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last night, we had a great time at the swim meet. we drove over to the coach’s house to pick up the swimmers, and came home to insem with a little more privacy than before. (usually, the coach sits outside and waits for us to finish before we all play cards.)

i’m fairly certain we’ve started a little early, since i’m still – opk, but the whole experience between h and i was so tender. even with a newly-introduced catheter, it felt the least clinical of all our attempts. we were making love, and making a baby. and we smiled and giggled.

afterward, the coach did come over for a rousing game of canasta. it was a perfect night.

hopefully i’ll get a positive reading tonight or tomorrow morning, and we’ll try again!

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an update.

i am much more sane today. h and i continued our discussion calmly, and i tried very hard to only stand in her shoes, so i could really hear her.

even though we will both be employed when sparky arrives, this next year is an internship for h. she is worried that having a baby during her first semester of teaching special ed will be too much pressure. and she wants to provide as best she can in every way.

of course i understand that.
my body does not, however. and so i’m in constant mind-over-body override mode now. i hope it will get easier.

it just makes this 2ww harder.
i am on day 3 of massive fernage. let me rephrase that: i started testing saliva two days ago. i may have been fertile a day before. i don’t know. i’m still negative opk. but i think my temp dipped today. if i ovulate in the next 24 hours, the sperm will still be viable. i’m still in the game at this point for this month. (feel free to check out my chart. advice or thoughts are always welcome…)

h. is prepared that there is a small chance i will end up pregnant this month. and part of me is chomping at the bit to just try one more time this month, since the coach was planning on coming over tonight. but it wouldn’t be fair to ask that of h., and so i’ve given the coach permission to go about his business as usual.

h and i came to a compromise about the situation, which makes me a little less insanegives me a little more hope. we will try for a summer 2008 baby, as she will have the summer off. that’s fair. it means we can try again starting late july-mid august, depending on my 38ish day cycle. i think i can handle a couple months off. it’s the indefinite that drives me crazy.

the weirdest part about all of this is that my worrying and exasperation may be for nothing. i may be pregnant. i don’t want to hope, but i do.

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last night we insemmed for the first time this cycle. i’m still negative opk, but the ferns were very very plentiful. i’ve never seen so many. i know that the spit test predicts up to 72 hours, so opk should be showing positive later today or tomorrow. i’m crampy. and emotional.

the coach had been withholding since weds–without our asking–just in case my o day came earlier than expected. he gave us over 5 cc’s! we were impressed.

i’d been giddy all day about beginning round two.
h was excited that the coach could come over last night on such short notice.

but as h and i sat outside while the coach “provided”, we got quiet, and i watched worry cross her face. the conversation turns this way as we’re about to actually try: are we really ready for this? our lives will never be our own again. we’ll be giving up so much freedom. but. we’re not getting any younger. we want a family. we have a great donor situation. etc.

when these conversations occur, i get scared. are you sure you want this, i ask h. she says yes, she does. she would be happy (happier?) adopting, but she knows how much i want to give birth. and so she handles the swimmers, even though they gross her out. she puts them inside me, because she loves me. she wants to have a family with me. she gets excited. and then she gets scared about our timing.

perfect timing is having a conversation about timing as you are about to inseminate, and your donor is in the bathroom.

we relaxed afterward, and thought happy, fertile thoughts.
but. the fear that maybe i’m being selfish, not listening to what h is really saying, pervades today.

we are good, honest communicators.
and this is scary territory.

i really think we’ve got amazing timing this month. but what if she’s got more than jitters…and i am pregnant…

the fear will pass.
oh look. i get to leave work early. i get to go home to my love.

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