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Archive for October 2nd, 2008

survived.

so it is day two back in the proverbial saddle, and three hours into the day, i’ve found my numbish function mode place. yesterday was a rough transition. it was surprisingly easy to jump back into job-mode, but my body suffered. it took awhile to square away access to the mom’s room–which, incidentally, is quite nice–and so i was only able to pump twice. consequently, i developed a wondrously painful plugged duct. thankfully, little j was kind enough to work it out for me once i got home.

by the time i did get home, after nearly an hour in rush hour traffic, i nearly melted into a puddle upon snuggling my little girl. she kept a tight grip on me all evening, and did not want me to put her down. when we tried to go to bed at 8:30, she grew uncharacteristically fussy. her belly was bothering her, and so we gave her some gas medicine, and tried an assortment of positions to simply work out whatever was plaguing her belly. four hours later, as i futilely tried to stay awake, h was able to lull our redfaced girl to sleep.

i think that a lot of jude’s fussiness had to do with our separation yesterday. i think it wholly confused her–my absence has never been so much as a thought in her world. and then i wasn’t there. (more appropriately, the boob wasn’t there…) and then i came back. does not compute, i’m guessing.

today, my eyes well up with tears when i think about not being at home, and so i can’t go there. in my head, i feel pretty healthy about all of this, but my body is another story. it simply won’t accept that i am miles away from my baby, and it aches and seizes up and milk leaks from my chest like tears.

as i type this, h and j are at the pediatrician’s office for jude’s 2nd round of shots and eye/ear infection followup. this is h’s first official mama business without me. i’m proud that she has the legal power to speak for our daughter, and i am grateful that she gets to be the one to soothe j’s post-shot tears.

…but i miss my fambly like i haven’t seen them in ages.

god i hope this gets easier.

here is my daily jude photo, sent to me in a chat by h this morning:

what i'm missing today.

ETA: i can’t forget the good! jude has begun to really laugh. there aren’t many things that set her off quite yet–she has quite the discerning sense of humor–but kisses or washcloths on her neck, just below her chin, set her into the throes of glee. there is a split second of haha, and then she begins to bleat like a little lamb. then she screams her happy screams, and dogs 10 miles away begin to howl, as all the glass in our house shatters.

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