, etc. and the normal me would be able to take this transition in stride. but this crazy, hormonal, anxious me is harboring so much anger toward my dogs! and cats! i don’t want them to snuggle against me in bed. they make me feel claustrophobic.

i am experiencing so much guilt over this. when we decided to adopt our pets, we made a commitment to be responsible for them. i’m not planning to get rid of them or anything. but, as i told h the other day–while weeping and driving–would it kill them to respect our home? our stuff? ha. i know. i am insane. and pregnant. i know i know.

have any of you who have gone down the pregnancy path experienced such weird anxiety?

(i guess i have plenty to discuss with my therapist tomorrow.)

meanwhile, sparky continues to grow. here’s today’s belly shot at 23w4d. new bathroom, new mirror. crappy photo. sorry.


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