sorry to have pulled the old uterus switcheroo on all of you!
here is an explanation as to why a blastocyst may or may not be implanting in my uterus right about…now:
our discussion about who will carry has continued to go back and forth since the last time i wrote about it. we decided to take turns trying (and not in a way that could lead to us both being simultaneously pregnant). i actually did try in july, but we kept it really quiet. obviously, i didn’t get pregnant. when h’s turn rolled around, timing circumstances prevented an attempt.
meanwhile, my body is doing this weird thing where i have a 15 day, anovulatory cycle, followed by a 28ish day, ovulatory one. this month? tada! picture perfect chart.
underneath this egalitarian approach to conception, however, i’ve struggled. we are ready to expand our family. h does want to try to get pregnant. i want to try to get pregnant. and i think i really want it more. i experience a whole lot of grief when i think about not being the one to carry this time. we have talked about it honestly. and i’ve talked about it with my therapist, trying to get to the bottom of my sadness. here is what i’ve come up with:
i continue to be the working mom in our family. mostly, i am okay with this. i miss being intimately involved in jude’s daily schedule, but i make the absolute most of our time together. i try to protect every minute from distraction. overall, i’m happy with my job, and the balance i have with family life. and yet. i cannot deny how hard it is to be separated from the experience of raising my daughter every day.
if h gets pregnant, i am afraid of the feeling further left out. i will not be able to be intimately involved with the pregnancy. i won’t be able to support h when she is unable to balance a fetus and a toddler. and when the baby comes, i will have two weeks off. i worry about this.
and then there is the simple fact that–despite my kvetching here–i loved being pregnant. my whole body aches to be the one to carry our next child.
am i being selfish? i’d venture a “yes”. but. BUT. despite all of the above, i DO still support h’s desire to carry. however, she continues to waver about it. the reality of pregnancy (especially while also being responsible for a precocious toddler) sobers her curiosity about what it would be like to have a biological child.
so. as of now, we’re trucking along, negotiating possibilities, and maybe i’m pregnant. and, as convoluted as this whole conversation sounds, there is no tension in our household about kid 2.0. we’re on the same page. and as i sit here–lotus, in an office chair on a lunch hour–i feel like remarkably peaceful about the whole process.