it was awkward. i had decided before we had our mothers day phone chat that i wouldn’t do it. we discussed plans for her to visit in september. i imagined myself with a belly and i blurted it out.
i got the reaction that angered me to the point of a lot of therapy in high school.
silence. me backpedaling. “i’m sorry i told you today. i didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” etc. basically i apologized for every insecurity i have. she just said, “well you had to tell me”.
and then she said, “have you talked to your sister?” [note: the sister who has already agreed to be godparent and guardian of sparky.] relief, i thought. she wants to know how my sister feels about this. i reply, with a whole lotta hope: “yes! i have! and…”
mom interrupts. “have you talked to her today? she actually ate a whole meal. she made herself some chicken and mashed potatoes, and she was able to eat without much pain…”
my sister had a tonsilectomy last week.
she goes on, “you know, the one good thing to come out of this is that i learned to text message! it came in handy when your sister couldn’t talk.”
i made up an excuse to get off the phone. i had been officially shut down.
ignoring/shutting down/wall-building is my mothers ultimate self defense. as a teenager, i naturally took it as a personal affront. through aforementioned therapy, i realized (after many years) that her reactions to big and/or difficult events have nothing to do with me. i cannot live a life where every move i make is based on what
non reaction my mother has. and ultimately, i’ve learned that just because i need something from my mother does not mean she can provide it.
still. it was a sting.
i felt like an ass.
i had a moment of shame for wanting what i want.
today, i’m moving on. i know she’ll fall in love with sparky–or maybe even the idea of her baby daughter having a sparky–in time. my energy needs to be going toward my relationship and my ovaries.