my apologies for the lack of posts recently. lots of life has come and gone since i last wrote, but mostly i’ve been a very sleepyhead. take today, for instance. it is nearly 1:30 pm, and instead of being knee-deep into my monday shift at work, i am snuggled in my bed, sparky rolling underneath my laptop. i have absolutely zero energy, and i yawn and yawn and fall back to sleep awhile.
however, i do manage to muster enough energy to feel guilty about utilizing any fmla leave i am already approved for. as i lounge in my jammies on a monday afternoon, i think thoughts of laziness and irresponsibility: a more responsible person would suck it up and just go to work. granted, i could work today if it were absolutely necessary. but i have a job-protected out, and i’m so so exhausted, and this third trimester fetus is growing her brain bigger and fattening herself up. and so i sleep because i can. remind me to let up on the guilt, will you? (as midwife michele said on that scary day a few weeks ago: my perspective now needs to shift from being responsible about my joblife to being responsible as a mother.)
anyway. in the middle of all this sleepiness and guilt, we still managed to have our first meeting with our adoption lawyer last week. i confess that the whole conversation was surreal to me, as we discussed very scary topics like my death, the demise of h’s and my relationship, the coach demanding custody/rights, etc. this conversation is necessary, of course, and our lawyer is fantastic with the protections. before we hired her, i sleuthed around the internet for as much info as i could gather about her. as it turns out, she is a lgbt adoption rights pioneer, who also happens to be very influential in texas state government. she is the go-to voice of reason every time gay rights make their way to the news. she is quite the formidable force here.
and. her fee for the adoption and wills is reasonable, most of which she puts toward hiring gay rights lobbyists.
also, did i mention that she is a member of the fambly herself? and that she and her partner have two adopted children of their own?
as everything stands now, the adoption should be finalized before the end of the year. now, to birth the child…
sparky is growing so…big. her kicks are felt top bottom left right simultaneously now. i feel her as one body contained the balloon of my uterus, instead of a constant whack-a-mole guessing game sensation. and the bigger she gets, the more real her impending birth is…in a holy shit kind of way. in a “there’s really only two ways for her to exit my body” kind of way. cue the fear. and the humility. and the exhalation of panic: we can do this.
and now the fattening fetus is hungry. for more peanut butter, i suspect…