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Archive for June 2nd, 2007

hard conversation about timing.

h confesses she isn’t ready.
she wants more stability. she begins a yearlong paid internship this spring. and then she’ll have to find another school to teach at if she doesn’t go permanent at the internship school. she wants tenure enough to have a good amt of time off. she wants to offer as much as she can to our child.

what can i say to that? i understand. we have to be on the same page. we’re not calling off project baby. it’s a delay.

i am exhausted. hormonal. trying not to be angry. trying to take the long view. sad. so, so sad.
i cannot describe the ache.

i’ll probably end up taking this post down later. i feel laid bare. i feel like an asshole for any traces of anger.
but i am so so so disappointed that i am “benched” for the timebeing.

fuck.

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last night we insemmed for the first time this cycle. i’m still negative opk, but the ferns were very very plentiful. i’ve never seen so many. i know that the spit test predicts up to 72 hours, so opk should be showing positive later today or tomorrow. i’m crampy. and emotional.

the coach had been withholding since weds–without our asking–just in case my o day came earlier than expected. he gave us over 5 cc’s! we were impressed.

i’d been giddy all day about beginning round two.
h was excited that the coach could come over last night on such short notice.

but as h and i sat outside while the coach “provided”, we got quiet, and i watched worry cross her face. the conversation turns this way as we’re about to actually try: are we really ready for this? our lives will never be our own again. we’ll be giving up so much freedom. but. we’re not getting any younger. we want a family. we have a great donor situation. etc.

when these conversations occur, i get scared. are you sure you want this, i ask h. she says yes, she does. she would be happy (happier?) adopting, but she knows how much i want to give birth. and so she handles the swimmers, even though they gross her out. she puts them inside me, because she loves me. she wants to have a family with me. she gets excited. and then she gets scared about our timing.

perfect timing is having a conversation about timing as you are about to inseminate, and your donor is in the bathroom.

we relaxed afterward, and thought happy, fertile thoughts.
but. the fear that maybe i’m being selfish, not listening to what h is really saying, pervades today.

we are good, honest communicators.
and this is scary territory.

i really think we’ve got amazing timing this month. but what if she’s got more than jitters…and i am pregnant…

the fear will pass.
oh look. i get to leave work early. i get to go home to my love.

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