Archive for September 20th, 2010

up down up. -edited

contractions have definitely gone up a notch today…when they’re actually present, that is. my midwife gave me the option to do bootcamp if i choose, or to simply let my body do its thing on its own and see what happens. we chose option two. we spent the morning walking: around the neighborhood, at the grocery store (and liquor store –i preemptively bought myself a bottle of blackbush for inspiration and post-birth celebration), and at the playground, where i also hung from monkey bars. the contractions burned and ached all over and came about 4 mins apart when standing and 8 mins apart while sitting. but then they went away. and i napped for a couple hours.

oh, but here’s one. standby…

annnnd back (about a minute later.) meanwhile, h and j are on a playdate, leaving me to my own devices, which were going to look a lot like long overdue photo editing, operating system updates, etc. instead, i got emotionally derailed by a phonecall about my maternity leave. i won’t bother you with the sordid details, but here is the basic story: i started leave on 8/2, due to prelabor contractions that necessitated bedrest. my short term disability pay was meant to kick in 8/9. i’m still waiting on a check. i’ve been given the runaround by the absence mgmt company my employer uses to pay out disability. the reason they give for pending the claim is that this pregnancy complication should have moved me from midwife to dr care–an arbitrary policy not stated anywhere, and not really even an actual policy. so, my midwife had to fax over my records to the perinatalogist who has monitored zig’s kidneys, asking for a signature that would push through the claim approval. my midwife told me it was done. the drs office told me it was not done, b/c the dr had nothing to do with the bedrest decision.

so, everything remains in limbo. and i’m too overwrought to be the fucking mediator at the moment to get something accomplished. the dr has no idea what this is about. my midwife is pissed that the absence mgmt company is pushing back and “refuses to negotiate with them” (whatever the fuck that means). meanwhile, the absence mgmt company is holding over a month’s worth of my pay, with no sign of releasing it any time soon. i hate that i’m the only one who can fix this clusterfuck.

here’s hoping my purely emotional reaction to this mess means that i’m about to give birth VERY soon. because i’m over this nauseating up, down, up of my hormonal/emotional state. i very consciously feel myself swing from peaceful euphoria (hello oxytocin?) to utter despair and fear on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. the good has been oh, so very good. indelible memories of bonding with my family, joyful nesting, delicious food, etc. but the bad? total angstville. crying jags, rage, panic.

it’s safe to say i’ve officially arrived at the “i’m done” portion of this pregnancy. i’m over the holding pattern, the endless “is he here yet?” questions, the inability to find a comfortable position to sleep. done done done.

and now, i’m going to go stare at my beautiful bottle of blackbush for a little while.

ETA: angsty “he can’t stay in there forever” belly shot. please tell me he looks like he’s dropped. please?

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just a super quick post to let you all know that we’re still hanging out in pregnantland. zig’s definitely lower (yay), and when contractions get going, they’re way more intense than before…so much so, that at least once a day, i think this is it! and then they fizzle out and i say harumph. and then i scrub something. like the kitchen. or the walls of our entryway, where dogs like to lie with their dirty selves. basically, i’ve spent the weekend scrubbing all the places i feel likely to squat during labor, so i won’t notice dirt or funk in a critical moment. instead, i’ll smell lavender and baking soda.

and i’ve walked a lot. eaten some spicy food. thought about having the sexy time, but have fallen asleep instead. and i’ve snuggled my little girl a lot.

having a contraction now, actually.

going to check in with the midwife a little later this morning to see if a tincture/pumping sort of bootcamp is on the books today. god i hope so. i want to do something that at least gives me the illusion of pushing things along, you know?

over and out.

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