Archive for March 31st, 2010


i got news yesterday that an old friend lost her baby. her son. full term. all i know is that she went into labor, and he was pronounced dead after delivery. her first child.

my friend and i are not close anymore. we grew apart in our 20s after an intense, high-school-best-friend- youth-group-christians-against-the-world kind of friendship. as far as i know, she still lives in that world. we occasionally say hi on each other’s facebook walls. i gave her tips for morning sickness.

my heart aches overwhelmingly for her. i remember us at 16. this kind of tragedy never registered on our radar. it was impossible. God would protect us from suffering this big. i think of her as a mother. a mother with empty arms. her milk will come in soon. oh god. how will she survive this?

i’ve been so very weepy and afraid since hearing the news. i wrap my arms around my growing belly, and focus focus focus on feeling the swishy somersaults of my zig. i bury my nose in my daughter’s hair and inhale her sweaty, shampooish aliveness. my mama bear heart tries to send a force field of protection around my children. please live, i pray. i couldn’t bear to lose either one of you.

this is such a selfish reaction, but a true one.

i want to turn my own fear and grief into care for my friend, whatever that can look like after years of estrangement. my teenage self wants to hurry to her side, hold her hand, and pray with all the faith i once had, until relief comes.

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