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Archive for November 17th, 2010

tenuous.

the boy is (tentatively) sleeping on his mat of overstimulation (it worked!), the girls are at the tire store, and i have my fingers crossed. maybemaybemaybe i’ll have a chance to write something here, instead of posting adorable photos and videos.

after a week of abundant joy about zig’s blessing, and exhilaration about the “cold” snap in the weather here, i’m sinking a bit. i’ve experienced a lot of insomnia lately, even on the nights when ziggy sleeps for 6 hours straight. and when i do sleep, i’ve had a lot of nightmares. a gun to my head and the knowledge that i am most definitely about to die. unspeakable violence. and always the most harrowing for me in dreamlife: imminent tornadoes. the other day, i woke up panicky. h&j were about to head out on some errands, and ziggy and i tagged along only because i didn’t want to be alone.

even now, as i sit here in a peaceful house–sun shining, baby sleeping, wind chimes chiming–tears sit on my eyes. maybe this is grief. yeah. maybe i am grieving the absence of marlei, after having her in my home for just over 24 hours this weekend. i miss her so. we are soul friends: we sit in the presence of each other with souls exposed, without fear of judgment. this weekend, she sat on my bed as the sun was setting through the window. we talked. we exhaled. we stared at my son, her godson, together in silence. we marveled: who could have foretold, eight years ago, that we’d be here now, for better or worse? “i wish i could go back in time and tell the annie of eight years ago that she was going to end up here, and that it would all end up okay,” she told me through happy tears.

at 6am the next morning, i dropped her off at the airport, and she went back to her own life–the one i wish i could participate in every day.

maybe the tenuous balance of being a “whole” family while dividing and conquering is taking its toll today too. i know that we will not be two parents with one toddler and one baby forever; soon we will simply have two kids. right now, however, a lot of times it makes sense for one of us to go out and take on the day with toddler in tow, while the other stays put with the baby. and since ziggy is breastfed, and is usually breastfeeding, i am the one who stays home. sure, we go out as a family more and more often, but it remains simpler to divide and conquer.

h and i do our best to trade off with the kids, though. i pump so she can wholly take care of ziggy. and i make sure that jude and i have our own time together every day.

take for instance now: i took a 3 hour break from blogging, as the boy woke up and demanded the boob once more. h soon came home carrying a sacked out jude over her shoulder. as jude enjoyed a proper nap, ziggy enjoyed some proper naked time on the bed with windows open. he lay between h and me, and we spent a long time just cooing over our perfect little son. it was the kind of altogether-ness that i crave today.

when jude woke up, i took her out to the yard to play, while h caught up on laundry-folding with zig. and then we reconvened at dinner time, watched a little shaun the sheep together, and taking turns coaxing jude to eat her spanakopita.

color my heart cheered. the tenuous balance has been restored.

that’s all i gots today, friends. here, have another video, taken this afternoon when jude and i were playing in the yard. it actually features our sorely neglected dogs, as well as the plucky mio cat.

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