it’s the end of another nauseated day here in austin, texass. i worked a full day yesterday, and was consequently nothing but a useless lump all day today. and so i spent another day in bed. it’s hard not to feel defeated. luckily, i’m too exhausted to feel defeated. so i win. i guess.
tomorrow is our next appointment with midwife michele. yesterday, i went to dr c’s office to sign the medical records release form, and ms no social skills receptionist who clearly does not like me since i’m leaving the fold told me they’d “probably” be able to fax them before my appt. are you kidding me? my bets are on no records being in michele’s hands tomorrow. what say you?
we get to hear the heartbeat tomorrow. i can’t articulate how excited i am to hear sparky for the first time. and i don’t think i can articulate just how scared i am that we won’t hear a heartbeat, that something will have gone wrong. even though i’m growing. even though i’m so effing sick. i’ve tried to temper my fear with a whole lot of hope, but i’m so afraid.
maybe, after hearing that strong, fast heartbeat, i will feel relief, and more confidence that i will actually be giving birth in six months. i could use a little relief.