Archive for November 3rd, 2009


so here i am, typing some words. wow. why is it that i endlessly berate myself for not making more time to string together sentences, when it is my joy? i suppose the truth lies somewhere in the land of self-sabotage, perfectionism, and mamahood-induced shifting priorities. in any case, here i am, though read the following at your own risk.

i am a cranky pants today (cd4!). i’m sure it has something to do with the fact that i had a clomid check this morning. [read: dr longbraid’s hands all up in my ovaries, as i am still menstruating.] and i also know that i am currently prozac-free, which means my anxiety levels are higher than normal, and i am tired, and my coping strategies involve more energy than i have to dispense today. thus, cranky pants. or, more appropriately, uber-self-critical pants. this morning was a body-loathing day rivaling that of my high school, eating disorder glory. every undesirable bump and roll felt like claustrophobia. i’m not a cutter or a hitter, but i totally understand why people do it. i hid my shame under a black hoodie, instead, and let the diarrhea of an inner monologue splash all over the living room as i tied my shoes. h, holding j, could only say she was sorry i felt so miserable, and as jude looked at me quizzically, i shut myself the fuck up already. i don’t want my daughter to internalize this shit. she’ll likely fight her own battles someday. i don’t want to prematurely arm her with such self-loathing.

i coped with my anxiety in a variety of ways today. i smoked a cigarette, which i never do anymore. i took a klonopin. i tucked in to my workload. i apologized to h for making her hear my vitriol this morning. in other words, i won some, i lost some. it’s evening now, and i’m feeling a little less claustrophobic. small victories, right?

non sequitur: what would you like to know, readers?
about the trip to nashville? about living with an alpha dog and toddler? about maintaining a relationship with a child? my thoughts on breastfeeding a toddler? something else?

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the new monday.

today is my new monday, due to a change in schedule. i made myself scarce on the internets this weekend in order to spend all my time with my fambly. can nablopomo start today?

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