we are fambly.

so i lost my mucus plug this morning, and it had bloody show. midwife michele is not concerned about this development, as long as i don’t start having timeable contractions. so far, i’m just a bit crampy, but no discernible change in my sporadic braxton hicks contractions.

i am 35 weeks today. sparky just needs to hold on one more week so she can be born at home. i don’t think she’s coming this week, but it sure is exciting–and sobering!–to realize that she is revving up.

we’ve definitely got some work to do around the house this week!

that’s the last one i’ll have till sparky is born. her heart tones were a little…excited yesterday. they came down after a few minutes of deep breaths on my part, while lying on my side. but i was scolded for my caffeinated choice, and told not to do it again. sad. i rarely do the cokes, but when i have one, they taste so. good. and caffeine-free coke = ew.

in the good news department, i gained 3 lbs. finally. and sparky is measuring 35 weeks. in a perfect head down position. michele checked me yesterday, and found that i am 1 cm dilated. not much going on with effacement yet. while she was rummaging around my lady parts, she cocked a coy smile and said, “while i’m up here, i might as well see if your baby has hair!” so she poked up into my cervix (as comfortable as it sounds) and announced “not much hair here!”

so. we have a bald baby. very unsurprising!

time for me to nap. an eventful weekend commences this afternoon. my sister has arrived and is putting finishing touches on her big project of the-shower-with-lots-of-pink. she just told me that we will be drinking from real punch glasses. heirloom kind of punch glasses. i think i may need to paint my toenails for this event.

so i dragged myself out of bed and got my hairs cut. i was in dire need after 4 months. you know, something low maintenance, a style i can ignore completely for sparky’s first couple months of life on the outside.

post haircut and pre midwife appt, i’m sitting at an old haunt called the green muse, putting together music to birth by. all while eating a salami panini with mozzarella and gouda, and a mexican coke. mmmm. i win.

here’s the scene:

in 10 days, it will be safe for sparky to make her appearance as a home-birthed baby. granted, i am fairly confident she will hold out for another few weeks at least, but still. looking at the ever-shortening countdown to her arrival is…overwhelming.

there is so much that i’ve wanted to write about, to process, but the past couple weeks have found my energy sapped. i think about the things i’m thinking about, consider writing them down, and then promptly fall asleep. it’s hard to believe i’ve been on maternity leave for 4 weeks now. i remember the first week or so pretty well. i did a lot of cleaning. and then i lost my ability to sleep at night. i guess this is practice for what my sleeplife is about to become, but sparky does not let me sleep for more than 4-5 hours at a time at best. my hips burn and ache, and the pain radiates down my legs. tylenol doesn’t do shit for this. i’ve been using rescue sleep spray, which doesn’t help much. and my tolerance for benadryl is simply embarrassing anymore.

i get up with h at 5 every morning, and after seeing her off to school, i try to get some sleep. i fall asleep by 9, and usually wake up about 1. if i am lucky, i will have enough energy to do some dishes or leave the house to run an errand, but mostly i lounge. and then h comes home, we head off to bed ridiculously early, and my turbulent night of hip pain begins again.

so this is why i haven’t been writing, or even remotely processing my feelings about sparky’s imminent birth.

i actually slept not-too-fitfully last night, and so, before i fall asleep again, i want to put some thoughts down. wow, i’m tired.

the other day, we received our copy of the adoption petition from our lawyer. sparky is not yet named on it; she is simply “child to be born june 15″. (petition will be amended once she’s born.) naturally, i am named as the biological mother. and even though it is painfully obvious to anyone with eyes that i am very pregnant, seeing those words on paper was a sobering moment for me.

because i don’t feel like a mother yet. (whatever that is supposed to mean.) even now, as she kicks me vigorously, i’m still in a bit of denial that she is a real person in there. and that she is about to come out. of me. soon. and my life as a solitary individual is over. i am forever a mother. there is no undoing this. i’ve had moments like this all along during my pregnancy. after the initial yayayayayayay when i first saw the double pink lines, a wave of panic washed over me. what did i just do? the moment passed. i’m a procrastinator, after all, and had a good 8 months to put off dealing with thoughts like that.

but here i am now, with a nearly ripe, real baby rolling around inside me. and for the first time, i’m actually considering the hard existential question: can i be a mother and be myself too? will i ever awaken from this zombie state of utter exhaustion and recognize the me i’ve always been?

i know i will learn to adjust. i have always adapted to life-shifts, and kept a sense of who i am in the midst of everything. i’ve just never deliberately chosen something THIS big before, this irreversible. i’ve never brought a new human being into existence before.

when i was 3 or 4, i remember watching the big kids walk to school and thinking, “i’ll never be able to go to kindergarten.” and then i somehow did it. when i was 14, i thought, “i’ll never be able to actually get my drivers license. i’ll never learn how to drive.” and i did it. later, i worried about how i’d go to college, live on my own, etc etc. and the heretofore biggest insurmountable obstacle: i’ll never be able to be openly gay, or be in an actual relationship with a woman. impossible. and yet…

when the time is right for me, i simply push past the paralyzing fear, and do what is needed to be done. at this particular moment in my life, i feel myself on that threshold again. only, this is my ultimate fear: i’ll never be a mother. i’ll never get through childbirth. i’ll never be able to raise an actual child. my daughter is about to prove me wrong again. ready or not, she is coming, unstoppable force that she is. (sometimes, her fiery energy is so strong in my belly, that i nearly step aside and confess that i am just the conduit for her to get here.)

there is so much more emotion and fear and excitement churning around in my brain, but my eyes are heavy. more later. if you have read this far, thank you for bearing with my incoherent ramblings. i had to get out of my own head a bit. maybe i will rest better…

so, for no apparent reason, i’ve got a huge spike in visitors today. not sure what’s bringing y’all here, but if you’d like to delurk, i’m very curious to know who you are!

that’s all.
oh, and welcome!

this weekend, my sister e. is throwing us a shower. with party favors and mimosa punch and frilly pink invitations. (it is her way.) so far, 20 people have rsvp’d, and it looks like there will be an interesting mix of people, ranging from h’s mum, the coach and his parents, various friends, and my boss! h’s cousins-that-she-doesn’t-know-well-and-are-from-the-more-estranged-side-o-the-
fambly found out from her mum about the shower, and asked to come. one even emailed her this:

I just heard the wonderful news and I am SO happy for you and your sweetie. I support you two 100% and can’t wait for you to experience the joys of parenthood. A. and I would LOVE to help you guys celebrate by attending your shower if it’s OK with the two of you.

big smiles over here. i am grateful that i get to meet more of h’s family after 5 years together. and i am so excited that h is being celebrated as a new mama at this shower, that it’s not just about me.

so. photos. last month i bought a dress for the shower. i tried it on tonight, and glory be, it still fits. whew.

here i am (drawing a bath, of course), at 34w2d in my lovely tent dress.

tomorrow, i’m even getting a haircut! yay!

zero energy today, but i did manage to take a belly shot as i was running a bath. my belly has really popped in the past two weeks. i didn’t realize how much until i took this photo. and to think, 6 more weeks till she’s due. i’ve lucked out in the stretch mark department thus far, but i think my poor skin is stretched to capacity now. mentally preparing for the purple lines to show up…

once upon a time when i lived in nashville, this man used to hit on me while i hung out at a certain coffee shop.

every time i eat now, i get clammy and lightheaded and nauseated. yesterday, i had to excuse myself at a mexican restaurant and heave the contents of my belly. i am reverting to first trimester thinking: choose foods that are easy to regurgitate. note: iced tea is surprisingly gentle. salsa is not.

i really do have a real post coming soon. hopefully later today. for now, i just had to whine. and i also wanted to chronicle the fact that, at nearly 34 weeks, i am experiencing constant “cervical bites” (ie quick but intense shooting pains way up in my suzy). and. last night, sparky was doing her nightly stretches, the kind where i can feel head and butt and arms and legs push against the walls of my uterus. the pressure of her head was low low low in my pelvis like never before. she’s still hanging out there. is she dropping? midwife michele will deliver at home from 36 weeks on (assuming all is well with mama and babe). two more weeks, sparkstress. you must stay put for at least that long.

h is asleep next to me. every pet is curled up near or on the bed, as a severe thunderstorm with fantastic lightning just passed. sparky is wide awake and stretching out the right side of my abdomen. i sit back and watch the show. for the first time, i see a definite foot travel across my belly, left to right. and i feel the fingers of my daughter splay below my belly button. surreal does not begin to explain it. we are teaching each other how to find our happy place. i have a story to tell about that, too. i am just too tired to write anymore.

here’s a thousand words more: