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thirsty.

i just spent my lunch hour at the work gym. and now i’m a little thirsty and bit lightheaded.

i’m publicly committing myself to the reclamation of my body. thanks for bearing witness.

you may remember that i ended up about 25 lbs lighter than my pre-pregnant weight after i gave birth to jude. i maintained that weight until a couple months ago, when a few big changes happened:

1. i stopped breastfeeding, except for night and morning sleepy feeds. i stopped pumping too.
2. i started working a shift that had me eating dinner at 11ish every night.
3. i rediscovered my passion for good beer.

so i’ve gained about 10 lbs, according to the very truthful scale at the gym. i even weighed myself all nekkedlike.

i don’t have the time or energy to dream up some big fitness plan, unless i’d like to doom myself to failure. as a working mom, i’m learning to jump on whatever free time slips into my day.

i used to pump for 30 minutes of every lunch hour. now i’m going to use that time to at least work up a sweat on the elliptical.

as my toddler daughter is teaching me, baby steps.

hott ladies, how do you maintain a fitness plan? i wanna know.

Photo 34

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here is a screenshot of my chat with h just now.
[jude loves oranges.]
[i am at work.]Picture 3

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miscellany.

i’m taking an advantage of a lunch break to catch up a little here. anyone still out there?

here’s some big, milestone news: jude is full on walking now, across rooms, and back again. more scarily, she is also walking in the tub. however, she is not yet walking in her fancy new sneakers. the ones that are a size 6w and for which we paid $30 at stride rite. she sure does like kissing them, though.

here’s some frustrating news: she has discovered the tantrum. i never knew such high pitched, hyena wails could burst forth from my mellow, alto-ranged daughter. but alas, they do. and increasingly more often, especially at bed time. i know that there is a lot going on in her body: she’s walking, she’s got new teeth, language is developing, and nevermind the fact that she is still growing. still bigger than all the other babies. she stands tall in her 4t clothing and screams.

along with the screaming (which can still be assuaged with nursing, humming, rocking, etc) she has also begun to smack her mothers in the face. mostly, she does it when she is overtired, or trying to keep herself awake (or when she is doing the screaming thing), and i’m not quite sure what to do to curb the behavior.

a common scenario looks a little like this:

jude is nursing happily. she stops for a moment and inspects my nipple (like you do). she squeezes with her deathly pincer grip and i yelp say something like, “don’t do that. that hurts mommy.” then she gives this mischievous grin, and smacks me in the face. i then do one of the following:

a. take her hand away without saying anything
b. in a calm, assertive (pack leader) voice, i say, “no, that hurts mommy.”
c. put her down, and change the scene altogether.

a. and b. always result in jude immediately smacking me again, or trying to gouge my eyes out, as she lets out an exasperated, “ack!” the cycle will continue indefinitely until we move on to option c., which usually works, but doesn’t really resolve the behavior.

so, mamas (and babas and papas), how do you handle discipline and the not-quite-one-year-old?
your thoughts are very welcome.

ok, lest you think my child has turned into a little demon, here are some snaps i have finally uploaded from my camera, only a month after they were taken.

dirty mirrored fambly photo:
fambly.
sweet:
my beauty.
puckish:
puckish.
happily dragged across the bed by mama:
joy

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so yeah.

i’m still here, still living the dream. only the dream has become remarkably busy recently. i have changed job roles (temporarily, but with hopes for permanency), and my days are a whir of numbers and reports and various applications with similar acronyms. lately, i come home, put the judelet to bed, and shut off my brain altogether.

so here are a few bullet points:

  • jude is about five seconds away from walking.
  • she now says “bye”, with clear articulation.
  • she slept 11 hours straight last night.
  • i hope she is not waking up right now.

in other news, my sex drive has returned.  cue the swell of operatic soprano.

well, it is pushing 9:30 and my special lady friend is now lying beside me in bed
[correction: it is now 10:15, and old neighbors just stopped by unannounced.  my special lady friend is now asleep. le sigh  anyway, here, have a picture of that adorable child o mine.]

3244_190627930382_744540382_6695341_3138635_n1

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remember this.

lazy saturday afternoon. 3:30. seventy-one degrees outside. sunny and breezy. the wall of windows is open. smoke from the coil of incense floats about the living room, smelling like sandalwood and burning leaves. h and jude nap upstairs, cuddled together like the mother and child they are. my hair is damp, after a lazy bath. our shower is being fixed. we all soak in the big tub now.

outside, there is birdsong. so much birdsong. we live near a bird sanctuary. i swear i hear a hawk in the distance. music thumps from down the street. our neighbor, crystal, has turned eight years old and there is a party. we need to get her a gift later today. children are squealing in the streets, riding bikes. a helicopter flies overhead, shaking the house for a moment. military?

the yard is greener than it’s ever been in this drought. our crepe myrtles are flourishing. the orange tree is blossoming. the garden is overgrown with greens.

this is my life on this first weekend of spring. color and sound and scent. i am home and happy and alive. glory be.

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bagger.

scene: check out line at HEB.
characters: one chicken, one male teenaged cashier, one female observant bagger

cashier: [maintains blank expression while scanning items]
chicken: [fumbles with touchpad to pay for big grocery bill]
bagger: [bagging two bunches of bananas, one yellow, one green] “so why do you buy green bananas?”
chicken: “we eat the yellow ones first, while the green ones ripen, and then we don’t have to run to the store as often…”
bagger: “oh, so that’s how you do it.”
chicken: *silence”
bagger: “yeah, all these people buy green bananas, and i thought they must be healthier, so i bought some, and they taste nasty. they taste like dookie.”
chicken: “i, um, yeah.”

[end scene]

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shits and giggles.

i feel ovulationy.  i happen to have a drawer full of ovulation tests (which i was going to send to tiff back in the day…until she didn’t need them anymore!), so i just peed into a cup.  one line.  and the place where the 2nd line should be?  whiter than the rest of the stick.  apparently, i am doing the opposite of ovulating today.  does this mean i am now collecting eggs in my little basket, instead of releasing them into the world?  

/no, not ttc.  
//yes, we’re discussing kid 2.0
///but no, no babies today.

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sometimes.

i lose the balance
fall backwards
in fear
i can’t do this i can’t do this
i’m so tired
stretched so thin
i understand every cliche of motherhood
this is not a poem
i’m too exhausted for that sort of thing

so i pass off the baby
take a klonopin and a sip of whiskey
and hope for sleep
so tomorrow will be new

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all new baby.

i told my friend shannon yesterday that it feels like we have just abruptly encountered the beginning of the end of jude’s babydom. she replied, “everything is the beginning of the end when they’re in this stage. and by ‘this stage’ i mean all of childhood”.

right.
childhood.

so. this weekend was an explosion of milestones in our household, not the least of which was jude beginning an actual forward crawl. she can also pull herself up to standing, and is seriously contemplating the risks and benefits of cruising. and she is getting hang of moving from crawl stance to sitting up. yeah, all of this happened in the same hour, as i watched, slackjawed and drooling.

in that same fateful hour, jude sat happily playing with the aforementioned creepy talking puppy. she loves the creepy talking puppy, especially when it offers nonsequitur statements like “it’s learning time” or “yellow foot” or, most frightening, “that tickles”. anyway, puppy randomly said “bye bye”, and immediately jude replied, “bye bye”. and then i crapped my pants.

so we’ve got wawa, mama, and now, byebye. words. words communicated through my child.

so much change. it’s not subtle at all. it’s saying goodnight to a baby, and saying good morning to this…burgeoning kid. i’m overwhelmed by jude’s developmental momentum. i’m excited and i’m achy with present tense nostalgia. i’m not ready to let go of my baby.

speaking of saying goodnight, we have begun to implement a better (ie more consistent) bedtime routine. our baby is a night owl. she also loves to sleep in. she’s more of a college student than baby, honestly. last night, she actually fell asleep for the night by 10 pm. this development is brilliant. she slept all the way through until 4 am, when she joined us in bed for snuggling and an early breakfast. if we can keep this schedule going, i will be a happy, satisfied mama. h and i will have a bed to ourselves for most of the night again, and i’ll also get some good snuggle time with jude every morning before i go to work.

i’m going to end this post prematurely, as i’m a little too scattered to flesh out my thoughts on cry it out and jude. hopefully tomorrow. for now, have a photo i just received of my baby trying to type:
photo-275

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have i mentioned?

have i mentioned that i really miss having time to thoughtfully post here? tomorrow is jude’s 7 month birthday, and i am hoping for a block of time to sit down and write her a letter. h, however, is under the weather. j seems to be close behind, with loads of congested crankiness. and don’t get me started about the teeth. right now, she is hanging out in her pack – n – play/cage, playing with her overstimulation, bright lights, creepily “i love you” saying puppy. and she’s actually NOT whining. win.

anyway. that’s all.
the whining has commenced once again.

but have a photo that i really like:
crazy blue eyes.

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