for the moment, jude is asleep. h has gone into town with the recycling, and the dogs are not barking at passersby. it’s birdsong and panting and squealing neighbor kids and my daughter’s heavy breathing. maybe i’ll churn out a few words.
my heart is heavy and not just a little anxious these days. in three days, i have to put on my game face and return to work. i haven’t mentioned it much here; for a long time, we spoke in the language of ‘if’ and not ‘when’ i’d go back. we had a hopeful plan for me staying home, but it didn’t pan out, and so off i go.
i am beyond grateful that h will be at home with little j. i don’t know how my heart would handle putting her in daycare so young. for you mamas who have had to do just that–my heart goes out to you. i can’t even go there in my head, not even hypothetically. i am trying to concentrate on the parts of my going back to work that don’t make me cry:
- it’ll be nice to get out of the house everyday
- it’ll be a new, yet familiar challenge to actually do my job again
- i will be able to reconnect with friends, not to mention the non-mom part of myself
- our fantastic benefits will continue
- h and jude will get to bond one on one on a deeper level
- i will get to find out if being a working mom is what i want to be
and so i steady myself as much as i can, and try to muster that “first day of school” kind of energy; i’ll need that momentum to keep myself sane. otherwise, i just look at my sleeping baby and feel nothing but grief.
i realize that, by american working standards, we have been blessed. i have been off work since april, and h has been home since may. we had six weeks together to nest before jude’s arrival, and fifteen weeks home together as a family. our days have been lazy and delightful, and i can see what gorgeous effects this time has had on jude. she is so mellow and content, she sleeps so soundly (and long!), and she is the very essence of peace 95% of the time.
every season comes to an end, and this six month season has been the best of my life. we’ve lived in a happy little fambly bubble, and now that it’s actually really very much about to change…well, i’m being redundant. this is the hardest imminent separation ever…from both of my girls.
and so i’m spending as much time as possible snuggling with jude, and when i’m not nursing her, i am pumping. my poor boobs are a red, sore mess. but they’re productive! i’ve stored between 50 and 60 oz so far, and am still on a roll. i feel a little bit better about the separation knowing i’m doing my best to keep my baby well-fed with my milk.
wow. this post is ridiculously sad and boring. i think i will close it up with adorable jude pics from last week. i’m going to watch her sleep.