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Archive for November, 2010

Haiku

Saturday. Sweatpants.
Eating Reese’s cups.
Fucking period.

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grumble.

these cramps are intense, y’all. the prescription pain relief kind. i waited all day to take it too, till i knew the baby would not be on the boob for several hours. even though i know it’s not going to hurt zig, i still feel kind of like a bad mom to nurse him with an opiate in my system, even if it is a small dose, and a rare occurrence altogether. h was kind enough to slather me with tiger balm just now, and so i lie in wait, smelling of a whole lot of wintergreen, hoping the relief kicks in soon. i may or may not be sipping some black bush in the meantime.

on account of the sudden menstruality taking over my just-got-un-pregnant self, i was off today. i felt out of step with both kids. ziggy was having a binge kind of day, which means he eats until he has no more room, and then he pukes. a lot. all over me, all over h, all over the clean sheets. when he wasn’t eating and puking, he was sleeping and growing. i feel like i didn’t really see him much today. he was just an adorable lump on my lap.

meanwhile, jude was in needy, regressive mode all day, beginning with good morning! she was very adamant about wanting to “drink milk from mommy’s boobies, not from a cup,” and though she didn’t throw a fit when we once again had the conversation of “mommy’s milk is for babies, not big kids, and lucky you! you’re a big kid,” she was visibly disappointed and a little deflated when she realized she really wasn’t going to get to nurse today. (she hasn’t nursed at all since april.) she compensated by pretending a sippy cup was a bottle of milk, and asking to be cradled and fed like a baby. and so i held her like i do her brother, and i intermittently burped her. incidentally, jude has the most convincing fake belch.

she knew i was off my game, it seems, and she pushed a lot of boundaries. we ended the evening with two time outs: one for screaming at the dinner table when she couldn’t watch shaun the sheep, and one for headbutting me in the chin while she was on my lap. for the latter time out, she slapped me as i set her in her spot, and then proceeded to spit. these lovely behaviors led to (another) conversation about using words instead of lashing out. and for the first time, she announced loudly that she was BUSTATED! (ahem, frustrated.) we praised her for communicating with such articulation, which caused her much more bustation, as it was our incessant talking that bustated her in the first place. so she growled and hid her face in her hands. baby steps. for all of us.

my lower back and general uterine vicinity appear to be exhaling now, and so i am signing off for the evening. night night, friends. can you believe that i have not missed a blogday (yet)? hooray self.

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WTF

Period? Now? No. Nonono.

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whole.

today we took a fambly walk, our first since becoming four. jude pulled her (too small for her long legs) stroller from the closet and hopped in, immediately requesting a cereal bar for company. i struggled to smoosh ziggy snugly into the ergo–with great success btw–and off we went, together.

we ambled toward our little neighborhood park as the sun cast long november shadows. i noticed that, while wearing zig in the ergo, my shadow profile makes me look pregnant. heh.

the last time i went to this particular playground with jude was in late august, when i took most of the photos featured in this post. she’d become pretty brave with all the equipment, but was still a little wobbly, and definitely needed a spotter. today, however, she showed me how she has mastered the place. beaming, she scaled the rock wall, climbed the silly stairs, and confidently slid down every slide, landing on her feet every time. she hung from every hang-able place, and she pretended to make dinner out of all the pebbles, the same pebbles she ate in real life this time last year.

all the while, ziggy slept soundly against my belly, only stirring when i loudly cheered for his sister.

i giggled a lot when jude exclaimed “mama turn!” after completing any playground feat. poor h had to climb all over this pintsized playground over and over, and she did it with enthusiasm, even as she smacked her back on random doorways that are three feet high. jude praised h every time she slid down the narrow slide, and when they had a slide race, it was an honest to goodness tie.

as we walked home together, the sun sank low and our world was golden. the texas air has finally given in to fall there was a nip in the air. h delighted in the fact that her nose was cold, zig snuggled in closer to me, and jude was simply happy to not be hot. all the roosters in our neighborhood crowed as we passed.

mio was waiting for us at the end of our street. as we rounded the corner, he bounded toward the stroller, and even rode on jude’s lap for approximately 14 seconds, after which he led the charge all the way down the block to our house.

oh happy day.

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tenuous.

the boy is (tentatively) sleeping on his mat of overstimulation (it worked!), the girls are at the tire store, and i have my fingers crossed. maybemaybemaybe i’ll have a chance to write something here, instead of posting adorable photos and videos.

after a week of abundant joy about zig’s blessing, and exhilaration about the “cold” snap in the weather here, i’m sinking a bit. i’ve experienced a lot of insomnia lately, even on the nights when ziggy sleeps for 6 hours straight. and when i do sleep, i’ve had a lot of nightmares. a gun to my head and the knowledge that i am most definitely about to die. unspeakable violence. and always the most harrowing for me in dreamlife: imminent tornadoes. the other day, i woke up panicky. h&j were about to head out on some errands, and ziggy and i tagged along only because i didn’t want to be alone.

even now, as i sit here in a peaceful house–sun shining, baby sleeping, wind chimes chiming–tears sit on my eyes. maybe this is grief. yeah. maybe i am grieving the absence of marlei, after having her in my home for just over 24 hours this weekend. i miss her so. we are soul friends: we sit in the presence of each other with souls exposed, without fear of judgment. this weekend, she sat on my bed as the sun was setting through the window. we talked. we exhaled. we stared at my son, her godson, together in silence. we marveled: who could have foretold, eight years ago, that we’d be here now, for better or worse? “i wish i could go back in time and tell the annie of eight years ago that she was going to end up here, and that it would all end up okay,” she told me through happy tears.

at 6am the next morning, i dropped her off at the airport, and she went back to her own life–the one i wish i could participate in every day.

maybe the tenuous balance of being a “whole” family while dividing and conquering is taking its toll today too. i know that we will not be two parents with one toddler and one baby forever; soon we will simply have two kids. right now, however, a lot of times it makes sense for one of us to go out and take on the day with toddler in tow, while the other stays put with the baby. and since ziggy is breastfed, and is usually breastfeeding, i am the one who stays home. sure, we go out as a family more and more often, but it remains simpler to divide and conquer.

h and i do our best to trade off with the kids, though. i pump so she can wholly take care of ziggy. and i make sure that jude and i have our own time together every day.

take for instance now: i took a 3 hour break from blogging, as the boy woke up and demanded the boob once more. h soon came home carrying a sacked out jude over her shoulder. as jude enjoyed a proper nap, ziggy enjoyed some proper naked time on the bed with windows open. he lay between h and me, and we spent a long time just cooing over our perfect little son. it was the kind of altogether-ness that i crave today.

when jude woke up, i took her out to the yard to play, while h caught up on laundry-folding with zig. and then we reconvened at dinner time, watched a little shaun the sheep together, and taking turns coaxing jude to eat her spanakopita.

color my heart cheered. the tenuous balance has been restored.

that’s all i gots today, friends. here, have another video, taken this afternoon when jude and i were playing in the yard. it actually features our sorely neglected dogs, as well as the plucky mio cat.

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jude + mio = lub.

oh jude. jude loves her mio kitten in not necessarily the gentlest of ways. we attempt to instill good kitty-holding etiquette, but every other day she gets a swat or a bite after the poor cat’s patience has run out. but still. mio LOVES his jude. in the house, he pesters her as she plays with her trains, he knocks over her block towers (this is encouraged), and he chases her back and forth throughout the house, over and over. he is her original little brother.

here are a few of their moments captured today. [note: we tried ever so hard to keep him as an indoor kitty, but to no avail. he protested by pissing on the couch every day, and even attempted to piss on the baby once. now that we let him come and go, he is a rather peaceable guy, with no passive aggressive messages written in urine.]



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oh you guys.

this weekend was so very delightful and full of the biggest emotions. the stories therein are easy fodder for the next week, but i’ll have to keep you waiting a bit. today was a greyish day of decompression. energy-thieving nightmares and the need to not be alone. a veil between me and the rest of the world. that veil is lifting, but i’m so so exhausted, so once again, i leave you with a few pics. one of today’s bright spots is my new iphone 4, and i got to spend a bit of time playing this evening. (and facetiming with my lovely christine was a favorite moment of the day, up there with dancing with my little girl and kissing behind the ears of my little boy.)

the boy.

the girl and her kitty, caught by the flash.

mama and son.

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Watched.

Ziggy and his great grandmother, Donna the great. I could watch him all day, she says. And so we did.

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Godmama

My world is complete with my beloved Marlei in my home, loving my little boy and calling him prince Isaac.

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Friday.

It’s late Friday night, after a long day of shopping and cleaning. I am bone weary. Tomorrow is z’s christening. My beloved Marlei, his godmother, is in town from Nashville for the occasion. There are no words to describe the joy and peace in my home with her here.

Posting will be light and of the visual variety this weekend.

Like now. This is the current view in my room. Night night.

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