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Archive for May 14th, 2007

it was awkward. i had decided before we had our mothers day phone chat that i wouldn’t do it.  we discussed plans for her to visit in september. i imagined myself with a belly and i blurted it out.

i got the reaction that angered me to the point of a lot of therapy in high school.

silence.  me backpedaling. “i’m sorry i told you today. i didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” etc. basically i apologized for every insecurity i have. she just said, “well you had to tell me”.

and then she said, “have you talked to your sister?” [note: the sister who has already agreed to be godparent and guardian of sparky.] relief, i thought. she wants to know how my sister feels about this. i reply, with a whole lotta hope: “yes! i have! and…”

mom interrupts. “have you talked to her today? she actually ate a whole meal. she made herself some chicken and mashed potatoes, and she was able to eat without much pain…”

my sister had a tonsilectomy last week.

she goes on, “you know, the one good thing to come out of this is that i learned to text message! it came in handy when your sister couldn’t talk.”

i made up an excuse to get off the phone.  i had been officially shut down.

ignoring/shutting down/wall-building  is my mothers ultimate self defense.  as a teenager, i naturally took it as a personal affront.  through aforementioned therapy, i realized (after many years) that her reactions to big and/or difficult events have nothing to do with me. i cannot live a life where every move i make is based on what non reaction my mother has. and ultimately, i’ve learned that just because i need something from my mother does not mean she can provide it.

still. it was a sting.

i felt like an ass.

i had a moment of shame for wanting what i want.

today, i’m moving on. i know she’ll fall in love with sparky–or maybe even the idea of her baby daughter having a sparky–in time. my energy needs to be going toward my relationship and my ovaries.

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