Archive for December 27th, 2007

our christmas was quiet this year. other than a brief visit to tiny texas on saturday, we stayed put, and had a lovely christmas lunch at home with our friend t. i was only mildly nauseated by eating that day. a gift. i slept a lot over my long weekend, and hoped for enough energy to put in 3 days of work this week.

alas, not to be. a switch went off in me on christmas evening, and the blues settled in. i can’t pinpoint a reason, but i know it has a lot to do with missing my family, hating the awkwardness that comes with talking to the family members who don’t approve of my life choices, and being so tired of feeling like shit all the time.

i am bipolar (II) and off all my meds right now. i’ve done remarkably well throughout my pregnancy thus far, and the mission given to me by my therapist is to keep aware of the difference between pregnancy hormonal moodiness/depression/etc, and the bipolar depression/anxiety/etc. what i am experiencing now is definitely hormonal. i know that there are shifts as sparky is beginning to make her own hormones. and i know that holidays bring on the blues, even for the stablest of brain chemistry. however, i am basically undone by this wall of sadness and anxiety. my workday yesterday was hell. i deal with angry people on a regular basis, and i usually have enough energy to deflect the anger and fake compassion. yesterday, i cried between calls all day. i’ve never hated my job so much.

today, i am spent. h is out of town for the day. anything having to do with pet bodily fluids has been delegated to her until further notice, as any and all of it makes me literally gag. this morning, of course, one of the pets vomited in the livingroom. i had to clean it up. and afterward, i heaved and heaved until my belly and jaw ached. and then came the tears. i can’t stop with the crying. i took a day off. fmla approved, thankfully, but i feel guilty. what the fuck is wrong with me?

ANYWAY. lest this post turn into a colossal wah-fest, let me share moments of pure joy.

my mother sent a christmas card addressed to ‘anne, h, and baby’ last week. she also sent a wrapped package addressed to ‘baby’. though we’d decided to wait until christmas to open it, my mother told me over the phone that she couldn’t wait that long, and we had to open it. she gave us a beautiful fleecy blanket with little baby feets on it. it’s a wonder to know she is excited about sparky’s arrival.

on christmas night, the coach stopped by with presents from his parents. one gift was for sparky. a beautiful book of nursery rhymes with the inscription, “never has a child been so loved before arrival. with love, granma and granpa t”.

wow. sparky’s first book. sparky’s first blanket.

as for the sparkster, she continues to grow and i can feel tiny movements at night sometimes. i’m looking forward to hearing the heartbeat in a week, and hopefully have the bits-identifying ultrasound soon after…

here is a belly shot taken last night at 15w3d:

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