Archive for May, 2008

rockabye baby!

sparky’s aunt jude sent her rockabye baby! lullabye renditions of radiohead all the way from london. (thank you thank you!) and so i’m uploading it to computer, so as to make it all ipod (and icrib) ready. sparky has massive hiccups, but as soon as the glockenspiel version of “no surprises” comes on, she quiets down immediately.

thank you thom yorke.

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today i am exhausted. yesterday, we cashed in our many t.arget gift cards and took advantage of the 10% off what we didn’t get on our registry deal. we ditched the co-sleeper idea for just a regular pack n play/bassinette combo. crib sheets, nursing pads, etc. we even bought a spot bot (which, incidentally, was on the registry)! we also purchased everyday wares such as trash bags and brussels sprouts. and god bless the bullseye store, they gave us the discount on our whole purchase.

continuing in productivity/nesting mode, we visited the s.alvation army for a purchase of old sheets and receiving blankets. and then we came home and began packing bags for our home birth. bag of towels. back of sheets. bag for baby. and post partum bag. all ready to go. we even ordered our birth kit.

bassinette is now assembled. almost all baby clothes are clean and put away. today or tomorrow, h is going to paint our bedroom, and then we will begin project keep birthing area clean, which will be maintained until sparky arrives, at which time, all organization will go to pot.

in the middle of all of this busyness, i promise that i really am taking it easy. i sit and point a lot, perched atop my yoga ball.

5 more days, little spark, and you are safe to come to us. but do take more time if you need it. we don’t mind…

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ha ha, really?

over the breakfast table this morning, we were discussing whether sparky will be a taurus or gemini baby. only, we couldn’t remember the cutoff for taurus. so, we visited freewill astrology and noted that taurus ends may 20. and, um, also of note was today’s taurus horoscope: “…I dare you to push yourself way out of the comfort zone.”

nervous laughter ensued.

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so i lost my mucus plug this morning, and it had bloody show. midwife michele is not concerned about this development, as long as i don’t start having timeable contractions. so far, i’m just a bit crampy, but no discernible change in my sporadic braxton hicks contractions.

i am 35 weeks today. sparky just needs to hold on one more week so she can be born at home. i don’t think she’s coming this week, but it sure is exciting–and sobering!–to realize that she is revving up.

we’ve definitely got some work to do around the house this week!

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that’s the last one i’ll have till sparky is born. her heart tones were a little…excited yesterday. they came down after a few minutes of deep breaths on my part, while lying on my side. but i was scolded for my caffeinated choice, and told not to do it again. sad. i rarely do the cokes, but when i have one, they taste so. good. and caffeine-free coke = ew.

in the good news department, i gained 3 lbs. finally. and sparky is measuring 35 weeks. in a perfect head down position. michele checked me yesterday, and found that i am 1 cm dilated. not much going on with effacement yet. while she was rummaging around my lady parts, she cocked a coy smile and said, “while i’m up here, i might as well see if your baby has hair!” so she poked up into my cervix (as comfortable as it sounds) and announced “not much hair here!”

so. we have a bald baby. very unsurprising!

time for me to nap. an eventful weekend commences this afternoon. my sister has arrived and is putting finishing touches on her big project of the-shower-with-lots-of-pink. she just told me that we will be drinking from real punch glasses. heirloom kind of punch glasses. i think i may need to paint my toenails for this event.

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new haircut.

so i dragged myself out of bed and got my hairs cut. i was in dire need after 4 months. you know, something low maintenance, a style i can ignore completely for sparky’s first couple months of life on the outside.

post haircut and pre midwife appt, i’m sitting at an old haunt called the green muse, putting together music to birth by. all while eating a salami panini with mozzarella and gouda, and a mexican coke. mmmm. i win.

here’s the scene:

new haircut.

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in 10 days, it will be safe for sparky to make her appearance as a home-birthed baby. granted, i am fairly confident she will hold out for another few weeks at least, but still. looking at the ever-shortening countdown to her arrival is…overwhelming.

there is so much that i’ve wanted to write about, to process, but the past couple weeks have found my energy sapped. i think about the things i’m thinking about, consider writing them down, and then promptly fall asleep. it’s hard to believe i’ve been on maternity leave for 4 weeks now. i remember the first week or so pretty well. i did a lot of cleaning. and then i lost my ability to sleep at night. i guess this is practice for what my sleeplife is about to become, but sparky does not let me sleep for more than 4-5 hours at a time at best. my hips burn and ache, and the pain radiates down my legs. tylenol doesn’t do shit for this. i’ve been using rescue sleep spray, which doesn’t help much. and my tolerance for benadryl is simply embarrassing anymore.

i get up with h at 5 every morning, and after seeing her off to school, i try to get some sleep. i fall asleep by 9, and usually wake up about 1. if i am lucky, i will have enough energy to do some dishes or leave the house to run an errand, but mostly i lounge. and then h comes home, we head off to bed ridiculously early, and my turbulent night of hip pain begins again.

so this is why i haven’t been writing, or even remotely processing my feelings about sparky’s imminent birth.

i actually slept not-too-fitfully last night, and so, before i fall asleep again, i want to put some thoughts down. wow, i’m tired.

the other day, we received our copy of the adoption petition from our lawyer. sparky is not yet named on it; she is simply “child to be born june 15”. (petition will be amended once she’s born.) naturally, i am named as the biological mother. and even though it is painfully obvious to anyone with eyes that i am very pregnant, seeing those words on paper was a sobering moment for me.

because i don’t feel like a mother yet. (whatever that is supposed to mean.) even now, as she kicks me vigorously, i’m still in a bit of denial that she is a real person in there. and that she is about to come out. of me. soon. and my life as a solitary individual is over. i am forever a mother. there is no undoing this. i’ve had moments like this all along during my pregnancy. after the initial yayayayayayay when i first saw the double pink lines, a wave of panic washed over me. what did i just do? the moment passed. i’m a procrastinator, after all, and had a good 8 months to put off dealing with thoughts like that.

but here i am now, with a nearly ripe, real baby rolling around inside me. and for the first time, i’m actually considering the hard existential question: can i be a mother and be myself too? will i ever awaken from this zombie state of utter exhaustion and recognize the me i’ve always been?

i know i will learn to adjust. i have always adapted to life-shifts, and kept a sense of who i am in the midst of everything. i’ve just never deliberately chosen something THIS big before, this irreversible. i’ve never brought a new human being into existence before.

when i was 3 or 4, i remember watching the big kids walk to school and thinking, “i’ll never be able to go to kindergarten.” and then i somehow did it. when i was 14, i thought, “i’ll never be able to actually get my drivers license. i’ll never learn how to drive.” and i did it. later, i worried about how i’d go to college, live on my own, etc etc. and the heretofore biggest insurmountable obstacle: i’ll never be able to be openly gay, or be in an actual relationship with a woman. impossible. and yet…

when the time is right for me, i simply push past the paralyzing fear, and do what is needed to be done. at this particular moment in my life, i feel myself on that threshold again. only, this is my ultimate fear: i’ll never be a mother. i’ll never get through childbirth. i’ll never be able to raise an actual child. my daughter is about to prove me wrong again. ready or not, she is coming, unstoppable force that she is. (sometimes, her fiery energy is so strong in my belly, that i nearly step aside and confess that i am just the conduit for her to get here.)

there is so much more emotion and fear and excitement churning around in my brain, but my eyes are heavy. more later. if you have read this far, thank you for bearing with my incoherent ramblings. i had to get out of my own head a bit. maybe i will rest better…

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well huh.

so, for no apparent reason, i’ve got a huge spike in visitors today. not sure what’s bringing y’all here, but if you’d like to delurk, i’m very curious to know who you are!

that’s all. 🙂
oh, and welcome!

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this weekend, my sister e. is throwing us a shower. with party favors and mimosa punch and frilly pink invitations. (it is her way.) so far, 20 people have rsvp’d, and it looks like there will be an interesting mix of people, ranging from h’s mum, the coach and his parents, various friends, and my boss! h’s cousins-that-she-doesn’t-know-well-and-are-from-the-more-estranged-side-o-the-
fambly found out from her mum about the shower, and asked to come. one even emailed her this:

I just heard the wonderful news and I am SO happy for you and your sweetie. I support you two 100% and can’t wait for you to experience the joys of parenthood. A. and I would LOVE to help you guys celebrate by attending your shower if it’s OK with the two of you.

big smiles over here. i am grateful that i get to meet more of h’s family after 5 years together. and i am so excited that h is being celebrated as a new mama at this shower, that it’s not just about me.

so. photos. last month i bought a dress for the shower. i tried it on tonight, and glory be, it still fits. whew.

here i am (drawing a bath, of course), at 34w2d in my lovely tent dress.

shower dress, full frontal.
shower dress, side view.

tomorrow, i’m even getting a haircut! yay!

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zero energy today, but i did manage to take a belly shot as i was running a bath. my belly has really popped in the past two weeks. i didn’t realize how much until i took this photo. and to think, 6 more weeks till she’s due. i’ve lucked out in the stretch mark department thus far, but i think my poor skin is stretched to capacity now. mentally preparing for the purple lines to show up…


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