our christmas was quiet this year. other than a brief visit to tiny texas on saturday, we stayed put, and had a lovely christmas lunch at home with our friend t. i was only mildly nauseated by eating that day. a gift. i slept a lot over my long weekend, and hoped for enough energy to put in 3 days of work this week.
alas, not to be. a switch went off in me on christmas evening, and the blues settled in. i can’t pinpoint a reason, but i know it has a lot to do with missing my family, hating the awkwardness that comes with talking to the family members who don’t approve of my life choices, and being so tired of feeling like shit all the time.
i am bipolar (II) and off all my meds right now. i’ve done remarkably well throughout my pregnancy thus far, and the mission given to me by my therapist is to keep aware of the difference between pregnancy hormonal moodiness/depression/etc, and the bipolar depression/anxiety/etc. what i am experiencing now is definitely hormonal. i know that there are shifts as sparky is beginning to make her own hormones. and i know that holidays bring on the blues, even for the stablest of brain chemistry. however, i am basically undone by this wall of sadness and anxiety. my workday yesterday was hell. i deal with angry people on a regular basis, and i usually have enough energy to deflect the anger and fake compassion. yesterday, i cried between calls all day. i’ve never hated my job so much.
today, i am spent. h is out of town for the day. anything having to do with pet bodily fluids has been delegated to her until further notice, as any and all of it makes me literally gag. this morning, of course, one of the pets vomited in the livingroom. i had to clean it up. and afterward, i heaved and heaved until my belly and jaw ached. and then came the tears. i can’t stop with the crying. i took a day off. fmla approved, thankfully, but i feel guilty. what the fuck is wrong with me?
ANYWAY. lest this post turn into a colossal wah-fest, let me share moments of pure joy.
my mother sent a christmas card addressed to ‘anne, h, and baby’ last week. she also sent a wrapped package addressed to ‘baby’. though we’d decided to wait until christmas to open it, my mother told me over the phone that she couldn’t wait that long, and we had to open it. she gave us a beautiful fleecy blanket with little baby feets on it. it’s a wonder to know she is excited about sparky’s arrival.
on christmas night, the coach stopped by with presents from his parents. one gift was for sparky. a beautiful book of nursery rhymes with the inscription, “never has a child been so loved before arrival. with love, granma and granpa t”.
wow. sparky’s first book. sparky’s first blanket.
as for the sparkster, she continues to grow and i can feel tiny movements at night sometimes. i’m looking forward to hearing the heartbeat in a week, and hopefully have the bits-identifying ultrasound soon after…
Oh, ohchicken. I’m so sorry that you feel so blue and that your job was so hard yesterday. And I’m so glad that so many people are expressing their love for that baby you’re working so hard to build.
Sorry to hear of the yucky stuff but so excited about the new presents for Sparky 🙂
Sorry about the depression. You’re doing a great job of being aware and careful.
[I’m also bipolar II and couldn’t even make it through the TTC process unmedicated. I wish I could have, but it wasn’t to be.]
So glad that the spark’s already loved by so many people. What an exciting time.
Sorry you are feeling yucky! It’s a weird time of year. That’s awesome you are feeling little wriggles at night. Feeling the baby moving was fantastic, for me. It gave me so much reassurance. Happy New Year!
I’m 17 weeks pregnant and visit your blog quite often to check in!
I’m feeling emotionally shitty too. Many times I can’t even pinpoint what’s doing it and yesterday I started bawling after someone took my parking spot at Target!
Hopefully, those hormones will stay at bay and let us enjoy the happiness that our babies are starting to bring us!
Shawna
oh, sweetie, i’m sorry you are having a hard time. hugs and comfort.
a.
If anyone can relate to that ‘awkwardness that comes with talking to family members that don’t approve of my lifestyle choices’ – it’s ME! F-U-N … I know. I get SO sick of it as well. I am so sorry you are feeling so blue. Lean on your girl, supportive family and friends, and realize that is is OKAY to feel down sometimes. You’ll get through these emotions – I promise! Remember that you have something so amazing going on in your life right now!!! I think it is so wonderful that your mom sent you that card addressed like that. So sweet. Small stuff like that makes a huge difference. It’s the little things, I think. Awesome that you are feeling sparky move around a bit at night. I can really notice your belly getting bigger! Big change from the last pic 🙂 Wishing you and H a VERY Happy New Year!!!
Blah. I’m glad you know the difference between hormonal and bi-polar sadness. This morning I was crying because I hadn’t watered my friend’s plants earlier in the week while she’s on vacation. My mom and my honey just rolled their eyes at me. Little things feel bigger when you’ve got a little thing growing inside you.
So sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. Hopefully the holiday blues lift soon and the hormones balance out. This pregnancy stuff is NOT easy!
Hugs to you! Being pregnant and off your meds is a hard combo to tackle you it seems liked you are doing an amazing job with it!
Hugs! Sorry I am a bit late on the uptake. But the sentiment is still there. I am so happy that Sparky (and you) are surrounded by people and that you are able to tell apart the holiday blues, and the hormonal blues, and the bi-polar blues. I wish you the best with everything, as always, and a smile to come your way.
sorry for the blues, happy for baby movements – i missed those so much after piggy was born and can’t wait to feel them again this time. you are amazing for coping without meds and christmas time without the full support of family is just rotten. you little belly is growing so lovely!!
so glad sparky is so loved!