so. yeah. i’m still breastfeeding. i forget that you all don’t see me nurse my large baby every day. silly me. the last thing i probably wrote about the subject was this dirgeful post.
i don’t pump anymore. my boobs are definitely crosseyed pancakes. but jude sure does love them. she still giggles
maniacally excitedly at the sight of them. i thought i was surely drying up, but no. i’m clearly producing enough to keep her happy. most mornings, she’ll snuggle up next to me on the couch and nurse while watching dora. on my days off, she’ll nurse for a few minutes before taking a nap or going to bed for the night. when she is done, she pats them and nuzzles them and says, “allllll done”.
you could say that i still nurse on demand, and you would be right. mostly. jude went through a phase in which she demanded the boob in inappropriate places. like, the grocery store, while i was pushing the cart. she would try to lift my shirt, and i would say “not now” and she’d scream. and then i’d be that parent, which isn’t all that bad, honestly. that parent usually ends up with an aisle all to herself.
mostly, jude is discreet about her requests to nurse anymore, but i am not averse to breastfeeding in public, or in front of friends and family. it is strange to be on the receiving end of that judgmental look i’ve heard about for so long, but i try to ignore it. the question, “how long are you going to breastfeed” isn’t so much inquisitive anymore; it carries the distinct tone of worry that i may well be nursing a kindergartner if don’t wean her now.
i know that jude is not going to nurse forever. i never thought she’d disengage from the boob as much as she has, all by herself. trusting my instincts has never steered me wrong in my small time as a mom. i am confident that what little milk i have left is keeping h1n1 at bay, when friends all around are succumbing. and as jude languishes through the slow emergence of molars, i know that my breastmilk soothes her. i also think that nursing helps jude work through the emotions that usually manifest in tantrums. nursing is her stiff drink at the end of the day.
on the whole, i still enjoy breastfeeding. i love the quiet moments alone with my daughter, when she snuggles in cozily, and is once again my baby. i see that baby less and less, and it is a comfort for me to be present and savor those moments. i am preparing myself for that fast-approaching day when she will decide she is done. but, as of today, i am in no hurry for it to come. i am simply grateful.