Archive for the ‘first month’ Category

three weeks.

yesterday, my little jude turned three weeks old. we celebrated by heading into town to notarize and send off various forms for her adoption. we then enjoyed lunch at cafe mundi, a favorite haunt that i really miss biking to.

there are so many stories to tell about my ever-changing child. naturally, there is the aforementioned gift of flatulence. and the other noises she comes up with are equally breathtaking. for being such a cherubic little girl, she can imitate the mean screech of a pterodactyl. and she whinnies! you should hear her my little pony impression. she is good, i tell you. gifted.

we all seem to be finding our rhythm around here, three weeks into life on the outside. i am pumping a bit now, so h can give little j a bottle at night, and let me sleep for a few extra hours. (unless jude is still hungry after a bottle, in which case she usually sleeps four hours after having seconds…) even when i don’t get a break in the night, and jude is up every 2-3 hours, she likes to stay in bed late into the morning. and so the three of us often lounge in bed until after 10, us basking in extra sleep with jude sleepily curled up against my breast.

my blues are settling as well. i haven’t written much about the postpartum blahs because it’s hard to put words to something so intense and present tense. i am not sure i am out of it all, but i can at least say that there were moments during the first two weeks that were very hard. bonding is difficult when you can’t lift your baby on your own, when someone has to bring her to you in order for you to comfort her. bonding is difficult when you are too sore to stand long enough to change a diaper or an outfit. and in those voids of bonding moments, fear of not being a good mother–or not wanting to be a mother at all–set in: the inevitable “what have i done” panic. can i handle being depended on so much, especially when i am so weak? will i ever recognize my life again? etc.

i am slowly regaining a sense of humanness…and will even more so once i am healed and no longer bleeding. the panic subsides when i pick up my daughter all by myself and stifle her cries by laying her on my chest. and when there continue to be moments of temporary paralysis when contemplating just how permanent parenthood is, i find this face staring at me:

my old soul little girl.

and i melt into a gooey mess of a grateful mom.

happy three weeks in the world, my little judelet.
mama's eye view.

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it’s a sunny sunday evening here in the bedroom. my eyelids are heavy, but i’ve got a baby to feed in a bit, so i will stay awake by updating.

first of all, wow. we are floored by the amazing support of people around the world caring about the beginning of our little fambly. we have been flooded with wellwishes from wonderful strangers, and we feel so loved and supported. i know that i was carried by the kindness and hope and prayers of all of you. thank you thank you. the internet is such an amazing place sometimes…

our darling jude is emerging from the haze of being born, and every moment, a new wave of intense love crashes over my squishy little heart. i kiss her eyes and nose and baby lips, and i stare. how on earth did this person come through my body into the world? she is such a force of nature, and i cannot wrap my brain around the fact that a sperm and egg, meeting by way of a syringe, came together and created her. wonders never cease.

…i think that the world hasn’t collapsed into utter chaos for no other reason than the wonder overtaking new parents upon the birth of their babies every day.

so our judebug is blinking her blue eyes back at us with something like recognition now. and she snuggles close against my belly, skin to skin, every time i feed her.

my milk came in last night, and she fed constantly all.night.long. it was a rough night. poor h has to be awake with me as i feed the baby, because i still can’t sit on my ass, and have to nurse lying down. h handles the burping, the mid-feed shitsplosions, the fun of helping me flip over to switch breasts. along with the joy of nearly engorged breasts, the swelling around my many stitches disappeared last night, leaving me fully feeling the aftermath of jude’s fast birth for the first time. sitting down to pee was a nightmare that left me in cold sweats, and stupid ibuprofen sucked ass.

oh, but morning finally came, and jude was milk drunk and content. i caved and took half a hydrocodone, and order was restored with my ability to rest and heal.

midwife michele came over to check jude’s progress as a newborn, and the report was mostly great.
at 2 days old, jude had lost 6 oz, and at 4 days, she’s gained back 2 oz. considering my milk just came in last night, we are very pleased with this. her jaundice is not bad, and is already clearing up. she’s got great transitional poo, and clear urine. h has been sunning her twice a day out in the yard, which is helping things along greatly. also, i’m healing well, despite the pain last night. my stitches are dissolving, and my uterus is just where it should be. [now, if i could just poo…that’s another story.]

there are so many stories to tell, and my afterbirth story is one of them, but it’s time to give my girl the boob.

i leave you with this milestone: a few moments ago, i enjoyed my first postpartum whiskey. a half shot of bushmills over ice. after 10 months without my favorite libation, i nearly swooned at the perfect sting on my tongue. joy complete.

OH! and the feared postpartum sagging belly lying next to me in bed has not happened. i’ve clearly got no sixpack, but my muscles are strong, and my skin has begun to snap back already. my belly actually looks better (to me at least) than it did before i got pregnant. or maybe i have a faulty memory. in any case, i am grateful!

after reading this meandering post, i reward you with what you came here for:

dr evil hatches a plan.
doctor evil, much?

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