right now, i’m sat at a little coffeeshop in south austin with a steaming cup and a bagel, laptop fired up and ready to be productive. this delicious scene is a whole lot like my life pre-kids, with one exception: it’s all happening at 7am. i have an 8 am appointment with my therapist, which will serve as a check-in as to how i’m managing the fragile balance between being a mother of two and winning the proverbial bread. (how am i doing? pretty ok: it’s hard it’s fine it’s hard it’s necessary it’s hard.)
so yes, my life is decidedly different now that i am a working mother. you couldn’t pick me out of a lineup with all the straight working moms, either, except maybe if you had access to the back-and-forth emails with my lawyer as i secure a hearing for my partner to adopt her own son. because that is the only difference. otherwise, i am tired and wistful and committed and hardworking. just like any other mom. but: i’ve already written about all of this, here.
fyi, it is now 12:15pm. i’m typing in between bites of a quick lunch. at this rate, i will finish my post by friday…
for the past few years, i’ve written both about the uniqueness and the universality of my family. this year, i want to write about something else: my own mom.
here is my intended audience: average conservative christians, who (at best) believe that my family is not necessarily God’s ideal, or (at worst) are pretty sure that i am living a life in active rebellion toward God altogether. they wonder how to be in relationship with someone like me. is this you? great, you’ve come to the right place, because i have an answer for you: be like my mother.
quick stats on my mom:
is 73 years old.
was married for 35 years to my dad before he passed away.
lives in the rustbelt.
leads worship at her pentecostal church.
votes republican.
is a long time trekker.
recently got into dr who, and is totally obsessed.
it took me a long time to come out to my mother. i didn’t do it until i was 25, and when i did–over the phone–i was full of clammy-handed shaky fear that i would be judged. rejected. instead, after the requisite “how did this happen? what did i do wrong?” sorts of questions, she simply told me she loved me. she did not understand, but she loved me.
when i said to her, “what would you have said if so many people you loved told you that the love you and dad had was wrong, sinful, an abomination?”
her reply? “i wouldn’t have cared.”
over the years, i’ve approached her with trepidation with news of a partner, of relocation to live with said partner, of pregnancy–grandchildren! and the dad? not so much a dad as a donor. a donor who is a friend of ours. and no, i’m not involved with him like that. h and i would be moms. how? well, she would adopt our children.
i even said the word “insemination” to my mom, which was awkwardest of all.
i know that my mom does not know exactly what to make of how i’ve gone about creating a family. but her faith in her God is bigger than the constraints of her theology. she trusts that i am being wise with my own soul, and she does not feel responsible for saving it. her God loves unconditionally. she loves me. she loves h. she loves uncle g. and she fiercely loves her grandbabies. any disagreements are kept to herself, because, as she has told me earnestly, many times, “it shouldn’t matter what i think”.
most recently, i called my mom to tell her that h and i are getting married–after eight years together–this summer. in boston. at city hall. before i even let her respond, i said, “i know that you probably have a lot of conflicted feelings about this news, but at the end of the day, i hope you are simply happy for me.” she paused for a moment, presumably looking for the right words to say, and replied, “city hall. how exciting.”
unconditional love.
thank you, mom.
[ahem, finished post at 7:15pm.]
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Hah. I meant to reply to this entry, but I replied to last year’s post. But either way, beautiful as always 🙂
my goosebumps have goosebumps, reading this … it seems i’ve been developing a similar relationship with my mom over the last five years. oh, she doesn’t have to grapple with my sexuality, but … has misty had sex outside of marriage? will she have a child as a single mom? does she seriously think obama is doing a good job? would she vote for a DEMOCRAT?! i wish she would tithe, and go to church every sunday.
i see her at times, holding her tongue, and my heart goes out to her … i know it’s an incredible act of restraint on her part to not push her opinions about things. once in a while, she just needs to tell me what she thinks. and i let her. sometimes we scrap a little.
but mostly she just listens. and smiles (forced and terse, but she is smiling, dammit). and tells me its my life and i have to make my own choices, and reassures me that she will always be my mother, that she will walk through it all with me. and she tells me she’s proud of me. “that’s my girl!” she will say with a big smile.
i told andrew, my healer, that when my dad passes, should he go “first,” my mother will be set free, and my independence and ambition will be her role model … i’ve become in many ways what i think she wishes she had the courage to be, if only she weren’t afraid.
i wish she could be free. i really, really love my mother.
we are lucky, dear annie. xo
beautiful blog
Oh, the parallels… I still haven’t said “insemination” to my mother, and she’s utterly in the dark about most of what preceded IVF in our lives. I think my father still doesn’t know about the donor sperm, so we’ll just let him believe my husband is our children’s genetic ancestor. I got off easy, I know. I don’t have to explain anything. We look like a “typical” family (which is what?), but at some point we’ll need to explain to our child(ren) how they came to be. We owe it to them, and I want them to know that there are lots of ways to make a family.
I’m not far from Boston, and would love to be a witness to your wedding if you want another teary, smiling face in the room cheering you on. I’m sure you have plenty of witnesses already, so never mind… unless you want to build a big crowd.
Happy for you! Happy for your family!
this was beautiful. thank you so much for sharing it with the world.
lei
amazing post. truly.
your mom sounds fabulous. 🙂
What an amazing mother you have Anne. Thanks for sharing this…it made me cry!!!! xoxo
Longtime lurker here. What a wonderful post! My partner and I are going through a lot of the same family questions now that we are starting our family (she’s pregnant, yay!). We are also planning a summer wedding in MA this year, so may I ask about the logistics of doing it in Boston? If you’re at city hall, is there someone standing by to officiate or do you have to arrange that yourself? Thanks so much and good luck to your lovely family.
Beautiful post. I am especially moved by this line “she trusts that i am being wise with my own soul, and she does not feel responsible for saving it.” Thanks for sharing.
loved the post. And let me just say I am uber excited that you gals are tying the knot this summer! yeah!
beautiful post- what a journey you have with your mom and your family to come where you are today. it’s beautiful, and thrilled that for you it has turned out as well. oh – and congrats on finally ‘officially’ tying the knot!
Honestly, one of the most touching pieces I have read. Thanks for sharing.
Delurking to say congrats on your upcoming nuptials and fantastic post!
love this post. one day, perhaps, i will share more about my own tortured and conflicted relationship with my (living) father.
congrats on being married up in our neck of the woods–it’s wonderful up here and we welcome you! yay!
Your mom sounds awfully similar to mine. For a brief period she was staunchly opposed to some things I did (move in with a boyfriend halfway across the country) and I’m sure she said a number of prayers for my soul, but the unconditional love I get from her makes me feel safe to challenge what she believes in. Aren’t we lucky to have moms such as ours? I live in Boston and would love to give you suggestions for things to do in the city should you wish.
Beautiful post, just beautiful……..
Love it. Love you. Love your mum.