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Archive for May, 2007

oh what the hell.

when i came out to my family, it was a slow, one-at-a-time process. i have 3 sisters. one brother in law. and a mother. (as you know.) inevitably, someone let the cat out of the bag before i could tell sister 3. it was an accident. sister 3 was discussing thanksgiving plans with brother in law, who knew. jokingly, he said, “so, do you think your lesbian sister will make it for the holiday?” sister 3, taken aback that he had suspicions about my sexuality, gasped: “do you think she is? i’ve always wondered. i mean, no boyfriends…just look at the state of her nails…” brother in law realized what he’d done and just said, “oh shit. here. talk to my wife.”

thus, it came to pass that i had to catch up with sister 3 quickly before she felt like i wasn’t ever going to tell her.
[note: sister 3 is also e.  the future godmother of sparky.]

sister 1, who is married to brother in law, has estranged herself from me in the past year or so.  she has had a harder time dealing with my sexuality than she originally thought. or, at least, that i think. but i’m pretty sure. and so, my oldest sister, who used to be my best friend, has no idea about sparky. e. knows. mom knows. anyone see a potential disaster?

i emailed sister 1 just now. she is in the process of relocating due to bro in law’s job, and phone time is probably nearly impossible. also, if she reacts like my mom, i don’t want to hear the silence.

ok. i do have big news for you. it’s really the type of news to tell in person, or at least over the phone, but i just don’t want to keep it from you. i really want you to know.

we are going to start a family.  as you may remember, we explored adoption, but right now, in texas, it proved to be hard and expensive to pull off with all the added legal fees of fighting thru the red tape. so. we’re taking matters into our own hands. literally.

i’ve spent the last several months preparing my body for getting pregnant. i quit smoking. weaned myself off my meds (under care of my dr), etc etc.

we are working with a known donor, have all the contracts drawn for his relinquishment of rights, and tried for the first time this month. i just found out i’m not pregnant yet, so it’s on to next month.

i know this is a strange situation to wrap your thought and feelings around. i don’t know how you will end up feeling about it in the end. just know that we haven’t entered into this process lightly. i am healthy and happy, and our finances are such that we can actually start a family and be okay. every step of this process is surrounded with psychiatrists, therapists, and a great ob/gyn.

you know how much i’ve always wanted to be a mom. i’m almost 30, and i’m settled and happy. i’ve never felt so ready to try.

…and the same goes for h.

in the end, you’ll have a niece or nephew that will probably look just like your son.

i love you.
and i miss you.

me

maybe there will be something like support. if not, at least i have the relief of it being out there.

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it was awkward. i had decided before we had our mothers day phone chat that i wouldn’t do it.  we discussed plans for her to visit in september. i imagined myself with a belly and i blurted it out.

i got the reaction that angered me to the point of a lot of therapy in high school.

silence.  me backpedaling. “i’m sorry i told you today. i didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” etc. basically i apologized for every insecurity i have. she just said, “well you had to tell me”.

and then she said, “have you talked to your sister?” [note: the sister who has already agreed to be godparent and guardian of sparky.] relief, i thought. she wants to know how my sister feels about this. i reply, with a whole lotta hope: “yes! i have! and…”

mom interrupts. “have you talked to her today? she actually ate a whole meal. she made herself some chicken and mashed potatoes, and she was able to eat without much pain…”

my sister had a tonsilectomy last week.

she goes on, “you know, the one good thing to come out of this is that i learned to text message! it came in handy when your sister couldn’t talk.”

i made up an excuse to get off the phone.  i had been officially shut down.

ignoring/shutting down/wall-building  is my mothers ultimate self defense.  as a teenager, i naturally took it as a personal affront.  through aforementioned therapy, i realized (after many years) that her reactions to big and/or difficult events have nothing to do with me. i cannot live a life where every move i make is based on what non reaction my mother has. and ultimately, i’ve learned that just because i need something from my mother does not mean she can provide it.

still. it was a sting.

i felt like an ass.

i had a moment of shame for wanting what i want.

today, i’m moving on. i know she’ll fall in love with sparky–or maybe even the idea of her baby daughter having a sparky–in time. my energy needs to be going toward my relationship and my ovaries.

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mothers day.

the coach has been debating over when to tell his parents about his role in our famblymaking.

he decided that last night would be the night. what better way to tell your parents what you’re doing with your sperm than over sag paneer? afterward, he came over to our house, and sat on the porch grinning over a glass of wine. he had expected them to “arrive at happiness” after a few moments of shock and/or disapproval. after all, this is their only child…

alas, it was pure joy from moment one. his dad repeated over and over, “i’m just so happy!” his mom wants us to hurry up and get pregnant already.

he told his parents about the legal requirements of what we’re doing: that we would love for them to be involved in sparky’s life, but they have no legal rights or responsibilities whatsoever. they understood this perfectly, and seemed to have expected it.

have i mentioned recently how much we LOVE the coach’s parents? how the best christmas h and i ever had was the one we spent with them at our home?

so. h’s mom knows. the coach’s parents know.
that leaves my mother.

my mother is older than a lot of my peers’ mothers. she is also a pentecostal, very conservative christian, with a lot of love for the catholic church. i’ve wondered a lot over the past four years if she would even come to our wedding, once we can legally have one. and so, like we do in my fambly, i’ve just never mentioned it.

my mother has never come to visit us. granted, we are in texas and she is in pennsylvania. she does not drive, and rarely flies. i haven’t seen her in almost two years. she is the same age now that my father was when he died ten years ago. i carry this panicky fear that i won’t see her again. and so, i invited her to visit us soon. i offered to pay for her flight, offered to put her up in a nearby hotel if she is uncomfortable staying in our home.

she wants to come. she waved my hotel idea away as ridiculous. of course she’ll stay with us!!! (exclamation points hers.) she never ceases to surprise me.

my mother, the church worship leader, bible study teacher, defender of the faith told me when i came out to her: i am a christian, and though i may not agree with or understand your lifestyle, i am a mother first. you are my baby daughter. and i love you.

and then she added this statement, which can only come as a compliment from her, “tchaikovsky was gay, and it didn’t make his music any less beautiful.”

i think i might give my mother a phonecall tonight, and have some expecting to be expecting news.

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last week: i go to the dentist to fix the new filling just filled, you know–a month ago–after it cracked while i chewed a very soft, harmless piece of gum. as i settle into the chair, i realize: oh ess, i might be pregnant. i express this thought with dr k, and he immediately removes my fancy bib. “no dental work today,” he tells me. “if it turns out you’re pregnant, please have your dr consult with me so we can move forward…so, are you trying to get pregnant, or was this just-one-of-those-things?”

“well, we’re lesbians, so it was rather purposeful,” i reply. [note: h. and i have both seen this dentist for nearly two years now. we are usually at the office together. making out.]

“oh really?” his eyebrows lift over his dentist mask. “do you go to a clinic or do that baster thing?”

…i can’t believe i’m discussing this with my dentist, but i offer: baster method, only with a syringe.
“cool,” dr k says before walking away from me.

i leave with the hole in my mouth.

fast forward to my rescheduled appointment yesterday. the appointment where my new filling was refilled, three new cavities were filled, and the crown i’ve had for only a year was replaced. [read: cracked and yanked and drilled and cracked some more.]

as dr k is trying–unsuccessfully, for the 4th time–to numb my mouth, he asks, in passing, “so, i guess you’re not pregnant, then?”

my mouth is pried open with the wedge and his fingers pushing on my tongue, so i offer him a “no” in sign language. his response?

“cool. that’s great.”
…or was it “good for you”?

whiskey.
tango.
foxtrot.

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car is soaking.

i actually snapped this shot a little over a year ago with my panasonic lumix fz10. i love that camera. perfect pre-slr with a fab leica lens. now that i’m all slr all the time, i get nostalgic for my lumixfriend. 🙂

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virginity: lost.

alright. we have made it through our first round of the ovulation guessing game, spermination fun, psychosomatic symptoms, waiting waiting, and the unsurprising bfn.

no sparky this month. so we soldier on, watching our daily dose of baby shows, joking about names (wolfy and greta, if we have twins), and working on keeping the backbone of our relationship strong and healthy. also, we picked up a nice sized bottle of whiskey last night.

as i said the other day, i was initially very, very distraught about fucking up our timing this month. i felt like i failed while simultaneously feeling denied. but, as i promised h through my tears: it will pass. and it has. here’s to another month of new territory.

pee ess: we bought mother’s day gifts at the works place for bathing and bodies last night, and walked out with a fancy vanilla sandlewood candle. we agreed that it is my early, early mother’s day gift, and let it burn all evening as we played cards with the coach.

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7 things.

my first meme tag at we are fambly. thanks trista!

1. i can touch my tongue to my nose. before i came out, this was pretty innocent trivia, but now it has amazing (and true!) connotations…

2. i am related to benedict arnold.

3. h and i met over the interwebs. four years ago on may 25. she lived in austin. i lived in nashville. after a couple months of all night phone conversations, she flew to visit me. h hates to fly. h plays it safe. her regular self would NEVER fly 857 miles to meet a stranger. after dating long distance for 1 1/2 years, i packed up my dog and my stuff, and moved here. we’ve never looked back.

4. i worked for several years in the christian music industry ™. i spent a lot of time as a freelance writer for lots of christian publications ™. i don’t do that anymore.

5. i lived in northern ireland for a little while.

6. um…this is getting difficult. i’m very left handed. my left and right hands only work well together while typing.

7. i grew up in erie, pa. aka “dreary erie, the mistake by the lake”.

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back. forth. to. fro.

my apologies for radio silence here. we’ve just returned from an exhausting trip to chicago, where i was the photographer for my ex boyfriend’s wedding. surprisingly, it was not awkward.

this first ttc month has been rougher on me than i realized.  the am i pregnant/have i even effing ovulated yet dichotomy started to drive me nuts. and when i finally got ovulite ferns on the day we were leaving  for chicago, i lost it. h and i had a big, yet thankfully quick blowout, and decided to take a break from all things conception for the weekend.  i didn’t temp, though i did keep peeing on sticks…all of which were negative.

and so. we drank a lot of beer, a lot of wine, and just had ourselves a time. now we are home, and the dogs are frantically glad to see us, and i’m going to bed.

goodnight.

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