so it is day two back in the proverbial saddle, and three hours into the day, i’ve found my numbish function mode place. yesterday was a rough transition. it was surprisingly easy to jump back into job-mode, but my body suffered. it took awhile to square away access to the mom’s room–which, incidentally, is quite nice–and so i was only able to pump twice. consequently, i developed a wondrously painful plugged duct. thankfully, little j was kind enough to work it out for me once i got home.
by the time i did get home, after nearly an hour in rush hour traffic, i nearly melted into a puddle upon snuggling my little girl. she kept a tight grip on me all evening, and did not want me to put her down. when we tried to go to bed at 8:30, she grew uncharacteristically fussy. her belly was bothering her, and so we gave her some gas medicine, and tried an assortment of positions to simply work out whatever was plaguing her belly. four hours later, as i futilely tried to stay awake, h was able to lull our redfaced girl to sleep.
i think that a lot of jude’s fussiness had to do with our separation yesterday. i think it wholly confused her–my absence has never been so much as a thought in her world. and then i wasn’t there. (more appropriately, the boob wasn’t there…) and then i came back. does not compute, i’m guessing.
today, my eyes well up with tears when i think about not being at home, and so i can’t go there. in my head, i feel pretty healthy about all of this, but my body is another story. it simply won’t accept that i am miles away from my baby, and it aches and seizes up and milk leaks from my chest like tears.
as i type this, h and j are at the pediatrician’s office for jude’s 2nd round of shots and eye/ear infection followup. this is h’s first official mama business without me. i’m proud that she has the legal power to speak for our daughter, and i am grateful that she gets to be the one to soothe j’s post-shot tears.
…but i miss my fambly like i haven’t seen them in ages.
god i hope this gets easier.
here is my daily jude photo, sent to me in a chat by h this morning:
ETA: i can’t forget the good! jude has begun to really laugh. there aren’t many things that set her off quite yet–she has quite the discerning sense of humor–but kisses or washcloths on her neck, just below her chin, set her into the throes of glee. there is a split second of haha, and then she begins to bleat like a little lamb. then she screams her happy screams, and dogs 10 miles away begin to howl, as all the glass in our house shatters.
i hope it gets a bit easier with each day, and that jude gets into a wonderful swing of things with h.
i too will be going to work after the babe, to leave my wife at home to care for him or her. i’m sure i’ll have the same range of emotions and i pray it gets easier for you.
hoping it gets easier and am glad the reunion snuggles were so healing for both of you…er, all three of you!
lots of love, and thank h for the daily-judelet-photo!!!
xo,
gypsy
So two things…first, I’m sad to say that it does get easier in some respects. I’m sad to say that because to me, it felt like a desensitization and it was a loss to me somehow. AND I think that longing you feel is a holy one…that longing to be with your girl is a holy thing and it hurts, it does. It does not diminish your love for her when it gets “easier” you will simply trade one kind of grief for another. That too will be “holy” if you give it the attention it demands and I know that you will.
The other thing is this…it’s not just the boob she misses you know…you ARE your body and it is part of the “whole” of you; your smell, your softness, your voice, your eyes, your sweet soul…. It is you she misses, make no mistake. So store that up in your heart because it’s true and it’s alright for that to be true, you know?
Lastly is this…you already knew all of this so smile down at your daughter you wise mama and give thanks to the Creator. How loved you are. : )
I hope things get better, for lil J at least. I know things are going to just keep on being hard. 😦 At least H gets to be there with Jude, I agree that it’s just awful to put such tiny perfect humans in the hands of not-mamas and not-papas.
That’s so cool that your work has a mom’s room! Where do you work?
I’m guessing hearts shatter too. 😉
I felt physical pressure on my chest when I read this. I am so sorry. I wish you could win the lottery and all be home together.
wishing you could all be home together too. hoping it gets easier for you all soon.
i truly understand!
i also have to say that jude is just the PERFECT looking little girl. she is stunning.
Oh my gosh, what a heart breaker she is, just gorgeous. I wish you much patience and strength with this transition. With all that love I know you and your fambly will make it through just fine….
We’re so proud of you all! Going back to work and being away is the hardest and for only your second day, you did GREAT! We’re sorry that little J had some tummy trouble. Hopefully she’ll realize soon that mommy comes home every day and will still be there for her. Hang in there super moms!