once again, i’ve been completely remiss in my entries, and once again it’s because there is not a lot to say.
i am exhausted. many nightmares and daymares lately of sparky being dead. i’ve had no signs of miscarriage, and i’ll get to the nausea in a moment, but this fear of losing sparky now overcomes me when i least expect it. and then other times i am calm. calm and sure. i need to hear the heartbeat. how did pregnant mothers survive the fear for so many millenia? my guess: they didn’t figure out they were pregnant till they felt the baby move.
anyway. nausea. the z.ofr.an has been a rather unreliable godsend. evening has brought relief recently, and i’m so grateful for it. on sunday night, we had dinner at our friend chris’ house. he made a delectable vegetarian spread that he hoped sparky and i would be able to successfully eat: sticky rice, chinese pancake (much like na’an), chinese broccoli in sesame oil, and a curry tofu dish with homegrown basil. oh.my.god. the smells were intoxicating. i was teary-eyed with thankfulness and joy. and everything tasted splendid. no sickness afterward. it was my first successful–ie satisfying–meal since my indian meal on 11/6.
however wonderful the evening relief, my days are still physically and emotionally trying. i’m weak and tired and nauseous. and the wonderdrug may alleviate some of that, but not much. i miss myself. i am really hoping that’s a light i see at the end of this tunnel.
so tomorrow is thanksgiving. i only have the holiday itself off, so there is no real travel for me. we are taking a day trip to tiny, tx to have thanksgiving with h’s mum. at first, it was going to be an intimate affair, but now it has grown to at least 11 people, including her brother, aunt and uncle, and a cousin. (i’ve never met the uncle or cousin.) h has a tacit understanding with her brother and extended family about her sexuality, and they’ve always been gracious toward me. typical small town don’t ask don’t tell politeness. only h’s mum knows we’re pregnant, and h is worried about potential drama if it comes out on thanksgiving. awkward. i’m just going to focus on trying to enjoy turkey and mashed potatoes and my beloved pumpkin pie. and i’ll try to be inconspicuous in my lack of wine-drinking. it should make for an interesting afternoon.
meanwhile: i am so very grateful for my h, and the home we are cultivating. and i am grateful for my child
who is growing and growing. what a life. may we live it well.