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Archive for November 2nd, 2008

learning to be.

so i just remembered that it is an hour earlier than i thought, so that’s a good way to start the day, right?

and after giggling through senator old grandpa on snl (he may be an asshole, but he is definitely a good sport…) i’m sitting down for a moment of writing. hopefully.

…i think the baby is stirring. hrm.

so yeah. yesterday was a wreck of a day. talk of our finances lately has put both h and i into a funk. and yesterday, h was having a really hard time. as i mentioned the other day, i’m having a hard time myself, and so we found ourselves facing a rare day when we were both weak, exhausted, and anxious. neither of us could shoulder the other’s load. and so there was a lot of silence, some tears, and words of frustration coming out all wrong. in the past, we would have just stayed out of each other’s way until the cloud lifted, and then we’d share a bottle of wine and watch britcoms as our reconciliation.

…now, there’s a baby, of course. and so i spent much of yesterday making silly faces through teary eyes. snuggling and making happy sounds when all i wanted to do was be alone. i swallowed anger and self-pity over and over to remain present with my child. my big happy mama faking act seemed to work, too: jude didn’t pick up on my angst and spent most of the day happy and recuperating.

today is a new day. the baby is awake now and smiling at me. h is a happy smiler who was also surprised by the extra hour with which she’s begun her day. today is a do-over, and i faked enough peace for the sake of my child to make it more real today. color me life lessoned.

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