my daily life lately has been all about constant editing and improvisation. work demands have included a weird schedule with even weirder-timed pumping breaks, and my supply is suffering. my left breast seems to have all but dried up over the past few days. picture me in a tshirt, right boob huge and left one non existent. the girls have not been so lopsided since 6th grade, when i stuffed my bra for about five minutes, before they grew from training bra to a d cup.
i’ve been combatting the um…inequality…by pumping as much as possible (after replacing the membranes. oh powerful suction, how i missed you!), as well as keeping jude latched on my left side more than usual. i’m hoping things will even out soon. my right side always produces more than the left, but this is ridiculous. i don’t like operating at half capacity.
little j is all about solid foods these days. she shakes with anticipation when we put her in her high chair, and her affection for her fancy spoons is rivaled only by things such as applesauce and cereal. she only really nurses undistracted late at night and early in the morning anymore. she needs absolute silence and, preferably, darkness, in order to stay latched. otherwise, there is a sensory world all around her that demands her attention. distractions are so very frustrating for both of us. for me, it’s like trying to pee, but feeling painfully bladder shy. for jude? i imagine it feels like being about to take a big bite of a juicy burger, and then someone asks her a question. over and over.
i digress.
so yeah. solids. solids = less nursing. less nursing = less supply. less supply = supplementing with formula because i’m not producing enough to meet little j’s needs during the day. this cycle is depressing me. a lot. breastfeeding is at the top of the list of Ways I Feel Like a Mother. yesterday, when after 20 minutes of hardcore pumping, one of the bottles was still bone dry, i nearly lost my shit. i felt like i was losing the only firm hold i have in meeting jude’s needs. because i’m gone so effing much. i kiss her sleeping head every morning, and come home every night to a cranky, tired baby who is about ready to go to bed.
i know i meet her needs. she loves me. she is connected to me. but nursing is the tangible proof of that. and when faced with the possibility of losing that integral part of our relationship now, i panicked. i cried. i made h feel sad and helpless because there is nothing she can say to make it better. and then she went out and bought me new membranes. she brought jude to work so i could nurse her over my lunch yesterday. this morning, j snuggled in bed with me and nursed for two hours before i had to get up and go to work. and i’ve pumped often and long today.
the good news is that i’m still producing milk. and i know i can keep my flow going. and the other good news is that it’s now my job to find non-nursing ways to feel bonded to my child. i think it will involve a lot of snuggling, sharing baths, and copious praise for her near crawling pushup skills.
she is soooo adorable!!
I wish I could say more re: the struggle, it sounds sooo hard.
Sending lots of love and good intentions though.
She is so beautiful. I want to hold her. BTW – My left always produced more, and to be honest, it has left me permanently lopsided….The breastfeeding was really important to me, too. Good luck with the pumping. Love to you.
Hi, I’m a silent lurker! My sister recently had a similar issue with pumping and milk supply so she started using herbs to help. I’ve linked a page that talks all about ways to supplement your supply naturally. http://www.kellymom.com/herbal/milksupply/fenugreek.html
Yet another gorgeous picture of your little one!!!
Commenting on your words though, I hope you don’t beat yourself up! I think you are doing a fantastic job with Jude. Having to work full-time, pump, take care of everything else…..it’s A LOT and you should give yourself lots of credit for handling it all so well. And, I love that you are thinking of new ways you two can bond. I can only imagine how much J will appreciate all the snuggles and baths to come!! xo
Ps. Just saw the picture of J in the “I heart my moms” onesie. Someone just gave that same onesie to us as a gift – it is SOOOO adorable!!
i’ve been stressing and reading and inquiring and learning about breasting lately. Just finished the ulitmate guide to breastfeeding by jack newm.an. He also has a website. I’m a big fan of most of what he has to offer. He has some good advice on increasing supply on his website if you need to go that route.. stay strong!
Another lurker here… one who has been going through similar pumping/nursing/solid foods/lessening supply issues. I finally bit the bullet and ordered some domperidone (per my LC’s suggestion) and it has done WONDERS for me, at an extremely low dosage. I now consider it the equivalent of Clomid, a drug I resisted for the longest time but, once I finally took it, got me pregnant. I resisted the dom for a long time but now that it’s here, and with it the return of my wonderful milk supply, I wish I had gone ahead and gotten it sooner. Much more potent than all the fenugreek and oatmeal under the sun.
Feel free to write me if you want any more info. It is such a struggle, this whole working and mothering and still trying to nurse thing. Lots of us are doing it alongside you. Kind of like childbirth, thinking of the sisterhood can be helpful.