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Archive for May 25th, 2007

i have a question, aka i’m grasping for straws.

i’m sure that i’m not the only one who decided to ditch antidepressants and mood stabilizers for the sake of getting pregnant? does anyone have a story of how you coped? advice from doctors or midwives?

i’m doing alright. sort of. well. most of the time. but then comes a day like today, in which i am anxious for no reason. anxiety can easily escalate to panic attack. my job entails fixing the problems of angry small business owners, and anxiety does not a problem-solver make.

i’m trying to breathe, relax. bring myself back into perspective. i sneak a cigarette. i close my eyes. i hope it will pass. it does.

at this point, i’ve got the coping skills. i’m a solid girl. but dealing with the tricks my brain plays is hard without chemical help. i can do it. but i’d love some commiseration. got any?

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…perhaps i will be late in posting and snap my lunch this weekend…

and because i love to post photos on the friday of the photos, i will make my own theme: us.
today is one of our anniversaries. there are three: 5/25/03, 7/18/03, and 12/18/04.

four years ago today, i was a newly-out lesbian in nashville, housesitting for a friend over memorial day weekend. i wasn’t sure if i was ready to begin dating; i’d gone out on a few dates that were as boring as boy-dates. however, like a good little lesbian in the bible belt, i created a profile on a dating site for womens.

meanwhile, in austin, tx, a burnt out h signed up on the same site. she was sick of the incestuous bar scene, and just wanted to make friends with lesbians who hadn’t slept with an ex of hers.

h’s profile happened to be on the “hey! new people in the meatmarket!” of the site’s front page when i logged on that day. a mysterious shadowy photo of a hot girl. i looked at her profile, which said something about wanting to connect with people trying to make a living doing their art. i was a freelance writer at the time, so clearly she was looking to talk to people like me.

i emailed her four years ago today. she took her time in replying, as she wondered why some girl in tennessee was contacting her. she shrugged, finally, and wrote me back.

i’ll spare you the sappy details. but. emails turned into chats turned into phone conversations. the moment i heard her voice, i literally swooned for the first time in my life.

the phone conversations spanned many hours, every day. i was falling for a woman i’d never met.

on july 18, 2003, h boarded a plane to nashville to meet me. h hates to fly. h does not go out on limbs. yet, she flew to me. she kissed me. that was it. i was in love.

i’ll also spare you the hell of separation we experienced for a year and a half.
on december 18, 2004, i finally moved to austin. and here we are, celebrating four years. about to start a fambly.

may i present: us, then and now.

smooshed in her arms.
not yet drinking 5/5/07

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