injury, meet insult.

[warning: gross talk ahead.]

last night should have been awesome. mister zig slept from 10:30pm-3am in his bassinet, which meant that i was able to change positions in bed.
he also slept from 3:30ish-8ish snuggled up to me. for all intents and purposes, he slept through the night! and oy, my boobies are worse for the wear too. rocks, i tell you!

so yeah, banner night in newbornland. only, i didn’t feel good at 3 am. i felt immense pressure in my bum vicinity, like a super squeezed sphincter under great gas pressure. i got up to pee, and the moment i sat down on the toilet, i passed the biggest, scariest clot i could have imagined. the experts tell us postpartum women to watch out for clots bigger than golf balls. this thing was the size of a frog, and definitely all tissue.

thus commenced operation freak the fuck out at 3 am, while sleep deprived already. visions of bleeding out, of ambulances, of separation from my family, of a d&c, of maternal death–they all danced through my head as i tried to get in touch with my midwife. she answered on my second attempt, and sprang from groggy to present immediately as i explained what i’d passed. and then she told me not to worry. the crampy pressure i’d felt was my cervix dilating (again so soon!) to pass the tissue, and i should expect a bit of heavier bleeding as a result. my uterus was doing its job, and getting rid of leftover placenta or lining. she told me to become concerned if i started hemorrhaging, became lightheaded, had a racing pulse, or a sudden fever. she also told me be concerned if i continue to pass more large clots.

i was relieved that i hadn’t passed some plug that held in my whole body’s blood supply, but i was still freaked out and sleep deprived. i had a small panic attack once back in bed, because i was afraid that if i moved at all, i’d start to hemorrhage, or i’d pass something again. and then every bum pressure (ahem, still working out the postpartum constipation here) felt like the contractions i’d just experienced. what if i wasn’t constipated? what if it was more tissue, or my uterus itself? i cried a lot. h held the baby and my hand. and then i finally fell asleep, at which point i had some crazy, sweaty nightmares about dying of this.

it’s daylight now, nearly 10:30 am. i’ve had some breakfast and coffee. h is taking care of both the kids while i lie in bed and rest. i’m staying in bed all day as a matter of fact. definitely bleeding like the beginning of a period, but the blood isn’t falling out of me like i’m about to die, so that’s good. i feel a little more stable overall, less traumatized. now it’s the damned hemorrhoids that are kicking my ass. pun intended.

i’m so ready to have my netherlands back to some semblance of normal.
but good god i’m glad i didn’t die last night.