ugh and such.

wow, it’s been awhile. how are you all?

me? it’s been more of the same. as it turns out, i had a sinus infection for awhile, and the pressure in my head, behind my ears especially, made my nausea hella worse. after a week on antibiotics, i am, on the morning sickness scale (which, you may remember goes from one to pregnant-with-jude), about a solid 7. i’ve only missed one day of work, and i am able to push past the funk and be a productive chicken every day.

thanks be to God.

i really must take a belly shot soon. because my bump is pushing forward with much enthusiasm. my clothes fit funkily, and i’m wearing even baggier hoodies and comfy pants than usual. i am frumplestiltskin. also, have i mentioned that i haven’t had a haircut since AUGUST? unacceptable. time for some sassy maternity wear (target, don’t fail me now) and an effing haircut already. i feel like a modest, but nice house that has gone to shit. my theory is that i’ll feel less nauseated with a proverbial fresh coat.

let’s see, what else is happening in my little world of pregnancy and toddlerhood?

two weeks from tomorrow, we’ll get to hear ziggy’s heartbeat for the first time. also, i scheduled a 12 week ultrasound on 8 march. i’m still not convinced there is only one ziggy in my belly. it’ll be such a relief to simply know.

i am getting boy vibes from this baby. not as strong as jude’s girl-vibes were, but definitely present. i’m not committing to anything here, but if i give birth to a boy, i won’t be surprised. that’s all.

my judechild is still calling me daddy. sometimes h gets it, and uncle g as well. but mostly me. some of you asked in the comments of my last post whether i’m okay with that. the answer? totally okay. it’s hilarious to me. we’ve never introduced the word daddy to her vocabulary, so it is something she has picked up for herself. i’m not sure if it has anything to do with the lack of someone named daddy in our home, or if it’s just a term she likes. in any case, it’s damn cute.

incidentally, my official name is ‘mommy’, and sometimes she’ll say it when prompted. that’s the thing: she usually has to be prompted to call h and me by any name whatsoever. until she started calling me daddy, she didn’t address me at all. she usually gets my attention by suddenly appearing in my lap, between my legs, or by grabbing my boobs. so. being called by any name at all is a delicious sort of experience.

so that’s all really. i apologize if you’re bored by this post. i want to tell you stories, but all i’ve got are sporadic sentences. maybe trimester two. in the meantime, keep your eyes peeled for a belly shot, or maybe even a grainy video soon.

watch this

this trailer makes me all blubbery. babies + beautiful cinematography + sufjan stevens = weepy chicken. i can’t wait to see this movie on the big screen.

mystery

my daughter calls me daddy.

seven weeks

at seven weeks pregnant, i am already beginning to show. my bump is way higher than the expanse of my uterus, which is weird. and the protrusion has lots of people at work asking me weird questions, like whether i can feel the baby kick yet. though i want to answer, “um, the baby isn’t really even moving yet, and even if s/he were, i wouldn’t feel it, on account of the baby being approximately half an inch long, crown to rump,” instead i simply reply, “nope, too early. won’t feel anything for awhile.”

one coworker recently asked how far along i was, and when i said six weeks, he said “six months? won’t be long then!”

damn peoples. way to give a girl a complex already.

i’m NOT big. i’ve just got a squishy looking bumpish thing that peeks through my shirt.

in other news, nausea has taken over my life like a motherfucker. on a scale from 1 to pregnant-with-jude, i have arrived at pregnant-with-jude. cravings have all but subsided, and i am basically enduring meals. chocolate, however, is still awesome. as is twinings decaf english breakfast tea, with just a splash of milk.

except for the nausea, the experience of this pregnancy has been so much different than with jude. by this time last pregnancy, i’d already had two ultrasounds, for instance. this time, we will likely not have one until 20 weeks. i never even had a beta. as midwife m advised when i asked about a beta, “you peed on some sticks, your uterus is clearly growing: you’re pregnant.” and i must admit, everything feels a whole lot simpler, less dramatic, this way.

speaking of the growth of my uterus, we may opt for the 12 week ultrasound. [by the way, herein lies our paranoia.] we’ve been doing the ring test to see whether ziggy is a boy or girl. with jude, that dangling ring swung around in circles as if possessed. with zig, it swings back and forth for awhile, and then starts circling. every time we try. we raise our eyebrows and ask, gender confusion? intersex? twins? wait. TWINS?

at our first midwife appt, 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, the apprentice measured my uterus at NINE CENTIMETERS. (for readers who are not familiar with uterus growth, it should correlate in centimeters how many weeks you are pregnant.) i panicked. michele measured again. and again. and finally settled on a wobbly-at-best measurement of 6-7.

if there are indeed TWO ziggies in my belly, i’d like to know about them much sooner than 20 weeks. hence: 12 week ultrasound. i confess to feeling panicky at the thought of twins, and not so much about the two for one special, but the reality that i would likely have a hospital birth that would end in a c-section. i could accept that, yes. but it would take awhile.

/paranoia.

i really do think this is a single ziggy.

jude is having a late afternoon nap at the moment. i think i shall join her. big x

19 months.

dear jude,

you will have to excuse mommy’s lack of words this month. you and i have begun this conversation already, but we all need to be reminded of what unseen things are happening in my uterus. as i write this letter, i am in my seventh week of pregnancy with your sibling. we call your sibling ziggy. and ziggy is making your mommy very, very nauseous. take now, for instance. i am pausing between sentences, negotiating with my esophagus, begging for no puking action. so far, so good. let us proceed.

i don’t want this letter to YOU to be about your unborn sibling. sweet lord, i want to do everything i can to quell your inevitable rivalry. but i want you to know that i understand the fact that you might not be over the moon about this baby. your uncle g is reading a book called siblings without rivalry, and he summed up a great passage for us recently. it went like this: imagine you are happily married. your spouse says, “hey, this marriage is going so well, there is so much love here, let’s add another wife to the family! this new wife will share everything we already have together, and oh yeah, she also will need to wear your old clothes. sorry i didn’t really tell you about this, but she’s on her way now!” how would you feel?

yes, i know you’ll be so excited to be a big sister, to help take care of a baby, etc. but, your whole reality is going to shift rather quickly, and at 19 months old, there is no way for us to really prepare you for that. so. let this letter be a testament to the fact that i know this is going to be a hard transition for you. and i am going to do and be everything i can to help you remain secure in your identity as My Beloved Child.

moving on.

this month, you’ve continued to deepen your relationships with the dogs. we couldn’t be more pleased that you and charleydog are so tight that she rolls over at your feet and hopes for tummy rubs.

christmas. holy moly did you ever love christmas. as i may have mentioned last month, your big present was this:

and when you discovered it, you looked like this:

and you still grin like that every time you slide. which is all day, every day.

here are some visual christmas highlights:

christmas eve dancing:

licking your lips in anticipation:

jumping on bubblewrap at gabby and pop pop’s:

mischief:

dwarfed by gabby and pop pop’s christmas tree:

a christmas worth remembering. we spent the night at gabby and pop pop’s, which you loved. you ran around the house without ceasing until you collapsed. and then we grownups played dominoes until the wee hours. i did not win.

this month, you have been a delight. you are busy busy, all day long. and when we are out and about, that means your moms never stop moving, either. but, at home, you are confident about your run of the house, and are able to play by yourself for minutes at a time. your mama and i often sit together on the couch and watch you share water or milk or cheese with dolls, cars, dora, the tv. (your word of the month is ’share’, which sounds like ’sheeee-oo’.) your actual sharing technique with other toddlers is still a tad precarious, but we’re working on it. when you melt down, you recover quickly. thank you for that.

alright, my darling. i’m feeling a bit piqued and am going to close. but know that i cherish every moment with you as i grow your brother or sister. you may be my firstborn, but you will always be my baby.

i love you so.
mommy

abbreviated.

greetings from the outpost of 6-weeks-pregnant land.  i’m a bit sluggish today, vaguely nauseous, and actually satiated in the gyro dept.  last night, h made me a fabulous (boil in bag!) indian meal.  some sort of spicy tomato sauce with paneer, peas, rice, and a pork chop.  sour cream was needed to dial down the hotness.  omg.  it was a religious experience.  the right foods right now make me cry with joy.  so VERY different from last pregnancy.

…

poor jude is sick. we’re in the thick of cedar fever here, and she’s been congested for over a week now. yesterday, she woke up with a fever and snot so thick that she handed it to me. infection had set in. she’s on the mend, thanks to antibiotics and her faithful vaporizer, and is currently 20 minutes into her second nap of the day…after being awake for two hours after her last nap. and that nap? lasted four hours.

…

she is 19 months old now. and i have a letter in my head, ready to write. and i will write it soon, too. i’m just so sleeeeepy.

…

as we read a book before this most recent nap (los pollitos dicen), jude pointed at a cow and said “booooo”. she’s never made a cow sound before, and i’m not sure if that’s her first approximation of “moooo” or if it’s the congestion. i asked her what kind of animal it was, and she answered “dow”.

[unkempt hair. refuses clips.]

.

• here comes nausea, slowly but surely. at least i am still hungry. and oh so hungry for gyros. tzatziki was created by jesus for my absolute joy, i’m sure of it. (tearing up a little just thinking about it.)
• when jude was sparky, she used to wake me up every night at 3 am, beginning in the first trimester.  ziggy?  5 am.  late sleeping embryo.  i dig.
• my belly, she is already expanding.
• my mother asked if this pregnancy was intentional.
• um.
• jude is cutting the remainder of her teeth simultaneously.  she holds both her hands over her whole mouth and wails mournfully.  i wish i could give her vicodin and a glass of wine.
• we took jude to the circus this weekend.  she gave the eyebrows of disapproval to the old shriner man in the fez , was indifferent to the big kitties and elephant, and ignored the clowns.  she loved the dogs (DOGS!) and the highwire motorcycle man.  she signed ‘more’ over and over when his act was over.
• did i mention i could really, REALLY go for a gyro?
• tomorrow is my first midwife appointment!
• tzatziki. mmm.

the soundtrack of pregnancy

…will undoubtedly be the new patty griffin record, which you can listen over at npr.

every note of this record makes me long deeply for my beloved nashville… for the downtown presbyterian church, where it was recorded. for in that church, i have experienced many magical moments. that place is holy and dripping with creativity. artists create big, lovely works there. marriages are made there. the homeless are fed there. and now, patty griffin has recorded a breathtaking album there.

sigh. basking now…

wowow.

hi everyone. thank you so very much for your hearty congratulations! and to my dearest shannon, thank you for thinking of me with this cakewreck:

so yes, people. in the event that you didn’t click the link in my last post: we are having a baby!
i am due on 18 september, which is, incidentally, exactly three months after jude’s birthday.

this most recent insem brought its share of auspicious signs, not the least of which was the blue moon. if i’m calculating correctly, our plucky little blastocyst implanted right around the new year. whereas jude went by the alias sparky while in utero, this child will be called ziggy. as in stardust.

i’m still at a loss for words about the whole thing. i thought that our timing was off. i was out of my testing/temping groove for the holiday. i missed my surge. but, tada! it worked!

some of you may wonder why the photo was taken at work. well. the day before, i’d convinced myself that 10dpo was not too early to test. and so i peed on my only stick. i was starkly “not pregnant”. oh, but the next morning, i just felt pregnant, bloated, with a whole lot of heat in my belly. and so did the thing that no possibly-pregnant woman should do: i peed on an opk to use as an hpt! eep! i know! and i got a nearly-positive result, ie, the test line was nearly as dark as the control. armed with a crazy sort of hope, i proceeded to hold my pee for the next several hours. (btw, i’d said nothing about any of this to h, who was with me for the “not pregnant” result.) i went to work. i ducked out for a quick trip to the grocery. the cle.ar blue ea.sy tests were $2 off! score! by that point, my bladder was so full my eyes were watering. eff it, i said to myself, i’m peeing here. and so it came to pass that i waited for a very long three minutes in a bathroom stall at HEB, staring at the terrible local ads on the back of my receipt. and then the big reveal: pregnant.

i proceeded to wonder just how i would break the news to h. in the end, it happened via ichat. i said something to the effect of, “i know i’ve been horrid lately, but i really hope that you don’t leave me to raise our two children alone”. at which point i saw a lot of exclamation points. i told uncle g that night when i got home from work. basically, i yelled at him for giving me whiskey for christmas that i wouldn’t be able to use. and then he cried.

so that is the short version of How I Found Out I Was Pregnant, 2nd child edition.

my body is reacting to this pregnancy a lot faster than the last one. i’m all kinds of bloated, and it seems that my uterus has taken up residence in my ass, because i now officially have back. my breasts are, as of now, unaware of the change. still lactating. not sore. whew.

i’m crampy and achy, with the occasional sharp pain in my abdomen. i’m oh so hungry for curry and chipotle hot sauce and oranges. and at 6:30 pm, my eyes grow heavy and my body, weary. i experience moments of slight nausea, but nothing rivaling my last pregnancy. yet. as my sister e, the one who had a nausea-free pregnancy, said, “here’s hoping you have a pregnancy just like mine, minus the lymphoma scare. that wasn’t good at all.”

we’re already in touch with our midwife, who is quite excited that we are repeat customers. our first appointment is next week! she demanded that we bring jude with us, and ended the squealy, congratulatory conversation with “i love you all so much!” i’m so excited to have her in our daily lives again.

alright, that’s enough blathering for now.

welcome to my womb, ziggy. please stay.

on perspective and surfacing.

where to begin.

so. around christmas, i fell into a funk of epic proportions. it pervaded every minute of every day for weeks. my dreams were full of anxiety, death, rage, fear. my days were sluggish and empty. i loved my partner and child from a distance. i couldn’t break through, couldn’t reach them. i panicked. i thought, maybe this is holiday blues, or maybe it is winter and cold. but. but. it was bigger and blacker than that.

i’m not doing justice to this darkness, heaviness, bleakness, [insert more effective descriptor of the state of my mental health here]. i couldn’t name it, and i couldn’t cope. i really thought i was going crazy. i am immensely proud of myself for muddling through, for continuing to perform normally at work.

at home, however, h was in a constant worried state. i tried to talk about it, but i couldn’t pinpoint a “cause”. and so i speculated out loud. i don’t feel like a good mother, i said. perhaps it would be better if i were dead, i said. but i wasn’t really depressed because of mothering insecurity, and i wasn’t having suicidal thoughts. my brain was simply scrambling for somewhere to put this darkness, this out of control crazy feeling.

as it turns out, i am not crazy. i discovered the cause of the funk a few days ago, and with that epiphany came instant relief. the funk may still have its moments, but it also has its place. it is contained. i am free from the fear of it.

and now that i am officially sane, i will gladly begin writing again. because there sure as hell is a lot to talk about…