sorry for the silence around here. i’ve been faithfully reading all of you, but i’ve been a bit wordless.
i’m having a rough week. i’ve been pretty balanced throughout my pregnancy. i’m still off all my bipolar medication. i’ve not touched the liquor, either. i’ve kept up with my therapy. and i’ve been pretty well at the end of the day. hell, i even bought a house.
but. i haven’t been sleeping well lately. some of it is growing physical discomfort–sitting at work all day makes my tailbone throb to the point of tears–but mostly, i can’t shut my brain off. the manic side of me wakes up at about 3 am every.effing.day. all the worry, all the baggage, all the anxiety whizzes around my head like swarming bees.
the lack of sleep and growing anxiety are catching up with me, i think. this past weekend, i started feeling crappy, like i was fending off a cold or flu. i stayed home from work two days in a row. i slept a lot (thanks benadryl). and though i’m beginning to feel better physically, i am the proverbial basketcase in the emotions department.
i am weepy. so very very weepy. i can’t stop it. i can’t name it either. it’s just there. waterworks. poor, poor h. she worries. she frets. she can’t fix it.
and i’m frustrated. [cue more weepiness.] our beloved pets are driving me crazy. transition is rough for them, naturally, and since we moved in to our new place on saturday, we’ve had both kitty and puppy accidents. mostly on the stained concrete. easy cleanup. no big deal. oh but the cats are hell bent on escaping through open windows, and are already attempting to claw through the screens. and our little shit doxiepoo is working out his anxiety by digging holes in our brand new yard with the brand new sod.
we’re working with the dogs to get them adjusted and comfortable. longer walks, runs through open pastures in our new hood, etc. and the normal me would be able to take this transition in stride. but this crazy, hormonal, anxious me is harboring so much anger toward my dogs! and cats! i don’t want them to snuggle against me in bed. they make me feel claustrophobic.
i am experiencing so much guilt over this. when we decided to adopt our pets, we made a commitment to be responsible for them. i’m not planning to get rid of them or anything. but, as i told h the other day–while weeping and driving–would it kill them to respect our home? our stuff? ha. i know. i am insane. and pregnant. i know i know.
have any of you who have gone down the pregnancy path experienced such weird anxiety?
(i guess i have plenty to discuss with my therapist tomorrow.)
meanwhile, sparky continues to grow. here’s today’s belly shot at 23w4d. new bathroom, new mirror. crappy photo. sorry.
i think based on what I’ve been reading that the anxiety weepiness is pretty much beyond your control and all about the hormones. So hang tight. and look for the joy in the newness – a new house!
not a crappy photo! you look lovely my dear, even in the midst of such chaos. you are more than allowed to be overwhelmed, frustrated, and weepy. i’m so sorry it’s rough right now and wish i could take you for tea this afternoon. i’d bring a donut for you to sit on. probably for me too. i have a weird tailbone. you could weep all you want and i’d keep refilling your chamomile. oxxo
Love the pic! It looks great!! Don’t fret!
You are bound to feel a little out of sorts right now with all of the things happening. A move, a new home, pets that aren’t cooperating, and hormones all out of whack are all bound to make you feel vulnerable and crazed and frustrated. So take good care of yourself; this is all likely to settle down soon. In the meantime, indulge in something lovely for you and/or your new home.
That photo is beautiful!
Thank you, too, by the way, for your comment on my blog. You got me all hopeful!
xoxo
Though I’ve not specific irritation toward my pets, I am a basketcase. E now knows that I may cry over nothing… sure, it’s something at the time (like, I want to order tuna at a restaurant but can’t have it or i have to eat my breakfast in the car b/c i’m running late…) but even I, when said tears are shed, know that it is nothing in the long run.
I think you just have to give yourself permission to feel the crazy things you do. Let the anxiety go about how you feel and things might even out a bit. It doesnt’ cure it for me, but it certainly helps.
You have so much going on. Be gentle with yourself. Great photo! Sparky is growing!
A move is a HUGE change and you have another HUGE change headed your way. Be gentle to yourself. And permission to be weepy.
hey you fantasticly beautiful women: thank you.
thanks for the grace and permission to be weepy.
This is a little late but I also think you’re dealing with a lot of change right now and the weepiness is totally normal! Not fun, for sure, but okay anyway. I was a mess while I was pregnant and came back to myself pretty much right after the baby came out…well, except for all the post-partum and breastfeeding hormones that followed…
[...] piece in the studio. I cried as I told her of the terrible losses and all around grief going about these parts. I love keeping up with the stories of such strong women, but sometimes the unfairness and [...]
you have a heap of stuff going on, weepy is understandable. pregnancy changed my emotions for ever, since Piggy I have changed from a stoic never-cry-lady to crying at the biggest loser, the morning news…you name it.
Pregnancy rocked my confidence, makes me very insecure and very doubtful. I don’t have your history, nor the stress you are facing with a new house, mortage or pets that have their own issues.
It will get better and you will be OK and you are normal-what ever normal is.
Hang in there and spoil yourself.
Have you read Akeeyu’s blog? She’s such an excellent and funny woman (like you!) and had to come off meds for pregnancy. Not easy.
I hope you are feeling a bit better now…
http://herveryown.typepad.com/herveryown/
So, change sucks big time and then you have hormones and pregnancy and lack of meds and, and and….
boy is up, but be kind to yourself. I’ll be thinking about you and sending sane vibes your way.
I’m still on my bipolar medication, but I still get really weepy around that time of the month. I was wondering if the medicine was working enough, and my wonderful former-hippie nurse practioner told me “Never underestimate the power of female hormones.” That has helped me a lot.
And yes, I was weepy through pregnancy AND frustrated with our dogs. Thoughts of getting rid of them DID cross my mind more than once, too.